Not a mirror post! The Misadventures of Emo Boy

(Ok, so technically this post -is- mirrored, I just typed it all out again rather than just linking y'all. Because I want you to see the comic.)

I drew a little stick-men comic one afternoon during a quiet spell in the office where I used to work.

Today, when rooting through boxes trying to cram all my stuff into my tiny room, I found said comic. It still made me laugh, so I painstakingly drew it up in Paint so you guys could have a gander. Enjoy!

10:47 PM - April 12, 2009 - comments {1} - post comment

New shirt!

http://twist.efx3.com/2009/04/12/new...new-shirt/

4:52 PM - April 12, 2009 - comments {0} - post comment

Easter tidings, and new clothes!

http://twist.efx3.com/2009/04/12/eas...w-clothes/

4:48 PM - April 12, 2009 - comments {0} - post comment

What am I supposed to feel?

http://twist.efx3.com/2009/04/03/wha...d-to-feel/

11:48 AM - April 3, 2009 - comments {0} - post comment

Photobucket Memikins.

1. The age you will be on your next birthday:

24

2. A place you'd like to travel:

Australia

3. Your favourite place:

Home

4. Your favourite object:

Rubber duckies

5: Your favourite food:

Beef stew and dumplings

6. Your favourite animal:

Ducks

7. Your favourite colour:

Green

8. The town in which you were born:

Reading

9. The town you live in:

Reading (same town, different photo)

10: The name of your pet:

Fido

11. The first name of your love:

Tom

12: Your nickname:

Twist

13: Your middle name:

May

14: Your last name:

Kailus (it was the only search result!)

15: A bad habit of yours:

Talking

16: Your first job:

Newspaper girl

17: Your grandmother's name:

Doreen

18: Your favourite book:

Dean Koontz - 'From The Corner Of His Eye'

11:59 AM - March 12, 2009 - comments {3} - post comment

Memory Lane Meme. Or: Nicola has nothing else to blog about.

1. Who was your first love?
The first boy I fell in love with was Lee Everett, when I was 15. It was all very tragic, because he had no interest in me whatsoever. But I fell hard for that boy.
The first one to love me back was Chris Liddiard. We were 17 and about to spend two years fucking up eachother's lives.

2. Who was your first kiss and when?
Patrick Fleming. It was a spin-the-bottle kiss at a friend's Hallowe'en party when we were 12, but it went on for a little longer than my friends deemed necessary. They actually pulled us apart.

3. Who was your first prom date?
I've never been to a prom. Our school didn't do them. I sort of had a date to a school disco when I was 10... his name was Ben Uphill and he was my next door neighbour's cousin. I remember not fancying him at all until I saw him with his hair spiked up.

4. Who was your first roommate?
My brother? *laughs* I shared a bedroom with Jack until Samuel was old enough to sleep in a 'big bed'. I think I was about 7 when I got my own room.

5. What was your first job?
I delivered newspapers for the Reading Evening Post, in exchange for £14 a week.

6. What was your first car?
I've never driven a car.

7. When did you go to your first funeral?
One of the Young Leaders at my Girl Guide pack died of Cystic Fibrosis when I was 13. We all went to her funeral in our uniforms, and I still have the order of service in a box somewhere.

9. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I was 4 years old when my Dad moved us across the country to Bristol, because he got a job there. We moved back five years later.

10. Who was your first grade teacher?
I'm assuming by first grade you mean Year One? I had Mrs Scanlan, and I thought she was the most beautiful teacher I'd ever met.

11. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
When I went to Germany on a school exchange, aged 13.

13. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with?
People don't really 'date' over here so much. The first date I remember going on that was more datelike than anything else, was with Simon Skellon when I was 19. We went to see Phantom Of The Opera in the cinema, and then for dinner at a restaurant called Chilli's.

14. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
I've never snuck out of my house. I never had to.

15. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
Sammi McGrath and Elli Ford were my first best friends. I looked up Sammi on Facebook recently and she's totally different (and not really that likeable) now, and I haven't heard from Elli since I moved back to Reading 12 years ago.

16. Who was the first person to send you flowers?
Chris Liddiard. I was really sick once when we were going out, and I'd previously moaned that he never did anything thoughtful like, say, buying me flowers.

17. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
I haven't.

18. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
Tom or Charlie... they're my favourites.

19. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
My parents got married when I was 11, and I wore a red dress with gold buttons down the front. I was my mother's only bridesmaid.

20. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Check what time it is, work out if I can sleep a bit more, and wonder whether Tom'll be online if I turn my PC on...

7:46 AM - March 9, 2009 - comments {4} - post comment

Twisty's on YouTube!

Yeah... check me out with my bad YouTubing self. As the video says... I've had a YT account for a while, and I thought I'd post a video, seen as I have all the relevant tools.

I'ma post this one here because it's my first, and it'll give a few of you a chance to see me for the first time, and hear my voice! Woo!

9:11 PM - March 5, 2009 - comments {8} - post comment

The Hamsters

My dad took me to see these guys last night:

10:46 AM - March 5, 2009 - comments {4} - post comment

Frustrum.

(Side note: I keep using and remembering little words that Tom and I had together. Just phrases, and turns of speech, and little silly ways of saying things. It still hurts.)

My readership has dwindled somewhat since the early days of blogging, so I feel like I don't really need to do bit this anymore, but I'm going to anyway:

WARNING: This post contains comments of a highly sexual nature, and moments of TMI. Look away now if you don't want to hear about the depraved cravings of a young woman's mind. In fact, click here.

I'm frustrated, guys. I. NEED. SEX.

This is not good. It's been 75 days since I last got my leg over, and BOY am I feeling the need. I've never gone this long without before. How has that even happened? I lost my virginity when I was 17, and in the last 6 years I've never been more than about three weeks without a shag. That's crazy. And I've still managed to have a minimal amount of partners (five, if you were wondering).

*squirms*

You know the worst part? I could get some. I know two people who would happily scratch my itch for me, and I all I need to do is tell them to do it. And they know it. And they tease me CONSTANTLY.

But I'm going to be good. I'm armed.

*brandishes a pink, sparkly vibrator*

*gets distracted*

meep.

Porn isn't even helping anymore. It's just not... good enough. I'm fussy. I like to see a story from start to finish, with all the flirty bits in there and the touching and the licking and the stroking... *wriggle* and she has to be into it. So many times you watch something and all the girl cares about is the camera. I hate that. I don't care if your face looks weird when you're really enjoying yourself... at least it looks a bit more real.

Oh dear god please, PLEASE let the Badger get this job. Then he can save teh penniez, and can be here, rogering my brains out, by June. JUNE. It's soon, but it's another three months away!!!

I've never wanted to be with one person so much in my whole life, and it's so so so hard to be good when there is so much temptation in the world, but y'know what? He's worth it. He's so worth the wait. He's amazing and gorgeous and deliciously sexy without even being sexy because he just has this air about him that makes me want to... *gets distracted again*

Boy, is it gonna be good.

Brief, but goooooooooooood.

9:03 AM - February 26, 2009 - comments {24} - post comment

One reason you really need to watch Desperado.

I love this joke. My ex, Chris, sat me down to watch Desperado four or five years ago, and we both almost exploded with laughter at Quentin Tarantino's fantastic performance:

9:15 AM - February 25, 2009 - comments {7} - post comment

Card 'tards

In front of the credit card machine at work, there's a little sign that informs people that for a very good reason that I can't remember right now (only the sign has the reason on it), we have to charge 25p for every card transaction that comes to less than £5.

Who comes to a coffee shop, buys a £2 coffee and then pays on their card? I hear you ask.

There are customers that do exactly that: Buy something cheap, and then offer their credit card as payment. But hey, that's ok. I've done that before. You go out, you get thirsty, you pop into a coffee shop, make your order and... uh oh. No cash. Oh well, let's just put it on the card. It's easily done.

But then there are those people for whom Maths was never something applied to everyday life. Take this example:

Nicola: Hello, what can I get you?
Customer: Hi, I'll have a regular latte please.
N: Ok!
*makes coffee*
*places coffee cup on saucer and pushes it towards customer*
*rings 1 x regular latte through the till*
That'll be £2 then please.
C: *hands over credit card*
N: Ok... Just so you know, I'm gonna have to charge you an extra 25p because your purchase is less than £5, ok? *points to sign*
C: *face drops* Oh... how much under £5 am I?
N: *eyebrows raised in disbelief* ......your coffee is £2. You're £3 under.
C: Ok... *looks at the menu board and calculates* ...ok. Ok, I'll have a cheese toastie as well then please.
N: .............. *writes order, places it on the board, and rings the toastie through on the till* O..k. One regular latte and one cheese toastie comes to £5.15
C: Yes, yes that's better. *hands over card*

Seriously. This actually happens on a daily basis. The second you tell someone they're going to be charged extra, they try to make their bill up to £5. HELLO??? The charge is 25p. You're spending £3.15p to escape a 25p charge!?!

I despair. I really do.

8:31 AM - February 24, 2009 - comments {9} - post comment

I Got Etted By Zombies

After the Vaudeville night got too busy and my friend had to go home early, I eventually made it to the local rock club's Anti-Valentine's Zombie Massacre:



That's Pip on the left, and Pete on the right. Much fun was had by all.

10:46 PM - February 16, 2009 - comments {16} - post comment

Need.

I need a hug.

Like, a really big fat one with lots of body contact and squeezing and backrubbing.

Preferably from someone with a little extra bodyweight. Us bigger folk give the best hugs ever. EVAR.

Ideally from someone around 5'11", with broad shoulders, a cute little ass, short scruffy brown hair and a smile that reminds me of Harrison Ford in Star Wars.






*sigh*

9:59 PM - February 16, 2009 - comments {6} - post comment

Twisty and Bebbet's Grand Adventure

I'm baaaack...

Did you miss me? Go on, you can admit it, I won't laugh.

*snigger*

I've had a pretty cool coupla days down in Cheltenham with Bebbetty Spaghetti, and my only regret is that I somehow managed to take no photos whatsoever!!
Ok, that's not true... I did take one. Of myself and a friend of the B-man's, in which we both look incredibly drunk. In my defense, I wasn't. I really should've been. Maybe then I would've danced a bit. :P

TUESDAY:
Anywho. My train arrived on Tuesday afternoon at.. um... I don't really know. Sometime after 4, I think (help me out here Bebs?). I was met from the station with a big hug, and then we got a taxi back to B's place. I gotta admit, I was pretty nervous. I haven't seen Bebs since October 2007, and he's been rather absent on the MSN front since starting Uni, so I was just crossing my fingers that we'd still get on ok. Turns out I didn't need to worry, yay! So yeah. Taxi pulled up. I was given the grand tour, and then... the most important part. Kettle on. I've never known anyone (except from maybe my own parents) to drink so many hot beverages during the course of a day. I had tea. LOTS of tea. Teeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa. I really like tea.

So... yeah. Taxi, tour, tea. Alliteration activites for the win. Then what did we do... oh. We hung about in the kitchen for a bit, stuck a Foo Fighter's CD on, and chatted to a dude B lives with. All fun and games. And then came dinner. *laughs* Dinner was interesting, to say the least. We decided on chicken and chips, a fantastic choice of meal if ever there was one, and the food got bunged in't th'oven. An alarm was set, and after a certain amount of time that I forget, food was removed from oven. So far so good. The chicken was cooked, and the chips were, uh... not so cooked. They were just about edible, and we had many laughs.

Then comes a text from the aforementioned friend. Am I allowed to give names?
*texts Bebs to find out*

*waits for reply*

*..still waiting...*

*glares at phone*




*beep* :D

Then comes a text from Libby, the aforementioned friend, asking if we're coming down to the open mic night. I'd never been to an open mic night. This could be fun. Bunged on my new hat (charcoal coloured fedora with pale grey pinstripes and similarly coloured skull and crossbones on one side), a nice warm blue scarf, and my hoodie, and off we went! Turns out there are some scary resemblances between Libby and I... even down to the way we both say "sorry". Spooooooooky. But good spooky, because she's pretty awesome. She's like me, how can she not be?? But blah, I digress. We shuffled through the cold evening to a pub called the Frog and Fiddle (did I get it right?), and got the drinks in. Libby scared me a little by knowing more about me than a person I've just met should, and then I realised: Facebook. Damn that place gets everywhere. Drinks were drunk, conversation was had, laughs were laughed, and then we slipped from the main bar into a back room where a microphone and lights were all set up. It was dead quiet, and I suppressed the urge to giggle.

By the end of the evening, I was absolutely sure that all students are perverts. My two favourite poems of the night were read (and I think written, but I might be wrong) by a very cute redhead (at least she looked redheaded under the lights) with a very, very cute west country accent. The first was about a young girl being shown a porno for the first time by her friend and being both shocked and amazed; the second was called 'Bukkake Party'... self explanatory! Oh god... and then there was the fetish story, that in the middle had a long LONG list of fetishes, which only got more hilarious as they went on, purely because of how wide Libby's eyes were getting, and her random exclamations of "But... HOW? WHY?" ...and then we explained DVDA to her. I thought she was going to be sick. It's maybe telling that I spent a bit of time hanging around a girl who runs a fetish club, because I could probably tick off about a third of the things on that list as having been done. What a colourful life I've led. :D

We headed off to the SU after that, for one drink. I'm glad it was only one, because as we were waiting at the bar I remembered how much I don't like big groups of students. Blech. Also, the cider was far too sweet and not even a decent helping of blackcurrant could make it better. We soon headed back to B's place, the three of us arm-in-arm like we were off to see the Wizard, and then... YES! More tea! After tea came sleepytime, Libby went off to her room and B was very kind to let me have his bed while he did his caterpillar bit and got all wrapped up in a sleeping bag. Zzzz.

WEDNESDAY:
Wednesday dawned, as days are wont to do, and I think it was about 8:30 when I got all fidgety and couldn't play sleeping lions anymore. Luckily for me B was awake too, so we just laid there (me in the bed and him on the floor) and idly chatted. Music went on, I slunk off to the bathroom to get dressed, and then we just sat around for a bit. Oh! Breakfast! I've not had breakfast in ages, but we had toast. With butter. Mmmmm butter. And more tea. After the toast and the tea came the town (this visitation has been brought to you by the letter T). He'd been banging on about this bookshop, Moss Books, and so that was our first stop.

Oh. My. God. I could live there. Wall-to-wall bookshelves, containing books two deep. Books on the floor in piles, books on chairs. Books in boxes arranged by genre, and books balanced precariously on top of other books. It was incredible. I bought Shelley's Frankenstein, Anne Rice's Interview With The Vampire, and Stephen King's The Waste Lands - part 3 of his Dark Tower series. All for an amazingly cheap £6. To give you an idea of just how amazingly cheap this is - books in England generally go for about £7 or £8 a go. *happy dance of cheap book joy*

After that we wandered into the town centre, and I behaved like a kid in a candy shop. Anyone'd think this girl had never been shopping before. Reading just doesn't have interesting shops! We went to the Disney store, where I had an OH-MY-GOD-I-NEED-TO-BUY-THIS moment, quickly followed by an oh-bollocks-I-don't-have-the-money-to-buy-this moment. It was a set of Little Mermaid characters. I love The Little Mermaid. We browsed, and talked about how chavvy Disney have made Ariel in a desperate bid to remarket her to today's little girls. Then I spotted the sweet shop. ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Four bags of sweets for £3?? You're on! I got my Mum some foam shrimps, my Dad some fruit salads, myself some butterscotch hard sweets, and B a packet of midget gems. Bargain. We looked in the window of a silver shop, and many exclamation marks were made over the prices of things. Then I dragged him around a couple of underwear shops, because I haven't bought new undies in ages. I didn't buy any that day, either. We went to a shop that sells CDs and DVDs and stuff, and I bought a very interesting looking Terry Gilliam film called Tideland. We wandered, browsed, chatted, and then got hungry. Lunch was cheeseburger and chips for him, and a 'Golden Mix' (sausage, egg, beans and chips) for me from a little cafe called Butler's. With more tea.

We got back early afternoon, and to pass the hours before going-out time, we watched a coupla movies.

Pan's Labyrinth was the first and by far the best:

I'd never seen it, and until it started didn't even know it was in Spanish, but that didn't matter. It was an amazing film, and the little girl who played Ofelia was fantastic. I was a little disappointed that I had to explain to B who, mythologically, Pan was, but hey. Not everyone knows the same stuff, right? Anyway. A fantastic film, that you should definitely watch if you get the chance.

Next up was Hoodwinked:

I asked for lighthearted, I got lighthearted. It's a cute twist on an old story, with an all-star cast and although it's a little slow and cheesy to start, it soon makes up for itself. Worth a watch if you just want to sit back and smile.

Then we had pizza. It was cooked. SHOCK! :P

And last, but not least, because B just got it in the post that morning, was Transformers:

Probably the fourth or fifth time I've seen that film, and it never ceases to be amazing. Can't wait for the sequel. I don't think I need to say anything more about this movie, because I'm pretty sure you've all seen it.

And at some point during Transformers, we cracked open the wine and started drinking. Libby came over after the film, and off we went to Dakota.
My god, I have never been to a cheesier night in my entire life. And I was totally underdressed. I asked B before I left what kind of outfits girls wore to this club, so I could bring appropriate stuff and not stand out too much. He said: Everything. Shorts, skirts, dresses, jeans, even costumes. So I figured I'd be alright in my slashed-up Street Fighter t-shirt, and the one pair of jeans I'd bought with me. When we got there, it was another story altogether. Everywhere I looked, girls were dressed to impress, and I felt like a tomboy frump. Meh. I had my hat, therefore everything was awesome. Most annoying thing was that I'd taken my skirt and shorts out of my bag at the last minute because the boots I'd need to bring to wear with them were too heavy. I went for comfort over style, and had a refreshing night of not being hounded by people at every turn. Spent most of the night sat with B (and Libby when she wasn't dancing), chatting and just chillin' out. Good times. Libby and I had a long, girly chat at the bar, which was fun, and then came the one and only photo I managed to take. Other people had cameras though, so there's a good chance of there being a couple of photos floating about somewhere. I'll try and get hold of them. I did get groped by some dude on the way to the loos at one point, too, but meh. It was a pretty chilly walk back to B's, so we stopped and got pizza, which was nommed with great gusto when we got back. I can't remember if there was tea before sleeps or not. It was my turn to be a caterpillar, and it turned out I wasn't very good at it. The sleeping bag was just that tiny bit too tight to be comfortable, and I'd neglected to bring a pillow. Jeans, hoodie and towel failed to make a decent cushion, and I was cold. Oh well. Zzzz.

THURSDAY:
Another day dawns, and this time it was 9am before I gave up pretending to be comfortable and just sat against the wall, huddled in the bag. Tea was had, and I clambered up onto the bed to get comfy while B went to the kitchen. Again with the music and the sitting and the chatting. I got dressed while B went and made breakfast (more toast! YAY!), and then we watched four episodes of Futurama, and discussed Star Trek for a bit. I got hungry for lunch, and although B offered to make me more food I was intent on a McDonald's, so we strolled into town again and ate like pigs. I love quarterpounders with cheese. Mmmmmmmmmm beef. I told B my theory that McD's put opiates in their cheese, which is why they're so popular even though the food is actually pretty crap. It was getting closer and closer to leaving time, though, so we headed back. I packed, cursed myself for buying books (as if my bag wasn't heavy enough already), and managed to stuff it all back in without forgetting anything. Yay! Libby came over to say goodbye, and the three of us walked up to the station, taking it in turns to carry my bag.

We sat in the station cafe, not drinking tea (well, B had a coffee), until my train pulled in. Then there were hugs all around, and promises to visit again soon, and I got on the train and waved like a crazy person until I couldn't see them anymore. I fell asleep before the first stop, same as with the journey in, and woke up at the second to last stop, same again. Luckily my Mum was on her way home from work as I text her to say I was back in Reading, and she gave me a lift home.

The End.

*hugs Bebbet* Thanks, dude!

11:43 AM - February 13, 2009 - comments {14} - post comment

Zomg... I missed this how?

So, apparently Neil Patrick Harris is gay.

Did you guys know about this?

I stumbled across a video on YouTube whilst looking for a particularly funny scene from "How I Met Your Mother":

9:42 AM - February 10, 2009 - comments {5} - post comment

Off On Another Whirlwind Adventure!

Tomorrow, at 2:16 in the afternoon, sees lil' Twisty (that's me!) board a train for sunny Cheltenham, on a visit to lil' Bebs (that's, uh, Bebbet)... how exciting!

I shall take plenty of photos, so never fear!

Um.. yeah. That's about all I have to say!

10:12 PM - February 9, 2009 - comments {9} - post comment

.mottob eht ta tratS .tnorf ot kcab dna nwod edispU

.ereh tuo kcuf eht gnikaerf m'I

.tuo ro derorrim ton s'ti tey dna ,tnorf ot kcab DNA nwod-edispU

.DEIRT I fi siht od t'ndluoc I .epyt I nehw tuo gnimoc s'ti woh si sihT

.ylsuoireS

.ti pots ot woh wonk t'nod I dna ,gnineppah s'ti yhw wonk t'nod I ,ti dnatsrednu t'nac I .golb ym ot gnineppah si yracs yrev gnihtemoS

7:17 PM - February 1, 2009 - comments {8} - post comment

How I Became An Awful Person Overnight.

Here's a tip for all you ladies out there who're in long-distance relationships.

Do not get absolutely wasted and then talk to men who think you're attractive. They will coax you into kissing them. You'll do it, and then feel so awful that you want to crawl into a hole and die because you know how much it's going to hurt the man you love when you 'fess up. And you can't not confess because you're an honest girl, and you don't like liars, and you trust your man.

I'm abstaining from alcohol until I can trust myself to be alone with horny men and keep myself under control. I was weak, and it was horrid, and I'm going to sit on the naughty step, wearing the naughty hat, until he comes and lifts me up and kisses me and tells me it's ok. Which could take a while.

Bebs, when we go out in 11 days time, I won't be drinking all that much so I might be a little quieter than you remember me. I'm sure it'll be an improvement, and I won't let it ruin our night.

This text has made my day:
"I can't afford this but I don't care, it's important. Yes, it hurt me. Yes, we need to have a little talk about it, but the most important thing that you need to know right now is that I love you and I want to be with you and, most important of all, I forgive you. <3"

I have got to be the luckiest girl alive to have such an amazing man, and I really hope he knows just how sorry I am.

8:02 PM - January 31, 2009 - comments {7} - post comment

M-m-m-m-m-meme... with photos!

The blurb: "How this memetic works is that you leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. Then you write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on."

I commented on Sarai's post, and she did give me an M. So. These are ten things I love, in no particular order, that begin with the letter M...:

1. Marmite

How can anyone not love Marmite? It's brown, and yeasty, and spreads fantastically on freshly baked bread with lashings of real butter. It's heaven in a sandwich.

2. Marmaduke

Marmaduke is a teddy bear with a rat's face that my Granddad's third wife, Pauline, made for me when I was four. I love him to pieces. He's had both arms and both legs and both ears sewn back on over time, and his whiskers are all twisted and chewed up, and he's had a knot in the end of his tail for as long as I can remember, but he's mine. *squishes*

3. The Little Mermaid

Ok, I cheated a little bit on this one. This is one of my favouritest Disney movies of all time, and I can sing every single song word perfect. I wanted to be Ariel when I was little, because she lived in the sea and had the most beautiful hair out of all the Disney girls.

4. Moles

I have dozens of moles all over my body, and I'll always remember my Grannie telling me when I was little that every single mole was a beauty spot, and therefore I must be the most beautiful girl in all the world.

5. Meat

I could never be a vegetarian... I love my meat too much. Chicken, pork, lamb, beef, veal, venison... I could eat it all right now. Rawr.

6. Masturbation

Oh come on, you didn't think you could come to Twisty's blog and not read anything rude, did you? I defy you to name me one person who doesn't enjoy masturbating. I bet even the Pope likes a crafty tug every now and again.

7. Mail

Sending letters, getting letters... I'm a big fan of snail-mail. It makes communication so much more exciting!

8. MUSE!!!

Quite possibly the bestest band, ever. EVAR! I first heard 'Sunburn' on a compilation album free with a magazine, and I was completely blown away. My taste in music was changed forever, and my appreciation of pianos went up by about a million points. Matt Bellamy is a living legend.

9. Mario's

Mystery Star (or Mario's, as it's known by the goths of Reading) is a 'goth shop' in town. They sell jewellery, belts, swords, trinkets, clothes, decorative pieces, spellbooks... A lot of my jewellery comes from there, and two of my most favouritest skirts. And now Mario has a tattooist upstairs! The best shop in Reading. Official.

10. Make-up

A girl has to have her make-up, and this one is no exception. I'm never seen at work without a slick of black eyeliner, and when I go out I make an effort to make my eyes look utterly gorgeous. I feel slightly naked without it.

2:02 PM - January 30, 2009 - comments {8} - post comment

Blogging funk = Meme time!

Stoled this from Sarai, because I want to blog but can't think of anything to type.

001. Real name – Nicola. This blog is public, and the world doesn't need to know the rest.

002. Nickname(s) - Nush, Girly, Nic, Cookie, Squishy, Bee

003. Status – Completely in love.

004. Zodiac sign – Libra, but apparently I don't act like one.

005. Male or female – *checks bumps* I be female.

006. Religion - No thank you.

007. Elementary – my dear Watson.

008. Middle School - Is that like Middle Earth?

009. High School – is for Americans.

010. Hair color – Brownish bronzish dark and dulled by time.

011. Eye color – Blue/grey

012. Loud or Quiet – Depends on what the situation calls for, and how well I know the people surrounding me.

013. Sweats or Jeans - Jeans, ftw.

014. Phone or Camera - For taking photos? Camera. Except for when it comes to more intimate photos. Then the phone works better, for some reason.

015. Health freak - HA!

016. Favorite Physical Quality – My eyes. They're actually the only physical quality I think I have.

017. Do you have a crush on someone? - Oh yes. Ohhhh yes. Mmhmm.

019. Piercing – Three in the ears, one in the belly button.

020. Tattoos - No, but maybe in the future.

021. Water or Fire – Water

022. Love of your life or 4 Billion Dollars - My lover, without a doubt.

023. First fear – As in the first fear I ever had? I don't remember. Probably spiders or something.

024. First best friend – Ellie Ford. We used to touch tongues to gross out the other kids.

025. First award – First prize in a colouring competition when I was on holiday. I think I was eight at the time.

026. First crush – That I remember? Luke Armour. He's in the army now, over in Afghanistan.

027. First pet – Tammy the cat and Rocky the dog.

028. First car trip - When we moved to Bristol from Woodley. I was four.

029. First big birthday – My 18th. I had a massive joint party with my then best friend, Siobhan.

030. Siblings - Two brothers, and one half-sister.

033. Favorite Dessert - Ice cream.

034. Favorite toy in your house – It's a toss up between my rather adult toy, and my two Oods, Nigel and Raymond.

035. Ring? - I normally wear six rings when I'm not at work.

036. Favorite Season - Autumn.

037. Favorite Flower(s) – Plastic ones. Although I don't mind lillies.

038. Favorite Spice - *shrug*

039. Pancakes or Waffles – Pancakes all the way. With lemon and sugar, or melted chocolate.

040. Left- or Right-handed - Righty.

041. Virgin? Not for a long time.

042. How many relationships have you been in? Four.

043. Silver or Gold? Silver.

044. Checkers or Chess? Drafts!!!

045. Desktop or laptop?- Desktop - I hate lappy keyboards.

046. Ever been Out of the country? - Loadsa times.

047. Where? France, Germany, Switzerland, Holland, Italy, Turkey, Australia.

048. Big City or Small town? - The one in the middle.

049. Favorite Food type - Protein! Lol...

050. Favorite Drink – Alcoholic: Vodka, lemonade and lime. Non-alcoholic: Water, with lemon juice.

051. Dogs or Cats – Cats ftw.

052. I'm about to – Get dressed and go to work.

053. Listening to – The hum of my puter.

054. Plans for today - Work, come home, write a letter, make a phonecall.

055. Waiting for - October.

056. Your Height -- 5'3"

057. Contacts or Glasses - Glasses for puter and reading.

058. Want kids? -- Yes. But not right now.

059. Want to get married? - I always thought the answer to that was no, but a certain someone is changing my mind...

060. Careers in mind – Well, some of the careers in 'mind' include psychology, psychiatry, brain surgeon...

061. Rain or Snow - Raaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnn

062. Gloves or Mittens - Fingerless gloves, so my hands are warm but I can still do things.

063. Favorite Girl's Name – I've already decided that if I have a daughter I'ma name her Harley. No prizes for guessing why.

064. Favorite Boy's Name – *shrug*

065. Believe in Magic? - Is that an order?

066. Soda, Pop, or Coke? - LEMONADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

067. Brain or Brawn? - Pinky.

068. Prefer Lips or eyes – Eyes capture you, but lips are important too *wink*

069. Great body or great Personality? Oh, personality all the way.

070. Do you want to be Shorter or taller? I want to be me... *confused*

071. Do you want to initiate the relationship or him/her?- First of all, this question doesn't actually make sense. Secondly, I prefer to make it blatantly obvious that I want a relationship until he asks.

072. Romantic or spontaneous - BLAH.

073. Nice stomach or nice arms – What?? I like shoulders, and I like belly. So by the definition of "nice", I'm assuming my answer would be "arms".

074. Sensitive or loud – Those two aren't even opposites. This quiz is crap.

075. Hook-up or relationship – A big fat relationship with a certain man.

076. Should you be friends first or date first? - It really does depend on how you meet someone. Two of my ex boyfriends I probably would've never ended up in a relationship with if we had been friends first.

077. Trouble maker or hesitant – I make trouble through other people.

078. Chivalry or not? - A little bit of both.

079. Favorite Board Game – Monopoly, purely from the amount of laughs my family have had playing it over the years.

080. Lost glasses/contacts – Nup. Misplaced my glasses a couple of times, but I found them again.

081. Ran away from home – For like, three hours. It was pathetic.

082. Held a gun/knife for defense? - I used to carry a four-inch serrated flip-knife. I'm not entirely sure why.

083. Killed someone? - I was instrumental in the death of a baby bird after it fell out of it's nest and broke it's wing. We couldn't get it back up there and so decided to euthanise the poor creature. I was guilt-ridden for weeks afterwards.

084. Heartbroken – Not right now, no.

085. Been arrested – Nevah!

086. Done anything illegal - A few times, but nothing major.

087. Cried when someone died – I always cry when someone/something dies. Even when it's on TV.

088. Cried by yourself – Uh huh. I try to make sure I'm alone when I cry, because I hate sympathy.

089. Laughed til you cried? -- Oh yes. Many times.

090. Believe in Miracles? – I don't know. I've never seen one, and am skeptical of everything I read in the papers/on the 'net, and see on TV.

091. Believe in Love at first sight? -- No. Lust, maybe, but love? No, love comes later. Sometimes not much later, but later nonetheless.

092. Heaven – is a place on earth, apparently.

093. Santa Claus -- What about him?

094. Say 'I Love you' on the first date – Again with the demands!

095. Sex on the first date -- I've done it before, and I'll do it again.

096. Hold hands on the first date – I hold hands with friends...

097. Is there one person you want to be with right now – Yes, and I wish it didn't cost so much for me to be there.

098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life – There's someone rather fundamental missing at the moment, so until I'm with him... No.

099. Do you believe in God? - No.

100, is anybody going to take this from you?- Maybe, if they haven't done it already...

8:34 AM - January 29, 2009 - comments {1} - post comment

Missing him.

Time difference means that we're rarely awake (let alone online) at the same time, and so we rely mostly on texts to stay in contact.

Yesterday I got an email from him telling me how he's gone over his cap for this month, and won't be able to text me again until next week.

NEXT WEEK.

...That's a week away.

How am I going to manage until then? We still have email, but I can't believe how we ever managed to use that as our only form of communication. *sigh*

11:28 PM - January 27, 2009 - comments {9} - post comment

About to be bleeding, love.

If I hear Leona Lewis's current album ONE MORE TIME I will hurt somebody. I'm not even fussy who that somebody is. I just want to make with the slashy slashy.

I got to work at 9:30 this morning, as I was supposed to, and hunted about for a CD to put in the machine, so that the cafe isn't totally silent. All I could find was Leona Lewis. My working day was 6 hours long. Her album lasts for 53 minutes. I was climbing the walls by midday, in between cooking seemingly endless trays of bacon (I hate bacon) and being told my cookies had to be thrown away because they were overcooked (the girl covering my break took them out of the oven ONE MINUTE after the timer went off).

Oh, and I managed to get my arm trapped between a metal baking tray, and a five inch thick freezer door. The resulting bruise has yet to surface fully, but when it does I'm willing to bet it'll rival the one I had on my butt/leg a while ago...

All in all, not a fantastic day. But I did get some gorgeous, melty messages from my lover. Mmm.

6:12 PM - January 25, 2009 - comments {11} - post comment

Visitations

In a mad rush of "Hey, I'm not attached to anyone anymore, let's go and do all the things I kept saying I would but didn't because I was soooo o oo o o o oo o with him!", I have booked three days off at the beginning of February.

I'm going to repay a visitation from our very lovely Bebbety Spaghetti, and this time I'm not going to get entirely wasted and embarass myself in front of new people! Yay!

So, Bebs, get ready. Tuesday, February 10th. Cheltenham Spa station. Be there.

*picks outfits*

4:54 PM - January 24, 2009 - comments {13} - post comment

*melt*

I was told last night by a certain person that this song makes him think of me.

8:37 PM - January 17, 2009 - comments {10} - post comment

Fuck you, Firefox...

...I didn't want to post an amusing, photographic blog about my accidental haircut, anyway.

I didn't want anyone to see what a shambles I've made of my own fringe. No, no I did not. So you go ahead and crash on me all you want you stupid vitun mulkku...

9:42 PM - January 11, 2009 - comments {12} - post comment

On not being able to fly.

Human flight bugs me. It really, really gets on my wick.

It's just so... improbable, and yet it's something that we're totally fascinated with. Take Nathan Petrelli, for example.

(If you don't watch Heroes, click here)

7:42 PM - January 10, 2009 - comments {13} - post comment

My new most favourite thing in all the world.

1:22 PM - January 9, 2009 - comments {10} - post comment

What will be, will be.

So my last post became something I never wanted it to be, and that's sad. That's a stage that no breakup should ever have to reach if the two people involved are mature adults. Which we so are. *resists the urge to moon you all*

Let me just lay down a line here. I'm happy for Tom. I am. Srsly. Like this:


I'm happy that he's not on his own, and I'm happy that he's met someone who makes him so excited. Or rather, who -seems- to make him so excited. I have yet to run across the two of them together. Hopefully she will be the girlfriend I couldn't be, for whatever reason, without replacing those special times we had together. She seems far more 'suited' to him than I was, so I really hope it works out for them.

I also want to say that I like C. I've known her for a very long time, on and off, and although I didn't talk to her that much when we were younger because she was very quiet and I was very not, I still think she's pretty cool. I've heard bad things about her, but then I've heard bad things about most of my friends, and it's really not my place to try and "warn" Tom of any rumours that might be flowing around this already dusty mill. If there are mistakes to be made, they will make them on their own, without my input. I don't want to be that kind of ex.

All I'm worried about now is the "Battle of Wills" that every relationship goes through when the ex first meets the new girlfriend. I mean, I've met C before, loadsa times, but never as "Tom's girlfriend". I just don't want there to be this animosity between us or anything, and I don't want... *sigh* I'm not entirely sure what it is I don't want, because I can't find the right words to express it properly. But I think Tom knows what I mean, and I know he'll probably read this so meh. That thing.

I just wanted to clear that up. *puts away broom and brushes hands on apron*

Shut up. I have an apron. It's for work.

7:17 PM - January 5, 2009 - comments {4} - post comment

Just when I thought it was ok to breathe..

I thought I was dealing with the breakup pretty well. I wasn't too upset, I stopped crying only two days after it happened, and Tom and I were on the best of terms. Finally, life was back to normal. I've been looking after his chilli plants while he was at his parent's for Christmas, and he came over today to get them back, and give me the last of my stuff from his.

He looked very pleased with himself.

Instantly I knew. I didn't want to say anything, but I knew. I've known him for too long, and too intimately, to not be able to read every single facial muscle he possesses. We chatted, idly, until I couldn't take it anymore and asked him why he looked so smug. He did that shy little laugh he does when he knows he's been caught out, and asked if we could talk about it some other time.

No, we can't.

Eventually he told me he's "kinda met someone". Someone we both know. Do you know, it didn't even take me two seconds to know who it was? She's been checking him out for months, right in front of me, and now that the way is clear, she's jumped in for the kill.

That's too bitchy. But I don't care.

He's never noticed her looking, and I can believe that because until we broke up I KNOW he never even looked at another girl. That's just how he is. But now... apparently they got a chance to talk properly for the first time the other day, and he thinks there's a spark. I think she wants to sleep with him, but hey. What can you do.

Oh, and she thinks I don't like her, which to me sounds like a ploy to get him to stop seeing me so often. We're best friends, girl. Get used to it. I'm not claiming him, and even though this is a shock to me I don't actually care if he's seeing her, but I won't stand for anyone messing him about. He's had enough of that in the past. But yeah. Apparently I don't like her. She has absolutely no reason to believe that, because I am nothing but lovely to her every time we talk. I've known her since I was what, 13? But anyway.

It hurts.

4:12 PM - January 3, 2009 - comments {28} - post comment

A Fantabulous New Year!

Last night was one of the best New Year's Eve parties I've ever been to. I don't know why, it was just... good. Y'know, that good when you don't have to try, you just have to be there, to exist in the same room as all those other people, and there's no drama or bitching or worrying about things. Just you, the people, the music and the drink. Fantabulous.

I got some good photos too, which are all on Facebook, for those who're on my friends list there. For those brave few who've managed to stay away from that modern evil, here's a selection of the best shots of the night:

WARNING: MASSIVE PHOTOS!!!

After four attempts, Greg, James, Sophie and I manage to all get in a photo, almost breaking James and Sophie's sofa in the process...


Marly and I get photographed in a crazy red haze after I accidentally cover the flash with my hand...


Dave's arse becomes a no-go zone...


My full attire for the evening...

8:52 PM - January 1, 2009 - comments {5} - post comment

2008 Quiz Thang

2008 IS ALMOST OVER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Stayed single the whole year?
Not until the very end of it.

Kissed someone new?
Friendly kisses from friends.

Done something you've regretted?
Got massively drunk at my work's Christmas party, and don't remember getting home.

Lost someone?
A very old friend died, and the longest relationship I've ever had broke apart.

Cut class?
I doesn't have classes.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
I'll say.

Visited a different country?
France and Holland.

Cooked a gross meal?
Nevah! My meals are teh deliciousness.

Lost something important to you?
Yes, but it was better for it to go than to stay.

Got a gift you adore?
Several.

Tripped over a coffee table?
No, but I -have- fallen over sitting down.

Dyed your hair?
Earlier this summer... the colour's all faded and grown-out now. :(

Came close to losing your life?
Not once.

Went to a party?
Went to a couple, yes.

Read a great book?
None of them stand out a great deal, but they were all enjoyable.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
Sadly, no. I haven't seen anyone live this year.

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Yes! Candy, Ed and Marc.

Did you dislike anyone?
There are always people you can dislike, but I just try to ignore them as best as possible.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Sadly, yes.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
I regret that I just don't -see- my friends very often.


2008: Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
Nuu. *cries*

Did you have a party?
I had a Superhero/Villain themed night out!

Did you get any presents?
LOTS!

Name some and who'd you get them from?
Mighty Boosh series 1 and 2 DVD boxset, Planet Terror, Death Proof, and a few other things from my family, a gorgeous notebook and a rubber duckie from Bebs, and some Finnish phrasebooks from Dante.

2008: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
It sounds like this question is asking if you're still wearing the same clothes you were when 2008 kicked in... :S
I've not changed as much as I've grown.

Did you change your style?
Don't really have a style.

Were you in school?
Nope.

Did you get good grades?
I wasn't in school, stupid quiz!

Did you drive?
Nope.

Did you own a car?
Pretty pointless exercise if I don't drive, isn't it?

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my friend Sarah from school.

Did you move at all?
I moved bedrooms, does that count?

Did you go on any vacations?
Mmhmm. France earlier this year, and Holland in September.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
I, too, need a haircut. And to lose some weight.

2008 WRAP UP:

Was 2008 a good year?
Yeah, it wasn't bad. Could've ended better, but meh. These things happen.

Do you think 2009 will be better than 2008?
I hope it will. It has the potential to be much better, and also much worse.

I confess that in 2008 I...

() kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
(x) had your heart broken
() went over the minutes on your cell phone
() someone questioned your sexual orientation
() came out of the closet
() gotten pregnant
() had an abortion
(x) done something you've regretted

OTHER
() painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
() ran a mile
() shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
() posted a blog on MySpace
(x) visited a foreign country
() cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
() cooked a disastrous meal
() lied about how old you were
(x) prank called someone

In 2008 I...
[x] broke a promise
[x] fell out of love
[x] told a little white lie
[x] lied
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[] slept under the stars
[] kept your new years resolution
[] forgot your new years resolution
[] met someone who changed your life
[] met one of your idols
[] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[] left the country
[] almost died
[] given up on something/someone important to you
[] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[] spent most of your money on food
[] had a fist fight
[] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
[x] gotten sick
[x] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[x] became closer with a lot of people

Any questions?

5:10 PM - January 1, 2009 - comments {3} - post comment

And as if there were mirrors...

There's always someone in the world experiencing the same things as you are, and every now and again that someone else happens to be someone you know.

I've had a situation of my own that has almost mirrored that of our own Pixeh's, and the result is the same: I, too, am now single.

Before you all ask... yes, I do think it's permanent. Yes, it was the right decision, and yes, I'm ok. It's been a long time coming.

Oh, and in response to your comment on Facebook, Gypsy... do you take milk or lemon? :P

11:58 PM - December 15, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Away For A While

Hi guys.

This is just a quick post to let those of you who regularly read my blog know that I might not be blogging for a little while. Something very delicate and confusing is happening right now and I need to concentrate on it fully in order to make the best decisions for everyone involved.

Those of you who have my number, or email, MSN or Facebook - I'll still be contactable by those things. I'll still come by here to check on my alerts, and to read your blogs, but you won't hear much from me other than comments.

Thanks for reading.

-Nicola

9:12 AM - December 12, 2008 - comments {4} - post comment

What's your favourite Christmas song?

There are only 17 days until Christmas, and my cafe have started playing the festive music. I just feel lucky that it's taken us so long to do so. Some places (Starbucks, I'm lookin' at you) have been playing Chrimbo CDs since the middle of November!

But every year, when these playlists get their annual airing, I'm reminded of a song I just love to tiny bits and pieces. It's not a classic, hell, it's not even that good a song, but it's always been one of my all-time favourites and is DEFINITELY my favourite Christmas song.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you....

East 17 - 'Stay Another Day'

8:46 PM - December 8, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Like a bearded warrior!

10:28 PM - December 4, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

What hilarity there is in coffee.

Today I spilt a regular-sized cappuccino over not one, not two, but THREE old ladies.

One cup, three biddies, Nicola am win. I don't quite know how I managed to soak a triple, but soak them I did, and what's more... they were ok with it. Now, if I had popped down to a coffee shop for a quick morning pick-up, and was stood talking to my friends when the doofus behind the counter showered me with hot, steaming cappuccino, I would not be laughing. Yet these old girls did just that. They laughed. And not in a "haha, you're a shit coffee serving personage" way, but a "oh look! We're covered in coffee! Isn't this just super!" way.

I wish I could be so jolly.



Oh, and Bebs? Two separate customers told me today that our coffee is 'better than Starbucks'. One more reason for you to come visit.

8:48 PM - December 3, 2008 - comments {13} - post comment

Birth

I rediscovered a CD the other day... one I hadn't seen since I bought it in 2004, gave it a listen, and went "Nah...". I don't know why I did that. It's awesome.

Especially this song. I just love the lyrics, and I don't know why the video is so gross and weird.

8:17 AM - December 2, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

Some Friday things.

I love to watch blind people smile. You can tell they've never seen their own faces before because when they grin it's really... free. Just completely open and wide and innocent. I love that.

I officially started my Christmas shopping today... bought something totally awesome for our Dante, and picked up a few bits and bobs for other folk. I love being able to get things that I know the recipients will adore. It makes the whole process so much more enjoyable. Just wish I could afford a bit more.

I tried on a hat in H&M. My head is still massive. I've got some kind of Conehead look going on that really annoys me.

I went to take my phone into the O2 shop to get it sent off for repair, only I hadn't actually bought the handset with me. I swear, sometimes I am just too smart for my own good.

I ate a jacket potato with cheese and beans from a crappy polystyrene plate in the deserted upper floor of my town's smaller shopping mall. It's like a ghost-mall up there, it's kinda creepy. Only a few years ago it was thriving, full of eateries and shops and all kinds of stuff. Kinda depressing that it's all gone now. You used to be able to get the most AWESOME ice-cream sundaes from the cafe up there.

Oh, and yesterday I successfully butchered a t-shirt. It looks fabulous. Well, not quite that good, but you know what I mean. Next, my Joker t-shirt, when I get some black fabric. I really hope I don't screw that one up.

3:28 PM - November 28, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Twisty goes Mobile!

If you keep up with your tracking alerts, you may have seen the comment my Anonymous lover (oh don't be so scandalous - it's Tom) left for me, regarding a temporary replacement phone.

I is mobile again! Huzzah! And, having only been uncontactable (shut up, it's a real word) for 4 days, I turned the phone on and immediately received 17 texts. Popularity ftw!

So, who wants to see my sexy new (ha!) piece of equipment?

8:01 PM - November 26, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Broken

My phone is busted. The battery is dead and the thing inside it that connects to the charger, performing necromancy on the battery is busted, meaning I can't actually charge the phone at all.

Which isn't really relevant to this blog, because only three of you have my phone number. But still.

Oh, and that reminds me - Del. I bought you an AWESOME birthday pressie, but I need you to send me your address again because I've once again lost it. Never fear though, I have recently forked out for an Address Book, and shall keep everybody's locations safe and sound beneath a picture of two kitties. Sweet.

11:02 PM - November 23, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

And as if that wasn't bad enough...

I got a phonecall this morning from Brother 2, but my phone was on silent so I didn't know. Brother 2 only ever calls me when something is wrong, or he needs something from me. For example, the last two times he's called me:

1) He'd got home from the pub, to find the house unlocked and no-one home at 11:30pm. My parents rarely, if ever go out, and NEVER leave the house unlocked. Both their phones were off, and he panicked. Turned out my Mum had taken my Dad to A&E after some kids beat him up and broke his finger.

2) Mum and Dad were at work, and Brother 2 was home alone when the cat (who we've had since both he and B2 were babies) starting retching, dragging himself across the floor and basically re-enacting a Hollywood death scene. He panicked, and called me, thinking that I could do something to help, even though I was on the other side of the country and about to go to Holland.

So you can see why I might think something was wrong when he called this morning. I tried calling back, his phone was off. Uh oh. Tried calling Dad - straight to answerphone. Tried calling Mum, and the phone rang and rang and rang until she eventually answered, to tell me B1 had been arrested last night.

Which is my point, by the way. As if I didn't have a shit enough time last night, B1 has gone and got himself arrested, and slapped with an £80 fine that he has to pay by next week or he loses his Public Licence (to run his own pub/bar) that he only passed last week.

Basically what had happened was this: The kid who stabbed him two years ago is out of jail now, and showing absolutely no remorse for what he did. In fact, he's deliberately taunted B1 in the town centre several times, to the point where B1 actually moved away to be apart from it all. But that didn't work out, and B1's back now. Him and B2 went out last night, and Jean-Claude was there. The boy's got smart enough to know that all he needs to do is stand in the same room as B1 and look at him with that dumb-as-shit grin and my poor brother sees red. He goes crazy.

Which is how he ended up with two policemen holding him down, slapping a fine on him, and threatening to charge him further when he said he'd chin them both if they didn't let him go so he could break Jean-Claude's neck.




Oh, and B2? He called to see if I wanted his ticket to the game (Reading vs. Southampton) today, because he can't go.

12:36 PM - November 22, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

So...

...last night was shit. Let's do points. '+' is my mood going up, '-' is my mood going down.

+ Started out in an ok mood. Looked alright, felt alright, things were fine.

- Found out G (very old friend) was having a 'do for his birthday, and hadn't invited me. Felt a bit sad.

+ Gatecrashed G's birthday thing. I say gatecrashed... we turned up at the pub they were at. Everyone happy to see us, apparently G didn't invite a lot of people, thinking we'd all just find out from eachother. Mood went up a bit.

- The party moved to a different, more expensive pub after only one drink. Mood went down.

+ Got ignored by G for a fair while, but did speak to a couple of his mates from work who were pretty cool.

- Said 'pretty cool' bloke starts laughing at me because I'm in a good mood and talking a lot. I get angry.

- He laughs more, and I get paranoid. This isn't going well. I've had a few cocktails by now, the sugar is making feel sick and am wanting to leave.

+ We go to the club, where I'm greeted enthusiastically by O, who I haven't seen in aaaaaaaaaages, and some random guy who I think was hitting on me but I was so oblivious I really couldn't say for sure.

- Saw L and J in the loos. We chat about the funeral that I didn't go to, and I get grilled on my decision. I say some inflammatory things that I don't necessarily mean but I'm fed up of their exercises in grief and just want to come out and have a good time. We carry on talking, but when I turn around to wash my hands, they leave. Grr.

+ Stood at the bar for a while chatting to J and O. Then O starts on (again) about how he's taller than me. We're the same height, and I can see more of the top of his head than he can mine, but he claims height. Is funny.

- O is really getting into this height thing. Asking several people to look at us back to back so he can make sure he's taller than me. I'm past caring, and starting to get annoyed. Trying to have a conversation with E, and being interrupted a LOT.

- Tom tells me he's going to the bar to get drinks, and I should wait for him where I am. Where I am is the smoking area, OUTSIDE, in just my t-shirt and jeans, and it's fucking cold. Also no-one is talking to me, despite several tries to catch eyes and start conversation. Tom takes an absolute age, and I give up and go looking for him.

- Tom gets pissed off because he was waiting at the bar for me. Grr.

- Try to talk to A, who's relationship with I is on the rocks. Get a bit stressed because I warned her he was a dickhead, and she knows how he treated previous girlfriends. Someone (possibly R) tries to ruffle my hair or something, and I let out an almighty "FUCK OFF!!!!" in their general direction. Feel bad, feel angry, want to go.

- Tom catches up with me, after hearing my roar, and I flip at him a little. Automatically feel awful, but I can't take it back, I'm in a bit of a rage. Storm out of the club, almost knocking B flying and then yelling at her when she asks if I'm ok. Don't stop to collect my coat, just slam the door open and I'm gone.

- Tom catches up with me, again. I yell at him. He stares at me, in disbelief. I can't remember what I said, but I know it's awful when he starts to do his Angry Face. I've only ever seen that face twice in our 3 years, and it's never been directed at me before. Feel bad, but the rage is still high and I can't back down. Shout some more. Say really, REALLY horrible things. Be stupid and refuse my coat, get very cold. Walk home with him, still saying shit and making us both angry and upset.

- We get back, and I try to sleep on the sofa. He won't let me. He coaxes me into bed, and I tell him I'm leaving soon as I wake up.

- I wake up. I feel like shit. I try to apologise and he's so cold and distant that I'm convinced I've fucked this up for keeps. He admits he was thinking of telling me to get out last night, and that he was seriously considering ending this. I'm scared. I try to say sorry, but I said horrible, terrible things and on top of recent drama it settles in far deeper than I can reach to kiss it away.

+ Perform CPR on relationship. Get a heartbeat. Cling on for dear life.

10:22 AM - November 22, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Big Fat Jazz

Got on the scales yesterday morning.
Fresh out of the shower, dried my hair so the water didn't become part of my weight, didn't have breakfast so I could see what I weigh before I eat...

...bastarding thing said I've put on half a stone since Monday.

7lbs in four days?? *sigh* I know I'm all bloated and crap from "lady's problems" (why is it a problem? I never understood that) this week, but 7lbs???

I'm currently the heaviest I've ever weighed, and nothing I seem to do is making it go away.

And yet, somehow, I felt utterly sexy and gorgeous last night. I don't quite know how that works, but I've been blaming it on the jazz. Laying in bed, completely naked, windows open to let in the cool morning air, and listening to a mix of smooth, latin, bluesy and contemporary jazz really does wonders for the soul.

11:10 AM - November 15, 2008 - comments {3} - post comment

Wednesday Things

It's Wednesday.
When the hell did that happen??
I swear, last time I checked the date it was Monday. Tuesday just... *poof*. Even though I know I was at the pub on Tuesday night, coming 4th in the quiz.

Weird.

But yes. Today is Wednesday, and what have I done?
I've been learning kitchen things at work. The only two people who are currently fully trained in Kitchen Stuff at the moment are both going back to Brazil early next year, so the bosses need to get someone else trained up. I'm totally awesome, so they chose me. Heh.

Today I made cheese and bacon stuffed potato skins (getting my hands covered in bacon fat, squishy grated cheese and potato - fun!), topped and cut the carrot cake bases (getting my hands, shirt and apron covered in cream cheese icing and melted chocolate - even more fun!), and made cookies (hands covered in delicious cookie dough - all the fun of the fair!!)...

...and now I have free sausage rolls, free pain au chocolat and a free (if slightly crispy) lasagne.

I love my job.

7:36 PM - November 12, 2008 - comments {4} - post comment

Things...

I am the only person online right now.

One. Out of... how many? *shrug*

I have things to do, but I don't want to do them. I don't want to sit down and write back to my three outstanding penpal letters, I don't want to empty all my boxes from the room-swap, and I don't want to cook a delicious beef, ale and mushroom stew. Because it WILL be delicious. My cooking is very rarely not lip-smackingly good. Except for that time I forgot to add the chillies to my spicy meatballs... came out a little bland, those did.

I DO want to do all those things, but I also don't. Does that make sense? So much doesn't make sense to me right now. Why she doesn't call or text anymore, why he says it's ok and then shoots me that look that says "Y'know, it's not really ok but I'm going to pretend it is because I really want it to be" and then I get the ache, the deep down and dirty ache that means I should be trying to fix these things but I just don't know what I can do. I've done everything I can think of, and now I guess I have to wait. But waiting takes time, and time plays on my mind. I'm sure that's a song, but I can't think of the rest of the lyrics.

Tip of the tongue, top of the mind. Skimmed off, like when you drink the coffee too soon after it's poured.

Feels like Cherreh's in my brain, the way I write this.

I want something, I just wish I knew what it was. I need something new, something to be excited about, something I really sink my teeth into and DO. A story is floating in my mind but I don't want to write it down because it'll be rubbish. A picture is forming in my eye but I can't draw it out because it'll suck. Maybe I should just get drunk tonight. So drunk I run. I haven't drunk-ran in so long.

Bebbet, there's going to be spacehopper jousting at the Face in a few weeks. We're having a Medieval K/Night. I'll be sober enough to notice/remember this one.

Did you know the Smurfs were Belgian? We didn't, and it cost us a point on the pub quiz on Tuesday. Weird, how you sometimes think something is one thing when it's another thing entirely. But I did remember Man-O-Man. What a shitty (and therefore awesome) show that was.

4:01 PM - November 7, 2008 - comments {2} - post comment

Stolen Heroes?

I've been watching the third season of Heroes, and something has just occurred to me. I don't know if any of you have been watching it, too, but it was during the episode when all the evil dudes from level 5 break out and go on the rampage.

A lot of the people with abilities in this show appear to have been ripped off from Marvel, DC, and all the other superhero/villain related companies...

Pyrokenesis (Pyro/Johnny Storm)
Magnetism Manipulation (Magneto)
Power Absorption (Rogue)
Superhuman strength, agility and senses (Spiderman)
Cryokinesis (Ice-man)
Mind reading and mind control (Charles Xavier)
Telekinesis (Jean Gray)
Rapid cellular regeneration (Wolverine)
Sound manipulation (Banshee)
Invisibility (Susan Storm)

...and those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I know a few of you guys are supergeeks, so feel free to tell me which heroes/villains these character's abilities are based on....

Empathic mimicry (gaining other's abilities without removing them from their original owners).
Puppet mastery.
Super speed.
Flight
Precognition through visual art.
Induced radioactivity.
Electric manipulation.
Intuitive aptitude (can figure out how ANYTHING works).
Technopathy (can 'speak' to machines).
Healing others.
Gravitational manipulation (creates vortexes).
Adoptive muscle memory (can learn how to do anything physical).
Phasing.
Poison emission. *there is also a character who can cease and reverse this ability*
Space-time manipulation (allowing teleportation, time travel and time manipulation).
Eidetic memory (can learn to do anything mental).
Clairsentience (can read the history of anything she touches).
Dream manipulation.
Superhuman strength induced by the fear of others.
Vocal persuasion.
Liquification.
Illusion creation.

...that enough to get your juices flowing? :P

10:07 PM - November 2, 2008 - comments {11} - post comment

Dear Grief Junkies

I understand that we're all upset.
I know it was tragic, unexpected.
I realise that you probably knew her better than me.

But seriously... stop it. There is a time and a place for the level of grief you're exhibiting, and while yes, I'm as cut up as the rest of you about the loss of someone we all knew and loved in our own ways, I'm not about to mope around in public with a face like a slapped arse, going on and on about "How can you have fun when somebody we knew is DEAD???".

That's exactly how I can have fun. Because she IS dead. And I am NOT dead. Harsh? Maybe. But we're alive, and we're the ones who get to tell the tale of her life and her love and her existence, and knowing you knew her better means that I know you know she'd hate this. Anyone would hate to see you act like this because of them. So give it up. Everyone knows you're doing this to look like you care so much more than the rest of us.

Hard and callous as it is, the fact of the matter is SHE WANTED TO DIE. Whether it was an illness she couldn't cope with, or a problem she couldn't solve, or merely just that she'd had enough of this rotten, selfish world, I don't know. But she leapt in front of that train knowing what she was doing, and for that I respect her. I know that somewhere her soul is happy now, and I'm happy for her.

So wipe away those crocodile tears, and stop forcing your grief on me. This is not how I get through these things, and your constant barrage of "How did you know her? How well did you know her? Wasn't she lovely? I just can't believe it" is making me rage. It's enough that I did know her, and yes, she was lovely. She was gorgeous, all the way through, but she could also be a bitch. We all can, and are.

I can only be nice, and nod morosely, for so long.

10:18 AM - November 1, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

For everyone

Dark wings fold around my head with all the promise of warmth and affection that they know I so need right now. But in truth their feathery hold is cold and desolate, and I won't be tricked again.

I fell into them once before, and it left me broken and afraid. I holed up inside where I thought I would find my heart again, and all I found was a twisted husk, sucked dry long ago of anything I could give, by the one person I thought would never take it away from me.

Burned out, broken up, dried and left to fade away.

Today the wings carry a different shade of black, one of dark and lonely winter nights, the wind howling all the way from the moon, and the sky on fire with all the colours of a mad god's handcrafted thunderhead. Indeed, it feels more like clouds than wings, more like a raging storm than a silent devil-bird. All the same, I am shrouded.

There is a tiny hole inside of me, that hurts more than any gaping wound, in the same way a papercut hurts more than a gash from a carving knife. They all leave this little rent in my heart, and I try so hard to believe that yes, it really will heal. But right here, right now, their absence feels like an ocean sucked dry, and I think tonight is the night for drinking it full again.

Lyrically, mentally and emotionally it works so well.

To all the ones I've loved and lost, both through life and through death, and all the ones I still have to hold on to, this song's for you.

11:21 AM - October 31, 2008 - comments {3} - post comment

Finding the Words.

Why is it that when you want to write something poignant, something meaningful, all those words that you're so handy with every other smucking day of the year are all of a sudden nowhere to be found?

I first met Eva in the summer of 2001, drinking cheap cider in the park and listening to metal through tinny speakers attached to a portable CD player. She was gorgeous, clever, and oh so stylish. She wore beads on the end of thin braids tied at random through her long, blonde hair, and a permanent mysterious smile that I later found out covered a slight discolouration in one of her front teeth. Eva was my first girl-crush, and the girl who taught me that it's ok to like women as well as men.

I know she went through depression, and that she cut herself as a result of it - the scars were later covered by dozens of 10p-sized stars down her forearm - but I thought she was ok now. She left for uni last year, and although we didn't keep in touch as well as maybe we should've, every time I saw her back in town it was like she'd never left.

And then, last night, through Facebook of all things, I was told that Eva had taken her own life. It even made the local newspaper. She threw herself in front of the high-speed train to Basingstoke just outside of Reading West Station during rush hour. I think that's the worst part. The 'just outside' bit. The line from Reading West to Basingstoke runs behind my house, less than 30 feet from my kitchen window. Could 'just outside' be on that tree-lined section of track on the other side of my close? I'll probably never know, and I don't think I want to.

The most horrible part of all is that I know, through friends who work on the railways, just how selfish it is for someone to step out in front of a train. On a list of "Ways To Take Your Own Life", 'by train' gains the least respect and sympathy from me, and I feel awful for that. I loved Eva to pieces, but there's a part of me that can't help but feel bad for the driver of the service that hit her, for the passengers on that train, and for the poor guys who had to, and there's no nicer way of saying this, clear her up.

But those men and women will live to see another day, and my poor Eva will not.

Here's to a beautiful girl, may her soul find it's way to a happier place.

3:51 PM - October 29, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Stalked?

I signed into my Interpals (penpal finding website) account yesterday, to find a message from a potential friend who we will name S. I replied, and we had a brief but amusing conversation which I will shorten to the points which are relevant to this story:

S: "Thought I'd drop you a quick message for so many reasons. Those include, because I have no alcohol left. You seem really cool. I'd like to be friends with you, and even though you are indeed very attractive, as you say, you have a boyfriend already, so that kinda knocks that out."

Me: "I have no alcohol left either... Oh well, I'm about to go eat some bagels (mmm, bagels) and get ready for work. Yes, on a SUNDAY."

S: "MMmm bagels. If you happen to sell food where you are I should happily drive to you, simply to go "Hello!​ I'm S from interpals"​ ... then eat said purchased food from you... I have to entertain myself today down here in Evesham until Monday. when apartment viewing is being had."

Me: "Y'know what? I work lovely cafe called Boswell's, so it's pretty much a guarantee that you'd be able to buy food from me. Magic, no? :P Evesham... where's that? Sad to say my geography isn't all that great. A pox on the crappy education system! I'm in Reading... woohoo, excitement."

S: "Sweet! If you don't mind some random internet guy coming to your place of employment, should gimme the address :P Evesham = about 30 mins south of Birmingham, about 2 hours from Reading. But as I say. I will undoubtedly have all the time in the world today."

Me: "So long as you don't plan to come stalk me, I recommend our pies :P Feel free to message me back, but I won't be able to reply now until later tonight, because I'm about to go to work! Yay! *dons apron*"

S: "Neh. No stalking."

Me: "Cool. Anywho, I really am off now. Speak to you later maybe."

And I toddled off to work. Sunday's are pretty mental in the morning, and what with it being the beginning of the school holidays we had quite a lot of parents/grandparents coming in and buying the kids some brekkies, and it wasn't long before my morning's conversation with 'S' was pretty much forgotten.

Roll on 2pm. The shop is quiet, the lunch rush having ended, and I'm just serving a few folks at the counter. A man walks over to the food orders section (which so happened to be MY section yesterday) and asks for a jacket potato with cheese, no butter. I duly note down his order on my pad and give him his table number and carbon copy for Rachel on the till. He's looking at me a bit funny, so I ask as politely as possible:

"I'm sorry, but do I know you from somewhere?"

"Yes... I believe you do. I have a fairly strong internet presence..."

*silence* ".........................oh my god. S."

*grin*"Told you I'd come down and buy some food from you!"

"Yes, but I didn't think you'd actually come!!!"

He came. All the way from freakin' Evesham, he came down to see me. After, what, 30 minutes of conversation? I was taken aback, to say the least.

Anyway. He sits down with his potato that, as it turns out, I had to make up for him, and occasionally looks up to where I'm serving/standing around and waves a little. After about an hour he stands, gives me one last grin and a wave, and leaves. I audibly exhale, drawing odd glances from some of the people I'm working with. Did I unwittingly invite him down here? Were my responses not vague and off-putting enough? Who knows. However, it only takes me an hour or so to feel guilty for acting so weird, and I tap him out a quick message over the internet on my phone during my break:

"I'm really sorry if I was rude to you earlier - we'd had a manic morning and then you completely shocked me by actually turning up! It was so sweet of you to come all the way here, and I just wanted to apologise."

There. Guilt alleviated, back to work. Got home later that evening, to find a reply from him, which ended up in this little exchange:

S:"Don't worry - you weren't rude at all - lol. Most people don't think I'd do something like that, and how wrong they normally are :p Shame you have a boyfriend - otherwise I'd be able to say how rather ... alluring you are in real life ;)"

Me: "Haha! Oh dear...I can't imagine I looked too lovely in my work uniform with my hair all tied back and awful, but it's nice of you to say. Did you do anything else while you were here, or did you literally just come down for a jacket potato and then leave again??"

S: "You know. People often say that their work uniforms don't make them seem that nice. But in my eyes, what they do and what they wear when they do it, is part of who they are, and i normally like a lass for every part of who she is and what she looks like - not just on looks alone ;) Half tempted to stay and watch the pole dancing, (Note: There were some people doing pole dancing and aerobics to raise money for a local charity in the shopping center where my cafe is) but with you not being up there, seemed to half empty of anything nice to watch *ahem* So yeah. Just the potato and a 7-Up"

What? WHAT??

Now, I know there's nothing wrong with flirting. I myself flirt with a number of my friends, both male and female, but they're all people I've known long enough to know whether or not that kind of behaviour is acceptable by both sides. What 'S' is saying to me right now just seems really inappropriate considering the tiny amount of time we'd spent talking, and the fact that he acknowledged his, uh, knowledge of Tom.

Am I over-reacting, or do I have a right to feel slightly uncomfortable about his last message? I've not replied, because I honestly don't know what to say to that. Tom would tell me to just tell him where to go, but I can't be that mean to people.

Halp?

8:56 PM - October 27, 2008 - comments {13} - post comment

Day off stuff, and my assault on the door-to-door God Squad.

First day off in a while...

It's like, waking up on the first day of the school holidays and remembering that you can go back to bed for another hour or two. Utter jubilation.

Jubilation is an entirely underused word in this life. Like misanthrope, and catalyst.

Tonight is Not Steve's anti-celebration of his 40th birthday, and he's requested that all attending females wear "something exciting" for the occasion. Corset and ruffled skirt it is, then! Thank god I remembered to shave my legs this morning.

Cruelty is good. Sometimes you really need to be cruel to get yourself through the day. I'm always sneakily suspicious of people who are always nice, always kind, never have a bad word to say about anyone. I think to myself that maybe they beat their kids, or torture the family dog or something. You need balance. Equilibrium. Christian Bale taught a lesson, kids. Learn it.

Ross Noble is fucking hilarious. Watched Unrealtime the other day and I'm still laughing. I don't even remember why. It's like the time I watched his stint at the Apollo on telly. I was wetting my pants with no clue as to the reasoning behind it all. I love that man. I wish I was that randomly hilarious.

Some god botherers came to my house today, demanding to know why I wasn't prostrating myself upon the floor in the name of Jebus. I don't even believe in Jebus! I asked the woman how the current mahoosive amount of people in the world could've possibly come from just Adam and Eve... and then, we spake thusly:

"Ah, but if you have read the Bible, like you claim to, you will know that Adam and Eve had many sons and daughters."

"Yes.. I know this. So what you're telling me is that the children of Adam and Eve procreated among themselves, yes?"

"Yes, that's right."

"Ok... but that, according to your god, is a sin."

"Ah no, it's only a sin in the New Testament. In the Old Testament it was allowed, see, because they were pure."

"Um... I thought the whole thing of them being thrown out of Eden was because they became impure."

"Yes."

"So, by that fact, their sons and daughters were impure, and therefore commiting incestuous acts in order to populate the world."

"Uh, well, no. Because they were pure, being the children of Adam and Eve."

"I think we've done this one already. Your god is a confused deity."

"Maybe you see him as confused because you yourself are confused as to your feelings toward him."

"It's hard to have feelings for something you don't believe exists."

"How can you not believe when there is so much of his work around you?"

"Uh...huh. And how can you believe when there are so many more people in the world that DON'T believe in your god, than those who do? Muslims, for example? Jews? Hindus? All of which have different gods to the one you claim is all poweful."

"They created their own gods for their own moral codes. Our god is supreme over all."

"But if your god is as powerful as you say, and as supreme as you believe, why then are there so many other religions? Why hasn't he proven himself to all the non-believers?"

"Well... it's... he doesn't..."

"Yes. I thought so. Goodbye."

*slam*

5:45 PM - October 24, 2008 - comments {16} - post comment

Cucumbers

I was chopping cucumbers today, and I all-of-a-sudden realised why some women like to use them as makeshift dildos.

Those bastards are BIG!

5:10 PM - October 21, 2008 - comments {11} - post comment

Yesterday Fun

I was going about my business yesterday, making delicious lunches for the people of Reading, when who should come into the cafe but ex-Conservative MP and minor TV personality Giles Brandreth! In case you're wondering, he ordered a ham, tomato and grain mustard baguette, which I didn't make because I was in charge of the toasties and paninis. I did make one of the people he was with a tuna wrap, which she very much enjoyed. Huzzah. They had a camera with them, so our humble little cafe may well be on't telly sometime soon!

Last night we went out for Roj's birthday, to the local Laserquest. Never played Laserquest / Don't know what it is? Basically, you and your friends get put into two teams, then you strap on a bulky vest that has flashing shoulder, chest and back panels and a lasergun on a cord. Then you run around in the dark in a big room with lots of walls to hide behind, UV paint on the walls and loud music, trying to shoot the opposite team's flashy bits. The team who hit the most people and/or get hit the least wins. There were 20 of us, 10 to a team. Second game of three, I was on the red team, and we were backed into a corner by the more adventurous greens, so Tom organised a charge. I say organised... he yelled out a warcry and all the boys on the team ran forward, shooting til their fingers went numb. I was behind a wall, being chased by a green, and didn't hear the cry above the music, and so was a bit shocked when Gareth came running around the corner and right into me. Gareth is 6'2", and so his gun was at my face level. I now have a lovely purple bruise on my chin, and another on my elbow where I hit the ground with considerable force.

*nurses face* Oooooowwww....

4:54 PM - October 21, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

Getting in the Box, and new Twisty pics.

I'm losing touch.
I'm missing out.

I'm never at home for long enough to keep up with you guys anymore. Working six days a week is draining me. Seriously. Dddrrraaaiiinnniiinnnggg. I feel like a spider in a sink, slowly sliding down to the water and certain death, able only to flail at the glaring white in the vain hope my slippy feet will catch hold of some nook, some flaw in the ceramic, and I won't have to drown today.

My brother has moved back home on a more permanent basis, now that his ex has... gah. I'm not going to talk about her. She makes me so fucking mad at the moment. He's back, at any rate. Which means that there needs to be a bedroom reshuffle. I have the large room, my youngest brother has the rabbit cage. Now that Jack's back, I have to switch so that the boys can share. Currently trying to figure out how to fit a queen bed, three bookcases, a desk, chair, chest of drawers, two cabinets and a wardrobe into a room that measures 8ft by 10ft. The bed, on it's own, is 4x6.

I need the Doctor.

Not to mention I spent a fortune on green paint and decent shelving in order to get my room the way I want/need it, and Sam's painted his room a very sensible shade of brown. I hate brown.

Having to consider these things at the age of 23 is making me feel really immature and stupid. Talking about it with friends, I get funny looks. You know, those looks. The ones you used to get at school when you started talking about something that really wasn't cool, only you didn't realise and then all of a sudden nobody hangs out with you anymore because you're a dork. Not that that happened to me. *cough*

I always talk about things that aren't "cool", or "appropriate for public conversation". It's... me. I've never understood why people make such a fuss over certain subjects. It doesn't even enter into my mind that what I'm about to say might be considered taboo, because I don't see any need for it to be that way. Idiots.

I pinched a friend of mine's hat at the club last night, and was promptly photographed by the annoyingly ever-present Not Steve. It has come to my attention this morning that of the 124 photos in which I am tagged on Facebook, Not Steve has contributed 31. For those slow with numbers, that's exactly one quarter. Should I be frightened? Not when the results look like this:

9:38 AM - October 18, 2008 - comments {13} - post comment

Needless Drama

My brother's staying at my house at the moment, because his BITCHWHOREFUCKINGCUNTFACEDDICKSHIT girlfriend has left him. Apparently she just turned round one day and told him she didn't love him, and didn't want to be with him anymore.

Fair enough. It happens. It happened to me once, when I discovered my ex sleeping with half of Reading.

But what really wasn't needed, was what she has done over the last couple of days to make my brother's life miserable. She's led him on like a fucking whore, telling him she needs time to think, she needs space, she needs to be alone for a while. Hence him staying at my house (in my bed, might I add, meaning I'm staying at Tom's for the time being). Yesterday, I got an hysterical phone call from Jack, begging me to meet him. She's left him for good.

How did he find out?

She cut off his mobile phone. He tried to call her, to find out if his driver's license had been delivered, and his phone wouldn't work. So he called her from my landline, and she basically just said to him "I can't do this anymore, it's over".

The bills for both their phones have been coming out of her account for a couple of years now, but since the beginning of this week, she apparently can't afford both of them anymore and so has cut his off. No transferring it over to his account, no telling him she needed the money, just SNIP! Off with his tariff. Bitch. So my mum and I took him down to the Vodafone store (the network his phone tariff is through), and they told him that she's done something to the account so that his number, and therefore his entire contract, are only accessible by HER. If he wants it back, SHE has to transfer it over, via a credit check on Jack's account. He called her. She flatly refused, stating that he was "being funny with her". Like that's a reason?? If anyone's "being funny", it's that psycho little cuntface. And now he's had to open a brand new account with them, in order to use his phone.

Jack has also recently discovered that the house they were renting together on the coast has been officially switched so that it's only in HER name, as have any and all of the benefits they were receiving. That kinda thing can't be done in a day, so we have to conclude that she must've been planning this. What I want to know is how she thinks she can afford to pay for a cottage on the coast, on a 2-day-a-week job that ends with the holiday season in two weeks time.

Coincidentally, the day before she told Jack she didn't love him anymore, her ex-boyfriend left his girlfriend and got back in touch with her. He saw a message on her phone saying something along the lines of "Hope you slept well last night, I know I did. Miss you babe", from him.

I tell you what, next time I see her podgy little dog face I'm gonna give her one hell of a slap. NOBODY fucks with my brother the way she's doing right now.

6:36 PM - October 15, 2008 - comments {16} - post comment

When starting work at 7am, it is perfectly normal to...

...speak to the sandwich fillings. Both to admonish them for falling out of the sandwiches, and to praise them for staying put.

...forget how to use the English language, and repeat the word "come... come... come..." over and over again to a couple of old ladies trying to order pie and chips.

...fall about giggling when you see the box of sliced cucumbers in the fridge labelled up as "cum".

...name the utensils at hand (Larry the knife, Genevieve the spatula, Geoffery the tongs).

...see your brother's ex-girlfriend and call her a "fucking two-faced bitch" under your breath, only to discover that yes, she CAN hear you over the din of the drinks machine.

...forget you took your shoes off in the staffroom on your break, and make it all the way through the storerooms and halfway back up the stairs to the shop floor before realising you're in your socks.

Bring on Tuesday!

8:45 PM - October 13, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

It CAN be done!

Do any of you 'orrible lot play Guitar Hero 3?

Anyone at all?

A while ago, I set myself the challenge that, once I had completed the game on the Easy setting, I would go back and get 100% of the notes on every single song, before moving onto the Medium setting to do it all again. Not an easy task, I tell you.

It took a while, and I managed to get 100% on almost every track, including two bonuses:

10:44 AM - October 11, 2008 - comments {11} - post comment

On sexy dreams...

Last night, I had one of the raunchiest and most vivid dreams I can remember.

(Yes, including that Stargate one.)

I was at a library, and I was talking to a man. I want to mention here that I wasn't me. In dreams I am only very rarely Nicola. But this man. There was something about him that dream-me found immensely attractive. His voice turned me on, his feather-light accidental touch made me tingle all over. It was a passionate and intense feeling, a confusing sense of animal lust in a mind I don't recognise.

But this man... something happened to the library, after I left. A fire, or an accident. He was killed. I was distraught, and I tried to find him in the rubble, but I couldn't so I went to a party (as you do). There were several people there that dream-me recognised, but that the dreaming-me had no recollection of. One of them was another man. Tall, slender, long dark hair and facial piercings. Not dreaming-me's kinda guy (not since that one time a few years ago... *shudder*) at all, but I was someone else, someone who lusted after this man like there was no tomorrow.

We were watching movies, and for whatever reason I was knelt by the side of a low bed, on my knees with my elbows propped up on the mattress, in the same way a young girl might pray before bed for the health of her family and friends. I knelt there, and The Man was beside me, his hand running idly up and down the inside of my thigh, beneath whatever skirt or dress (and it was definitely one of those, no trousers for this girl) I was wearing. His explorations moved higher up my leg, his fingers stroking firmer against my skin, then gently touching the soft cloth of my underwear. I could feel myself blushing, and was sure everyone would be able to tell what he was doing, but they all seemed to be engrossed in the film as he deftly (and so quickly!) slipped his hand into my knickers, stroking and teasing me as I knelt over beside him. His lips found my shoulder, my back, as his index and middle finger softly, slowly began to slip inside me, inch by teasing inch, my lips pressed firmly together as I tried not to make a sound. It was madness, utter madness, that this man I barely knew would be doing this to me, in front of so many people, so boldly and so bloody well...

I woke up hot, sweating and panting, still able to feel his warm, strong fingers sliding slowly and firmly between my thighs, utterly confused as to who he was, who I was, and why this was happening.

I tell you, there are worse ways to wake up on a cold Tuesday morning.

9:14 PM - October 7, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Party Pics! WARNING: IMAGE HEAVY POST

So, the moment of truth... as promised, here are some of the photos from my Superhero Birthday Bonanza! I will apologise for the state of myself in these shots, I didn't realise I was -quite- so immense around the waist, and the illness made me look more than a little retarded. Le sigh.

Batgirl, Joker and Harley enjoy a cosy moment.


Batman!


Robin, looking gay as ever.


Blunt Man and Chronic.


The Punisher gets ready to, er, punish.


V looks pleased with himself. Then again, he always does...


That little known hero - Cock Boy!


Two-Face enjoys a nice beer.


Tank Girl getting happy.


Poison Ivy cosy's up to Lady Zorro.


Chun Li


Captain Numpty FTW!


The second Ivy


Bananaman joins the fun!


Birthday girl and boy, Harley Quinn and Mr. Incredible


Cheetara


Guitar Hero...


V reveals the secret to that perma-smile...


Proof that you can't have more than one Joker in the same room!


The third Joker

10:43 PM - October 5, 2008 - comments {19} - post comment

Party Time, and Getting Down with the Sickness.

Last night was my epic Superhero/villain birthday bash, and I have to say it was one of the best nights ever. So many people came in costume, and thankfully there were more than a few people who recognised who I was supposed to be. I did panic for a bit, because although my outfit was in the right colours and patterns, Harley Quinn is such an obscure character I did wonder if I would get recognised at all.

We had a buffet, party games, drinks galore... and yet I had to go home early because for the past three weeks I've been nursing a cough that has finally turned into a full-blown cold and sore throat, and I felt like absolute shit last night. I even sat down and had a little cry around 1am because I just felt so rubbish and couldn't enjoy myself properly. Add on the fact that for some bizarre reason no amount of alcohol could take away the nagging sense of sobriety, and you have a rather dejected little Twisty-Harley, sitting on a stool with her hair in ribbons and crying into a bottle of Spitfire. Nevermind.

Oh, and my camera broke before we went out, so I've had to rely on about four different people to take decent photos and send them to me. So when I get those, I will post them up for all to see.

The best thing about being sober last night though, was being able to remember all the characters that made it out:

Batman and Robin (Adam West and Burt Ward version)
Joker (comic version)
Joker (Dark Knight version) (x2)
Poison Ivy (x2)
Two-Face
Batgirl
Catwoman
Lady Riddler
Harley Quinn (obviously!)
V (from V for Vendetta)
Lady Zorro
Mr Incredible
Mr Furious
The Punisher (x2)
Captain Caveman
Cheetara
Scooby Doo

and several homemade characters, including The Vixen and Emo Angel.

Photos soon... promise. For now, I'm going back to bed because I feel like absolute shit.

10:05 AM - October 4, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!

I've had like, NO time at all to blog since I started my new job, especially with all the birthday plans and the costume planning, so I'm sorry if I've missed anything important. I have 40 blog alerts to catch up on, which I'll try and do by next week, but for now the most important thing I have to say is this:

7:10 AM - October 1, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

It came!

That'd be the cutey little skirt I ordered t'other day and blogged about it my last post.

Talk about your speedy deliveries!

It's perfect... just what I wanted, and affordable to at only £17, INCLUDING postage! Only one problem...


...it's only 13inches long, including the waistband. Do your maths, people. That's right, it's just a tiny bit longer than a foot. Now, factor in the curve of my arse... yeah, it barely covers.


*invests in hotpants, to preserve her modesty*

7:59 PM - September 26, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Costume Update!

I rue the day I ever decided to go to my own fancy-dress party as Harley Quinn. The girl is impossible to recreate. In the three months it took me to get a new job, my waist, hips, and thighs have widened a considerable amount, and it is no longer even remotely possible that I can squeeze into the skin-tight lycra bodysuit that is Harley's official costume.

As Dante said to me the other day: Bugrit, millenium palm and king crab.

So I'm relying on my somewhat rusty skills as a seamstress (Pratchett readers, take your minds from the gutter, thank you very much), and the wondrous awesomeness that is eBay to fix myself a contemporary Harley Quinn outfit.

Last night, eBay came up trumps! I don't know if I mentioned the tutu-type skirt I had my eye on, but it looks a little something like this:

9:37 PM - September 25, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

It's all going so fast!

I can't believe it's already the end of September. Seems like yesterday was my brother's 18th birthday, and that was the beginning of June. Where has it all gone?

I got back from Holland on Sunday - it was good, thanks for asking. Money was a little tight, so we didn't get to do half of what we wanted to, but we made it to Amsterdam for the day and sampled some of the local treats (not THOSE treats, you dirty little scumbags), and then had a lovely 2 hour walk back from the train station to the campsite, all slightly blurred by a rather pleasant coffee-and-weed induced buzz.

I was supposed to start my new job in the Reading cafe on Monday, but the area director had other plans. He called me less than an hour after I got back from Holland, asking if I could go back to the branch I did my training at to help them out for this week because they're short staffed. So now the other Reading employees will have had TWO whole weeks getting aquainted with the new shop, and I will be at even more of a disadvantage when I finally start work there on Saturday. Which on its own sucks major bumhole... it's been 5 years since I worked a Saturday. Blech. Apparently the Reading staff are all miserable gits as well, according to the Newbury girls (who I've been training) with, as they went to visit the new place last weekend.

It's my birthday next Wednesday! I'm so excited, and you'll probably get regular updates now on how many more days, hours, minutes there are until I turn 23. Even more exciting is the imminent arrival of one kickass parcel from over th'ocean: Mister Dante has sent me a gift of joy, and to say I'm wriggling in anticipation is a bit of an understatement. Also, apparently I'm due to receive a package (hurr hurr) from Australia from my friend Timmy, who has neglected to write back to any of my letters for the last 5 years... he says this'll make up for the lack of paper goodies from him - whee!

So what are you guys gonna get me? *angelic grin* I like fantasy/horror novels, rubber duckies, things with stars and skulls on, and the colours red, green, purple and black. Ecards are also welcome. :P

My Superhero/villain party is next Friday! Wheeeeeee! I wish all you guys could come! For those I have added on Facebook, the photos will arrive there at some point over next weekend, I should expect, and I'll post the choicest and most juicy snaps right here for those who refuse to be sucked in to the vortex that is Facebook. Well done you. If I remember to give my camera to someone else, there should be snaps of me in my Harley outfit, which I still haven't finished yet.

*gets frantically buying and stitching*

8:42 PM - September 23, 2008 - comments {22} - post comment

Seasonal Annoyances

I had a whole post written out the other day, about how I get annoyed when people don't seem to know the dates for seasonal change.

I ranted and I raved about the idiocy of such people, and the ignorance.

I wanted to prove myself right, so I went to the fount of all knowledge, Wikipedia, to confirm the dates I'd been told since I even knew what months and days were.

Apparently, there are two different main 'calendars' by which the turning of the seasons can be followed: Meteorological, and Astronomical. According to what Wiki has to say on the matter, the UK usually (but not exclusively) follow the meteorological calendar, but I've always been led to believe that the astronomical calendar is the more correct. In fact, I didn't even know there WAS a meteorological calendar until I searched the topic earlier this week.

The meteoro- y'know what, I'ma just call them the M-calendar and the A-calendar, for simplicity...

*ahem*

The M-calendar goes a little something like this...
In the Northern Hemisphere:
Spring begins on March 1
Summer begins on June 1
Autumn begins on September 1
Winter begins on December 1.

In the Southern hemisphere:
Spring begins on September 1
Summer begins on December 1
Autumn begins on March 1
Winter begins on June 1.

The A-calendar (the one I follow) reads this way...
In the Northern Hemisphere:
Winter (89 days) begins on 21 December, the winter solstice
Spring (92 days) begins on 20 March, the vernal equinox
Summer (93 days) begins on 20 June, the summer solstice
Autumn (90 days) begins on 22 September, the autumnal equinox.

In the Southern Hemisphere:
Well, that's where it seems to get complicated. Wiki says the following:
"Because of the differences in the Northern and Southern Hemispheres, it is no longer considered appropriate to use the northern-seasonal designations for the astronomical quarter days. The modern convention for them is: March Equinox; June Solstice; September Equinox; and December Solstice."

And then, after all that, there're still the 'Traditional' seasons, where the solstice and equinox days in the above A-calendar are the seasonal mid-points, instead of the starting points:
Note: Northern Hemisphere only.
Winter begins between 5 November and 10 November (Samhain)
*mid-winter between 20 December and 23 December*
Spring begins between 2 February and 7 February (Imbolc)
*mid-spring between 19 March and 22 March*
Summer begins between 4 May and 10 May (Beltane)
*mid-summer between 19 June and 23 June*
Autumn begins between 3 August and 10 August (Lughnasadh)
*mid-autumn between 21 September and 24 September*


....no wonder we all get so bloody confused!!

8:13 AM - September 5, 2008 - comments {1} - post comment

Irony Signery

Tom and I were in Asda last night, or Walmart for our American chums, when we both fell about in fits of giggles at a fantastic display of irony, slightly frightening the poor check-out girl, who looked like she just wanted to scan our items and go home.

There we were, stood in the queue, when we heard an astonished cry from a woman three checkouts or so to our right. An advertisement placard had come loose from it's hanging cable, narrowly missing her head by mere inches. A placard... for life insurance.

I don't think I've ever seen such a perfect display of irony in my entire life, ever.

7:38 PM - September 4, 2008 - comments {3} - post comment

Do you love it?

The delicious and delightful miss Pixie has very kindly toiled away in her dark little design dungeon and come up with this lovely theme for my blog.

Everybody say "Thank you Pixie!"...

Seriously though, I love it. I wanted something Joker-esque, and she delivered. The colour scheme was all her doing, but I will claim the banner. I founded the pictures, cobbled them together and put them int the code. I'm still not sure on whether I might put a background on it, but other than that, don't you think it's bootiful??

*squishes teh Pixeh in a big hug* Fankoo!

11:27 AM - September 2, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

The Oddity That Is Music

Music.
An age-old entertainment, dating back farther than most people could even conceive.
Have you ever noticed just how important music is to us?

When you meet someone for the first time, it is almost guaranteed that one of, if not THE first conversation you have with that person will revolve around music. What you like, what they like, similarities, differences... I've never once met anyone who had absolutely no opinion on music whatsoever.

It made me think about what it would be like to be deaf. To never know how beautiful music could be, how diverse and strange. But then I remembered. Deaf people can feel the bassline, right? So technically they can listen to music. Even the hearing impaired can listen.

I can't imagine a world without music, a world without those sounds and melodies we take for granted every single day. I'm willing to bet even the most primitive races of people on this planet, the most hidden away and closed-off societies of indigenous peoples, have some form of music in their culture.

It's something to think about. How often do you hear music in your day-to-day life? I worked it out for me today. My alarm clocked is fixed to wake me up with the sound of the local radio station, which nine times out of ten is playing one song or another when I get up. I'll have the telly on during breakfast - listening to the jingles on the adverts, the short bursts of music between stories. If I'm working, I'll have my MP3 player on, on the way to the station, and the cafe I work in has music playing all day in the background of the customers' seating area. If I'm not working, I'll have iTunes open on my PC, or I'll be browsing videos on YouTube, or listening to friends' recommendations. When my phone rings, I hear Beethoven's Pour Elise. Michael Buble serenades me when someone calls my mum, and Hendrix rocks out in my living room when they call my Dad. There's no escaping it. Music is EVERYWHERE.

9:34 PM - September 1, 2008 - comments {1} - post comment

Annoyances and Amusements.

I miss Disney movies. Good, wholesome films, drawn and animated mostly by the hands of talented artists, with morals and catchy classic songs and politically incorrect soft-edged characters.

I don't like that all kids films nowadays need to contain "adult" humour, or have "sexy" characters, or a "pumping" soundtrack. Kids movies are for kids. End of.

Haha... end. Today I've been sniggering at the unintended innuendo (in YOUR end-oh) in people's words, and shop windows. I also sniggered for a good while in HMV when I saw they sold badges that say "I *heart* Your Mum".

I think it's stupid that the word "snigger" is filtered on some websites, because it contains the word "nigger". It's a completely different word! Also, on the penpal site I use, you can't say "screw" in comments, because it gets filtered. But you can say "screws". Wtf?

Abbreviations annoy me. They especially annoy me when people speak them. Like ASAP, and LOL, and IMHO. Someone actually used IMHO as a word in conversation with me on Tuesday. I nearly hit them around the face with a ham-and-cheese panini.

Paninis are rank. Why do people love them so much? Give me a regular toastie anyday. But I have to try and upsell to a panini at work because paninis cost more on the menu, therefore the shop makes more money. I like doing the jacket potatoes, even though my fingers get burned whenever I have to move them from the oven thing to the plate thing. Tongs? Sure, I use tongs. But have you ever tried holding a slippy jacket spud down with tongs while you put butter on it? No. Didn't think so.

5:42 PM - August 29, 2008 - comments {17} - post comment

I has package! *hurr hurr*

I got home today from a long, hard slog at the cafe to find a perky little parcel waiting for me on the dining table.

"Oooh... what it is?" says the little voice in my brain.

"I doesn't know.. let's open it up!" says the other little voice on the other side of my brain.

*flip of the parcel* "OOOOOOH! It's from SLAYAAAAAAH!" scream the two little voices, in unison.

It was indeed from Slayer, Queen of Texas.
(Sorry Birdeh, you can't be the Queen because you don't send me perky parcels)

I still haven't managed to link this phone to my PC (blame Tom, he hasn't shown me how it all works yet), so I'll just have to give descriptions for now. Luckily the ever-thoughtful Slayer included a little note with my gifties, to let me know what they're each for!

5:22 PM - August 28, 2008 - comments {11} - post comment

Epic Failure

I never thought it'd be so difficult to work in a cafe. So much to do, so much to remember, and smiling smiling smiling all the freakin' time. I don't think I'm cut out to do this job, and I don't think I want to try. It's not quitting, it's knowing when you're not suited to a situation. I wasn't suited to a different situation almost six years ago, but I let myself get pulled in and I got hurt. I got burned, and mentally beaten. And here I am, on the threshold of Inappropriate Situation #2, about to dive head-first into the pool when I don't want to swim. I could walk away, sure. I should walk away. But I can't. Too many people are relying on me to do this, and I can't go another week at home, alone, with nothing to do and no-one to talk to. Some days I don't utter a spoken word for hours.

The pay is bad, the holiday allowance is bad, there's no holiday at all for four weeks before and two weeks after Christmas, I'll have to work weekends, and possibly early mornings too, and the work is in shifts based on how busy they are at any given time. Apparently the boss is going to "try and make sure" that I can have "at least 30 hours a week". Ok, so 30 hours a week on only 40pence an hour more than my last job, with two extra days to work, equals... yep. Epic failure.

1:40 PM - August 27, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

And they said Farscape was dead...

I was chopping the carrots for dinner and listening to the news on Planet Rock Radio, when I heard an announcement that tickled me:

"...an American warship has arrived on the shores of Georgia, bearing aid. So far, the Russian military has refused to remove its troops from South Ossetia, claiming that their soldiers are 'just peacekeepers'..."

Uh oh.

4:29 PM - August 24, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

More new shoes? Oh, go on then...

So I've figured out most of my alternative Harley Quinn outfit, ready for my superhero-themed birthday bash... I've ran it past the two biggest Batman nerds I know, as well as Dante, and it seems to pass with flying colours. There's a lot of red, and a lot of black, and a lot of leg going on, and I really really hope it's going to work when I get all the bits together and start creating.

Of course, if I can pull off the official Harley jumpsuit (which of course all balances on whether the one and only costume shop in Reading actually stock an official Harley jumpsuit) without looking immensly fat, then I will. And if I do, I'll go with some kick-ass New Rock boots, but if I do go with my idea, I'll need some suitable girly and Harley-esque footwear. What do y'all think of these gorgeous specimens?

5:17 PM - August 22, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Bring on the work!

The beginning of my employment cannot come too soon, it seems. In the last couple of weeks I've been co-erced into watching a few episodes of Hannah Montana, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover Miley Cyrus does NOT have a high, bubblegum-screechy-pop voice. But then, she IS Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter...

7:10 PM - August 20, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Why I love random people.

Oh, first off I'd just like to thank everyone who offered to help me change my design. That'd be... oh, NONE OF YOU. *mutter mutter*



I joined a penpals website a while ago, because I've missed writing letters to people since my penpal of 10 years stopped replying to me after we met up and didn't get along. Since I've joined I've gained two new penpals, Jenny and Natey, and I've spoken online to another half a dozen or more really interesting people.

I've also had several marriage proposals, mail from spambots, and a few downright weird messages from foreign users who's grasp of English is less than good. I really want to share these messages with you, just for the sheer giggly joy they've brought me:

This one's from a guy from Algeria:

"hi how do you do ??
you are very sweet, and your eyes like honey...."

"Thank you, but I think you need to throw your honey away. My eyes are blue, and I've never once in my life seen blue honey!"

"oky ..: (
I'm sorry that I said something I did not admire you..
I liked your photos only....


Do you want to pause ’’’?

I am talking honestly, I am talking honestly"

"hi.Your face very beautifull.E​​­­­speciall​y​ sweet and sugar. I used to * to want meet with you.If you accept.I am waiting for your answer.Sympa​​­­­thetic girl......ı eat your eyes"

12:14 PM - August 18, 2008 - comments {26} - post comment

Ok, bored now.

I want a new theme for this page, but I can't remember any of the thingies I edited to get it to look like it does.

Boo.

Anyone able to help? And no Pixeh, it's no use you telling me "You've done it before, I know you can do it again" !! :P

*wants Joker-themed blog*

8:55 PM - August 15, 2008 - comments {15} - post comment

I has job!

I went to the interview, was a little nervous, admitted to having no experience, chatted away with the beautifully blue-eyed interview man, and BLAM! He offered me the job on the spot.

As of the middle-ish of September, I shall be working in a new cafe/restaurant in town, full time, some weekends. It's slightly more money than I was on before, and the people (ok, the interview man) seemed lovely.

Once I got out of the interview, and excitedly called several people (including an apparently scantily-clad Bebbet, fresh out of the shower) to tell them the news, I remembered something with a huge crash. When this place opens, and when they expect me to start working, I will be in Holland with Tom and his parents. I forgot to mention it, and I also forgot to ask about holidays in general. Bastards.

I'm also wondering now if I should've accepted the job straight away. I've put in some applications elsewhere, one of which is for a job I would LOVE, which pays considerably more than this one will.

Curses.

11:47 AM - August 14, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Life Is Good. [EDITED]

Do you ever have a day where everything goes right? Where, from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed, nothing bad or embarassing or wrong happens?

Today is such a day. Ok, I had a few weird/bad dreams this morning involving vagrants, scaffolding, and an immense amount of chocolate limes, but they were gone within two minutes of waking up.

So, what has happened today that makes this day, Wednesday 13th of August so awesome? Let me show you, in bullet form:

+ I completed several games of Sudoku on my DS Lite, as a little brain-stretch before getting out of bed.

+ I discovered clean, matching underwear in my drawer.

+ My hair fell just right. All you girlies out there, you'll know what I'm on about.

+ My umbrella only turned inside out ONCE in the wind and rain.

+ I got two application forms today, one of which is for a job which needs people to start immediately.

+ I posted a package (hurr hurr) to Australia, correctly choosing the size of the envelope and not having to smoosh the goodies into a too-small pack.

+ I ate delicious soup and crusty bread in a cafe, and got a seat next to the air-conditioner. WIN!

+ I found out what I need to do in order to save all my contacts and messages from my phone before sending it off to be repaired (the screen's become disconnected from the rest, meaning it stays black 99% of the time).

+ I got a letter from a penpal today, containing two photographs of giant rubber duckies!

+ I had a phone call from a company I dropped off a CV to a week or so ago, asking me to come for an interview tomorrow at 10am! The guy seemed really friendly, and he said he was stunned that someone as lively and bubbly as myself hadn't been able to find work in the last 3 months. Things look positive. It would appear that it doesn't even matter that I have little-to-no experience in the field I applied for.

2:17 PM - August 13, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

Life Begins...

In a bit of a contrast to my last creative outburst, this is Life Begins. The theme came from a casual comment to a friend who is a deliciously good digital artist. He called me mature, and I flippantly said "I feel like a foetus with the back of it's head blown off, floating through space". He told me it was a potent image, and that I should make it. It sounds a little grotesque, but thankfully the final result wasn't. It came out a lot more positive than I originally thought.

Many thanks go to Timmy for being patient enough to help when I needed certain tools in photoshop explaining to me, and for inspiring me to do this:



The picture is pieced together from 4 separate online images, blended, colour-matched, and scaled. And probably a few other things, but I am of the school of "let's click all the buttons until something cool happens", which is also the only way I'm kicking ass in Soul Calibur 4 at the moment. ^_^

Hope you like it!

3:44 PM - August 8, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

A little story, inspired by Pixeh's new blog.

I've been reading Pixeh's new blog, and have been mightily inspired by her delicious writing skillz. This be something that fell off the top of my head. I hope it flows alright.. I'm kinda refusing to edit it this first time around, aside from spelling mistakes, because I know I'll scrap it all if I do. So it's down to you guys to let me know what's what with this. Bebs and Pixeh, I'm looking mostly at you.

A rapid, incessant knocking wakes me from vivid dreams about mutated superheroes and untold evil kept in a jar, and drags me thrashing and swearing into the land of the waking. Moonlight streams in through the curtains - I'd left them open. Again. My throat makes some groan of protest at the weak light's intrusion and I stumble out of bed, dragging the sheets with me to cover my nakedness. I answer the door a little too quickly, and have to step back to avoid being hammered in the face by Doria's still-knocking fist. I trip in the twisted bedclothes and go down, hard, the edge of my desk doing what Doria's knuckles managed to avoid. I am not amused. I bet it's not even urgent.

"Shit, Hels, haven't you ever heard of pajamas??" Doria covers her eyes with her hands and I realise that the sheets have made the unanimous decision to no longer conceal my nudity. A long scratch follows the curve of my breast and I poke at it in wonder. Last night is a little blurry. Everything goes dark as my beloved sister throws a dressing-gown at my head, and I struggle into it, grimacing as I notice the sickly yellow flowers now covering my modesty. Whenever she finds me like this, she always grabs -her- gown, never mine. It's right there, on the door, but she -always- goes back to her room and throws this sunny monstrosity at me. I sweep a hand through my thick, auburn hair and wince as my fingers encounter the myriad knots of a good night out, followed by disturbed sleep. Evil in a jar indeed.

"..brush your teeth or something, your breath is atrocious." She's talking at me, and a sudden burning sensation in my fingers draws my attention to the cup of tea Doria has thrust into my open hand. I sip tentatively at the dark brew and immediately burn my tongue. Great. Now I will taste -nothing- all night. A secret smile lifts the corner of my mouth as a sudden memory surfaces from last night. I may not taste anything tonight, but I'll carry the taste of -him- with me all week... Doria sees me smiling and shakes her head, her dyed-blonde hair folding about her face in artificially straight waves. She looks so tragic, so gaunt, so... typical.
"Tell me sis, tell me you didn't take another one last night." I smile and shrug, sipping the hot, sweet tea. "For fuck's sake Helena, are you INSANE? If Resk catches you taking his stewards he is going to go fucking SPARE. It's bad enough with the Monteliers sniffing around, without you thinning the ranks on a damned whim!"
I shake my head and laugh. "Dor, Resk is not going to catch me. I don't take them take them, I just... have a little taste. It's not against the rules. Besides, the stewards at Montelier are all weak and sickly... Look, at the very worst the guys'll be a little groggy, and Resk will just put it down to too much mead."

"Resk will put what down to too much mead?" the low, growling voice of my brother whispers from right behind me. It downright freaks me out when he does that. I shiver involuntarily and fix an innocent smile on my lips, turning to face him. He stares, a cold, icy stare, and the usual battle of wills breaks out. This time I look away first; at the near-empty mug in my hands, at the disgusting yellow flowers on Doria's 'gown, at Doria herself, her hands wringing with nerves. She's scared of Resk. Anyone with half a brain is scared of him, but it's worse if he can see it. He sweeps me aside with one leather clad arm, crossing the room to where Doria stands, shaking by the doorway. He reaches a scarred hand to her face, taking her chin firmly in his fingers and tilting it upwards, forcing her to look into his mad blue eyes. I swear under my breath. All he needs is to prod in the right direction and Doria will spill my guts.
"I won't ask again, dear sister..." He murmurs. I can see Doria's knuckles going white as she fights to control her fear. She never could stand up to Resk like I did. I watch this silent, still struggle for a few minutes, knowing that it's only a matter of time. Doria's cheeks start to blush, ever so faintly, and I know now that she will tell him how I sometimes go down to the stewards' lodgings at dusk, how I drink and cavort with those lean, young men, how I occasionally take a little sip of their strong, pounding vitality...

The door slams open, bringing with it the cold night's air and Leron, Resk's head steward. The old man stands shivering on the kitchen tiles, tears streaming down his wrinkled face, his hands stained bright with blood. He half-sits, half-falls into a chair, drawing Resk's attention away from poor frightened Doria. I go to her, taking her cold hand in mine and whispering words of thanks and apologies in her ear. So busy am I in calming my poor sister that I barely hear Leron's garbled words, "..in the day... ten of them... my poor Brinn!" That name shocks me into paying more attention. Brinn was the name of the golden-skinned youth I'd tasted just yesterday. I lick my lips, remembering again the delicious taste of his skin against my tongue... A flash of rage grew inside me as Leron's tearful tale continued. Monteliers! On our land! Taking OUR stewards! Stealing my golden boy... I could feel my long, pointed canines extend into my mouth as the blood-rage descended. This time, they had gone -too- far.

10:47 AM - August 7, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Why you will NOT be calling me Nurse Twisty.

I got to the dental surgery 5 minutes early, at 6:30pm, like a good little applicant, and walked in to find a waiting room full of silent women. I was a little bemused, it being after surgery hours and all, and because there was no-one at the reception desk I just sat down.

6:40. I discover that all these women are there for interviews for the same job. Ah.

6:50. I discover that the lady sat next to me (and I use that term in the broadest way imaginable) has been here since 5:30.

It gets to 7pm. None of these women seem to be worried that there was no-one to greet any of us, no-one to tell us to fill in the forms left not-very-helpfully on the reception desk, and no-one offering us a glass of water, making sure we're all ok.

7:05. I thought MY phone call to the surgery was a little strange. I discover that every applicant was asked only their name, age, and depending on the answer to question 2, whether they had experience as a dental nurse.

7:15. One of the younger applicants comes out from the interview, and as the first to actually speak to the rest of us before leaving, tells us that the money isn't much, and the only question the interviewers are asking is "Why do you think you should have this job?". I am not amused.

7:20. Another lady is dismissed from the interview room, and feels gracious enough to tell us that not only have they been interviewing in this same manner for the last week, they're going to carry on doing it for another TWO weeks.

7:21. Twisty leaves the dental surgery, without having been seen for an interview. I don't want to work for someone who treats interviewees in that way. The 'lady' next to me insists that she, too, will leave before being seen. That's right kids, she's still there! I waited in the car park to see if she would, but she stayed put. Wuss.


All of this was slightly tempered (ok, a LOT tempered) by the fact that Soul Calibur 4 arrived today! *squee!*

8:51 PM - August 5, 2008 - comments {13} - post comment

More Breakfasty News, and why you may soon be able to call me Nurse Twisty

First, it was the eggs.
Then the full English breakfast.
I didn't mention it at the time (I don't think), but a couple of days later that was followed by a half-eaten McDonald's chicken burger (the box was nearby).

Last night, on the way home from the new club we'd gone to check out (the floor panels light up in time to the music!!!), there was a drive-by. A dark blue car sped down the road, and we heard a great CRACK! as they took a shot at us. In our inebriated states, we just kinda looked around all bemused as the car shot off down the road, and then our eyes were drawn to the pavement but two feet in front of us.

Closer inspection revealed the ammo used by the attackers.

They'd thrown an egg at us.

We're fairly sure now who the Breakfast Fairy is, and we have told the person responsible for her nutcase behaviour to let her know that he actually doesn't live in that house anymore, and that the current housemates are going to call the police on her if she does anything again.

Apparently, this did not deter her.

I'd liked to lock her in the stocks and pelt her with rotten tomatoes, not because she has disturbed my sleep with her antics more than once, and not because she very nearly egg'd me. No, it's because none of Tom's other housemates were willing to clean up the mess she left on the doorstep, and that pissed him off, which in turn pissed me off.

1:24 PM - August 5, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Crazy? No I'm not. I'm. NOT.

Walking through HMV today, minding my own business, when I was stopped dead in my tracks. Stopped. Dead.

By what? You might ask...

By this:

7:17 PM - July 30, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

We hunt him... because he can take it.

So I saw The Dark Knight today.

Good film. Fantastic special effects, awesome fight scenes, and Heath Ledger blew me away in the most tragically insane way possible.

But first... the bad parts.

1.Christian Bale's unreasonably growly Batman voice annoyed me a little. Not sure why, but there you have it.

2. So much text to read on screen... this one's my fault, I didn't think to bring my glasses to see a movie, when I usually only need them for reading.

3. It -was- a little long, but this point negates itself in that there was enough storyline to warrant the time.

Huh. I'm actually surprised that I only had three bad points.

I loved the opening scene, and the calm-but-chaotic way it was carried out. The entire film reeks of chaos, and I am nothing if not a fan of the chaotic side of things. I loved the closing scene, and the perfect portrayal of the bitter tragedy that is the Batman. I liked how more people were involved, how you really felt Batman was the protector of a city, and not just a few innocents.

All in all, a well told story, with well built and meaningful characters. Not the "Wow! Awesome! Amazing!" factor I got from Iron Man, but more along the lines of the slow, all pervasive buzz of "Coooooooool" I got from 300. And we all know how much I liked THAT movie.

I mentioned to Bebbet on MSN a while ago, before any of the posters or the trailers had been released, that I've always had a bit of a crush on the Joker, and I have to admit that Heath Ledger did NOT disappoint. Oh, don't look at me like that. Yes, even with the lank, greasy, green tinged hair. Yes, even with the scars, and the make-up. And yes, even in the nurse's outfit. It's the madness. The sheer and utter crazy fucked-up-ness that I find so gods-be-damned alluring.

*has very naughty Joker-themed thoughts*

So yeah. Anywho. Good film. Would recommend. Laughed, almost cried, jumped, and squirmed. Spot on job, Mr Nolan.

9:04 PM - July 27, 2008 - comments {34} - post comment

New Games!

I happened to mention to Tom that I'd spotted a rather big, juicy sale going on in HMV this week, and so what with him having been paid on Friday he wanted to go check it out yesterday afternoon.

We managed to get us some utter bargainous gaming joy:

A cold-blooded mafia hitman becomes even more deadly when a terrifying inheritance is forced upon him on the eve of his 21st birthday. Possessed by The Darkness, Jackie Estacado discovers he wields a terrible power which can destroy his enemies without mercy, but this exhilarating force comes at a price - The Darkness has a malevolent agenda all of its own...


2013A.D. Humanity hangs on the verge of extinction. An army of evil, twisted monsters walk the Earth. Just as the few survivors are accepting the end of civilisation, a beautiful woman appears before them, dressed in black, with the magic powers of a witch and a hefty staff-like weapon, the gun-rod. Her name... Alicia.

Basically this one's a bit like Burnout, from what I can gather, except you have to destroy items on the track as you race other drivers. Looks awesome.

Take destruction to a new level of bone breaking carnage. A huge number of race styles to suit every mood.


Become the ultimate ninja assassin! Master the art of stealth. Immerse yourself in ancient Japan as you take on more than 50 different missions - from espionage to assassination to hostage rescue - for both single and co-op play, offering a new level of ninja gameplay available only on Xbox 360.

Before any of you say a word... this game was Tom's choice, not mine.

[i]Don't beat 'em, join 'em! Here's your ticket to visit the incredible Pinata Island! Meet the wild-roaming, living Pinata who are looking for somewhere to call home. Attract, tame and nurture your favourite Pinata in a vibrant, constantly evolving world filled with over 60 Pinata species - each with a mind of its own!

11:13 AM - July 27, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Unashamedly a 90's child.

So I made some comment or other on one of Bebs' posts about being a child of the nineties, and how I would have to post a few songs from the compilation I made for mine and Tom's weekend away road trip thing with my brother earlier this year...

...yeah, this is THAT post.

I can't get enough of dodgy nineties music. Not the slightly crap, but ultimately classic stuff. Not the dodgy, acid-induced dance stuff. No. I like me some seriously cheesy, seriously rubbish pop music. Not because it's got some secret awesomeness, but because it really is utter shit. I love it.

12:17 PM - July 25, 2008 - comments {47} - post comment

Quizzare. Get it? It's a Quiz, that's a bit Bizarre... *grin*

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
--James Blunt. But make sure the explosion occurs from the throat, I don't want to hear what kind of wailing screech he'd make otherwise.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
--Bono. The twat.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
--Oh I couldn't possibly just pick one person.

4. What is your favorite cheese?
--Crackerbarrel... *drool*

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
--Thick, soft white bread, a little bit of slightly salted butter, and lashings of Marmite. Heaven in a lunchbox.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
--Assuming I was single, and Tom wouldn't give a rat's arse, Richard Dean Anderson. I don't care if he's old! I just -don't- care!!

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
--Again, assuming the above conditions, Rob Flynn.

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Wow, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
--Probably on boots...

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
--Australia

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
--Home-made Lemonade.

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
--To Roswell, New Mexico, on the 7th of July, 1947. I wanna see what came down that night.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
--Honesty is Law.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called?
--Meet Your Maker, in which convicted paedophiles, serial rapists and murderers answer questions in order to prolong their lives. Any incorrect answers will cause a noose to tighten around their neck, until they're strangled to death.

15. What is your favorite curse word?
--Kurva. It's Hungarian for 'whore'.

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, what do you do?
--It's the middle of the night, right? If the mummies aren't doing anything then I'm going back to sleep. If they're still doing nothing in the morning, then I'll start arranging them in amusing positions and take photos.

17. Your house is on fire! What do you do ?
--Grab the Great Big Fire Extinguisher of DOOOOOM! and start putting the fire out. Duh.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that hour?
--Play him/her/it at board games in order to win my continued life, a la Bill and Ted.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
--Teleportation.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
--A particular half hour or so in the summer of 2002.

21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
--An event that occurred at a party sometime in 2003/04. Actually, two separate events at two separate parties.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out… you can move to anywhere else in the world. Where do you go?
--I'll use mah Teleportation skillz to zap off to Australia.

23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
--It's a bit sad, but Face Bar.

24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we’ll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first?
--I don't know if I'd fly to anyone's house, but I would fly to the top of the tallest building in town and sit there for a bit.

25. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
--Are we talking back to life? Like, properly? Or is this going to be a zombie situation? If it's life, then I'll pick Kennedy. Zombie, then it'd have to be Eric Morecambe. He'd make an awesome zombie.

26. You can bring back one person who's dead…who would you bring back?
--Isn't this the same as the last question?

9:38 AM - July 23, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

Calling all Xbox Live users...

You lot probably already knew this, but I discovered today that you can put your Gamercard onto your blog! So I did! Whether or not this is a good idea is yet to be proven, but I like it there for now.

I have a one-month free trial on Gold membership until I get relegated back to Silver, and I don't really know what to do with it... anyone want to give me a few pointers? Feel free to add me as a contact on Live, too, because I sure as hell don't know how to do it. Mah name is Twysteh. Shush. It's the only spelling that was close enough to the name I wanted and wasn't already taken.

If you -don't- know how to add your Gamercard, and you want to, just copy the following code into your blog design's html anywhere after it says "BEGIN RIGHT SIDE" or "BEGIN LEFT SIDE", depending on which side your column is:

<.h2>GamerCard.<./h2.>
<.GamerCard.><.iframe src="http://gamercard.xbox.com/YOUR GAMERTAG HERE.card" scrolling="no" frameBorder="0" height="140" width="204".>Put your gamertag here too.<./iframe.><./GamerCard".>

All you have to do to make it work is remove the fullstops I've marked in red (it was the only way I could get the text to show on the page), and replace the "YOUR GAMERTAG HERE" text with, well, your Gamertag.

4:14 PM - July 21, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

Geekery for me!

When Sarai posted the photos of her geeky jewellery a few weeks (months?) ago, I knew I had to have some. So I very kindly pleaded with her, and the day before EFX went down the other week, a sparkly package arrived on my doormat! Oh ok, so it wasn't sparkly, it was brown. But it was a package of joy, for when I openeded it up, lookit what I found!

A choker and bracelet set made of orangey-bluey goodness. No, I don't know what the bits are... ask Sarai!


A very cute bracelet of black chains with blue and black danglies...


And this, my absolute favourite. A silver chain with a skull-mounted heart, and more blue and black danglies. I wear this ALL the time. I'm wearing it now, actually!


A close up of the charm on the above necklace.

Ducky stickers!!!!

11:14 AM - July 21, 2008 - comments {26} - post comment

New Song Fixation

I just want to make one thing clear before I post this video...

I DO NOT LIKE THIS SONG.

I really don't, and yet for some reason I can't get the catchy chorus out of my brain... and it makes me dance. I think maybe some kind of subliminal messaging may be involved, because usually I don't dance about like a tool in HMV on a Sunday afternoon...

Anywho. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you... The Ting Tings.

10:08 AM - July 20, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

Who Pissed Off The Breakfast Fairy?

Yesterday, at around 5am, Tom and I were woken by a thud against the front door. We sat in bed for a moment, dazed and waiting for the knock to come again. We assumed it was the guy from upstairs' crazy ex-girlfriend, who came a-knockin' at 6am a few weeks earlier. No following noise was to be heard, though, so Tom bravely donned his dressing gown and went to the door. What did he see, upon opening said door?

Eggs. Four or five smashed eggs on the doorstep, the last of which had hit the bottom of the door and shattered all over it. He came back inside, looking slightly bemused, and we assumed Crazy Ex had been back for a little playtime. He got a bucket of water later that day, and slooshed the eggies off the steps as well as he could, but anyone who has ever tried to clear up smooshed eggs several hours after they've been thrown, will know it's no easy task.

This morning, at around 8am, Tom decided to get up and go void his bladder. He pulled on that dressing gown once again, opened his bedroom door and stopped dead. What was that on the mat, just inside the door?

Someone had very kindly posted through his letterbox a single, solitary rasher of uncooked bacon. He opened the front door, just out of curiosity, and found that either James had a REALLY crazy ex, or someone had seriously pissed off the breakfast fairy. Be warned, the following photos are not for the faint of stomach:









We really don't have a clue who could've bombarded the house with an almost Full English. We're half expecting toast and/or mushrooms tomorrow. It'd be easier to understand if it was all down the street, but no. Someone has targeted this house specifically. They've taken the time to stick a piece of bacon, and processed cheese, to the door, place a can of beans very careful on the step, and drape sausages over the railings!

On a more serious note, there's probably about three meals worth of food on the doorstep at the moment, and that pisses me off. I can't stand people wasting food, especially when we're being told that there's a shortage.

8:25 AM - July 20, 2008 - comments {13} - post comment

Squee!

*cuddles her blog, patting it affectionately*

I feel a little dizzy.

9:36 AM - July 19, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

*SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!*

I've just consumed almost an entire tube of.. of...

*checks*

Aha! "Bobby's Gel Pop SQUEEZE!!!! & Lick lollipop... sour blue raspberry flavour.

*bounces in her swivelly swivelly swivel chair*

*swivels*

Ingredients are...

*checks*

*puts glasses on*

*checks again*

...damn shaky hands...

*puts tube on table and checks*

Glucose Syrup, Water, Sugar, Citric Acid, Acidity Regulator: Sodium Citrate; Gelling Agent: Pectin; Stabiliser: E452; Thickener: Gum Arabic; Flavourings, Colour: E133.

*nods* I have no idea what that means, other than I feel a bit sick, and I'm so very very wide awake.






SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

10:16 PM - July 3, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

D'Arc vs. Jahve

Sometimes, this is what happens when Dante and I talk on MSN...

Snoogins says:
are you there God, it's me, Steven Seagal's fading career

Coconut says:
God is too busy for *insert name here*, please leave a message.

Snoogins says:
can you imagine the feelings Jeanne d'Arc must have felt, standing on the stake and getting that message

Coconut says:
gutted

Snoogins says:
indeed

Coconut says:
still, doesn't quite disprove the belief, so she should be ok

Snoogins says:
yeah, but I'd be crossed. "God, please take this pain away" - "You have reached God Incorporated. The person you are looking for --- God --- is not available at the present moment. Thank you for praying."

Coconut says:
so all those paintings of her going serenely into the fire are complete bullshit. God was out playing golf with those angel fags, and poor Miz d'Arc was left to burn in agony.

Coconut says:
she could so sue him

Snoogins says:
exactly

Snoogins says:
enter Lucifer, Abaddon & Oblivion, attorneys at law

Coconut says:
the defense calls God to the stand... put your hand here please sir. Now, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, uh, yourself?

Snoogins says:
Objection!! The idea is that he has someone higher to answer to if he lies. That's humbug!, shouts Oblivion

Coconut says:
Lucifer smiles. Fine... do you swear to tell the truth, blah de blah, so help you... Me? *flaming torches shoot higher in the courtroom*

Snoogins says:
*the orb of light that is God shines more bightly for a moment, for affirmation*

Coconut says:
hang on, how come you get to be God and I have to be Lucifer? SURELY it's the other way around...

Snoogins says:
good point...

Snoogins says:
I AM DECEIT, DEATH AND LUST!!! KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!!!

Coconut says:
Ahem, the Forces For Good would like to remind Mr Lucifer that glowing orbs cannot kneel.

Snoogins says:
Now, as we were saying, do you God, if that is you name, admit to promising to guide and protect our client, the maiden Jeanne d'Arc?

Coconut says:
*God pulses once, for yes*

Snoogins says:
And in doing so, did you promise that while liberating France from those English dogs, you would allow no harm to come to her?

Coconut says:
*a whining noise as God sorts his mic out* Um, well, -technically-... You see, I can't be held responsible for accidents caused in the work place. I'm just a deity, y'know.

Snoogins says:
A deity who claims omnipotence, yes?

Coconut says:
Well yes, but... If Miz d'Arc had read the contract from the start she'd've known that... *orb raises and dips, in an orbish shrug*

Snoogins says:
My client was an illiterate peasant. You exploited her position as a pleb, and didn't bother to mention some of the clauses in your contract. Nice job, by the way, we call that the Big L where I come from. Where was I... ah, yes. You got my client to sign a contract by misleading her, and making her think she's all special and what not because she can hear the voice of God.

Coconut says:
*the orb flashes red in anger* Now listen here sonny Jim, I can cast you out of here just as easily as I cast you out of heaven, you ungrateful bitch.. I give you a whole fucking domain to play with and this is how you treat me? Is it my fault her retarded community hadn't discovered the written word properly? Jeez... I'm fucking GOD, man.

Snoogins says:
And yet, divinity, it seems, does not come with manners. Bitch.

Coconut says:
I don't NEED manners. I'm God.

Snoogins says:
Your honor, we request God's last statement be stricken from the minutes on the basis that he's being a twerp.

Coconut says:
Your honor, I request that little whiny bitch be stricken from the court on the basis that I AM YOUR GOD, BITCH!

Snoogins says:
I sense someone is having delusions of grandeur.

Coconut says:
Oi. Parting of the red sea, burning bushes, impregnating virgin girls in their sleep... pfft. What have YOU done in the last few thousand years?

Snoogins says:
I created FOX News network.

Snoogins says:
Oh, and Tom Cruise's career... all me.

Coconut says:
Women. Tits. *licks finger and swipes the air* Oh yeah.

Snoogins says:
Breast augmentation, porn, tattoos, lesbians. *smacks own ass* Booyah!!

Coconut says:
Uh... uh... damnit! Damn you to hell, Lucifer!

Snoogins says:
Already did that, you old sod.

Coconut says:
*mutters to self* Fuckin' wiseass...

3:35 PM - July 3, 2008 - comments {24} - post comment

Teeth

If you get a chance, go see this movie.

It. Is. HILARIOUS.

Sure, there are dismembered cocks, and sure, there's a little bit of a worrying trend with the guys in the movie, but it's so damned funny all that stuff just doesn't matter.

There are no famous faces in it (none I could recognise, not even with the aid of the credits), but the dialogue is well done, and I think having a complete cast of unknowns really helps with the subject matter. You would take it even less seriously if some typical Hollywood chick were in the lead role. The guys are not gorgeous in the conventional sense, and Dawn has that purity look about her that makes you sympathise in an instant (whilst laughing, but hey, you can't have everything).

Just... see it. Go and see this movie. I can almost guarantee that Dante will like this, but the rest of you need to see it with your own two eyes.

The trailer, for thos who haven't seen it:

9:18 AM - July 3, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Takadon Radiation.

I knew the freakin' bees had something to do with this season's storyarc!





*smug*

8:58 AM - June 29, 2008 - comments {1} - post comment

Discoveries, Mentalists, and SHOPPING!

Discoveries:
As I was sat in front of my PC yesterday, trying ever so hard not to go insane from lack of stuff to do, I got a phone call from Jo, a girl I used to work with. Along with the usual office gossip, she had an interesting bit of news for me:
Bitchy Boss from Hell has been served a written warning for her attitude and behaviour! Huzzah! Apparently she's been letting things slide even more than she did when I was there, and just being a blatant bitch, rather than a covert one.

Mentalists:
Last night saw the return of Kim and Katy to the Face Bar (our regular). I love these girls. They're big, brassy, and full of beans. Just delicious. Don't tell Katy, but Kim's my favourite. We're so alike it's scary. We found out last night that we had read most of the same books... WIN! But they bought a friend with them last night... Drew. Drew is insane. I actually do think he's completely mental. I was dancing with him, Katy, and some other dude, and when the next song came on and both mine and Drew's faces lit up in recognition (I can't remember what it was now, but it was some kind of Ska track), he grabbed my hands and kept me dancing. This went on for two, three more songs... we were the ONLY ONES DANCING. I avoid this scenario whenever possible, because it means everyone's looking at you, but last night... I don't know what got into me. We were dancing like utter loonies, all alone out there.

SHOPPING!
So I finally went and spent my book vouchers today... I cannot believe how expensive books are on the high street! Unfortunately the only bookshop in my town is Waterstone's, so I probably spent more than I needed to on what I bought... which was:
Charles Stross - The Family Trade
Dan Simmons - Ilium
Anne & Todd McCaffrey - Dragon's Kin
Terry Pratchett - Thud!
Garth Nix - Mister Monday
and Tom got Eve - The Empyrean Age by Tony Gonzales.

And then we walked past Zavvi (formerly Virgin Megastores, for those who don't know), and Tom spotted a particularly good deal on the noticeboard outside...

We now have an Xbox 360, Guitar Hero 3 and GTA 4, for less than £250. Bargain!!!

Oh, and I nabbed Pendulum's Hold Your Color for £6. Bonus.

3:14 PM - June 28, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Fuckers.

There are some people in the world who make me so fucking angry it's untrue.

How can they behave this way? What makes them think that it's perfectly okay to be such a complete and utter evil bastard? Hmm? Do they wake up every morning and think "What shall I do today? Ooh, I know, I'll go and fuck with some people who trust me and feel safe with me.. that'll be a fun thing to do!"

Seriously. How are people like them still alive? This thought process is aimed at one individual in particular (who doesn't even know me but BOY if I ever see him will he regret the second he ever laid eyes on me), but the message is for every single fucker out there who thinks it's okay to be a dick, and screw with people's heads, and abuse a friend's trust in the most vile way possible.

You hear me, you cunts? Do you hear me? I hope you all rot in hell. Pfft, even hell is too good for you. I hope you get sucked into a demonic void, where your arse is violated daily by horny tigers, and your nails peeled from your fingers and toes like little scabby flakes.

*breathe* Fuckers. Fucking... fucking... FUCKERS!!!

6:03 PM - June 26, 2008 - comments {31} - post comment

The Story of the Rancid Bin

Once upon a time, in a kitchen far far away (well, far from Piddeh, at least), lived a little white plastic compost bin. Everyday, the family would empty their half-nommed foodstuffs into the little bin, ready for it to be emptied in turn into the big compost cylinder in the back garden.

One day, the parents of the family went on holiday to Abroad, leaving Eldest Daughter and Youngest Son to look after the house. Daughter and Son continued to feed the little bin, scraping the cat's leftovers into it every time the Cat complained, and throwing in the random cold sausages from the back of the fridge. Son added out of date bread. Daughter tossed in dying peaches. The Parents usually emptied the little bin every couple of days, because when there's four people in a house (especially the way Mother overcooks), the little bin fills up rather quickly. But because Daughter and Son were the only ones at home (along with, occasionally, Daughter's Boyfriend and Son's Friend), the little bin was taking longer than usual to fill, and Daughter and Son decided that it could wait, just a little while longer.

A week later, on a Tuesday, Daughter came home very late, and once again emptied Cat's bowl into the little bin. As she lifted the lid, she saw something white slide down the inside. "That's funny," she thought, "I don't remember us having any chicken leftovers.." Then she noticed the small black face, and the undulating body... it was a maggot! Daughter heaved, controlled herself, and took the rather full little bin outside, to empty it into the compost cylinder. And when she did... ohhh the stench! Daughter squeezed her mouth tight shut as she smacked the little bin's bottom, trying to get every last piece of rancid food out of there. She then ran back into the kitchen, dumped the little bin rather unceremoniously onto the side, and shut the kitchen door.

The next day, when Daughter came downstairs and opened the kitchen, the unholy reek of the little bin's foul bottom came floating out of the doorway to assault her nostrils. The poor Daughter retched, and, holding her hand across her mouth, she ran back upstairs and begged Son to wash out the bin. Son promised and promised, but decided to go out in his new car instead, and Daughter knew she would have to tackle the bin alone.

Luckily, Daughter's Boyfriend turned up, and she enlisted his aid in cleaning the little bin. She opened it up again, and all of her day's meals rushed into her throat at what she smelt and saw. The bottom of the bin was a grey, liquid mess. What once had been bread and peaches and catfood, was now unidentifiable muck. She squirted washing up liquid around the bin's inside, and poured in some of the soapy water she'd used to wash the dishes. The smell intensified, as if angered by the clean water, and took on the smell of human vomit as she poured it down the drain, as if to disgust Daughter further. Boyfriend backed away, horrified by the stench, and Daughter searched frantically for a pair of Marigolds to put on, so she could scrape the solid lumps from the drain. But alas! Mother had what she referred to as "asbestos hands", meaning she didn't require Marigolds, and Daughter was, as they say, buggered! Instead, with much apologies to Cat, who stared blankly back at her, she used the fork kept aside for his dinners to poke the rancid lumps of food down the drain.

Daughter squirted thick bleach all around the sink, hoping it would disintegrate the awful smell, and with a wary look, deposited the now clean little bin back in it's place. She had learned her lesson... Never again leave the poor little bin for a over a week with rotten food inside!

11:02 PM - June 25, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

This is what happens when you leave me alone with a biro for any amount of time...

(Close up of the first image)

2:41 PM - June 25, 2008 - comments {32} - post comment

Why I don't have a job yet.

I need a job. Hell, I want a job. But I don't have one, and I know why.

I can't stand the thought of getting back into an office environment, day in, day out. I never understood why people wanted to be accountants, or bank managers, or lawyers, or estate agents. I can't even imagine putting on my power-suit every morning and strutting off down to the office, drinking coffee and chatting to Carl in accounts about the latest software we're using. It's not me. I can't do it.

I'm screwed. Reading is NOT the place for a non-office orientated person to be. I want to be creative. I want to do something I LOVE.

What do I love? Yeah, that's actually a hard question. I love Tom. I love reading, and cooking. I love capturing people's idiotic faces on camera. I love being with people, making them laugh, dancing and prancing with them. I love to fantasise about the kind of person I'd be if I were more confident/slimmer/living alone.

None of these things will pay me, and let me make a career of them.

Completely screwed.

4:41 PM - June 24, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Thou Shalt Always Kill

I knew I'd heard the name before, but I'd never heard a song by Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip - until now.

This, ladies and gents, is Thou Shalt Always Kill, and it's bloody good. Lyrics below the video. Dude has an awesome beard, too.

12:07 AM - June 24, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Leonardo Da Fuckin' Vinci

A friend of mine is currently writing his first novel, and having just finished chapter six of what sounds like a stonkin' good yarn, has come online to talk to little old me about having a beer or two some time soon.

As it does when we natter, the subject of creativity came up. Or, namely, my innate belief that I harbour not a single shred of the stuff, and how disappointed I am that my life won't take that turn. Usually, he comes out with a pat on the shoulder and a "there there, it's not all that bad, I've seen your sketches, they're not awful!", but today he said something else, something that really struck a chord with me.

Do you start stuff, or even think about starting stuff, all the time, and then hit yourself with the "yeah, right" stick? Or the "that's not a valuable use of my time" stick? Or maybe the "what are you on about, that's a load of shite, get a grip" stick? Yep, I have those in my repertoire, too. Truth is, you just have to create something... and every time, I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME, every time your inner bastard/bitch tells you you're being a fuck up, or that you're wasting your time, or that what you're doing is shite, or ANYTHING negative like that, you just have to tell it to get futterly ucked. Or even better... write another sentence! Draw another line! The greatest curse of creative people is self-torture, and in our society we get no sponsorship or encouragement until we make something to 'prove ourselves'. Frankly, Leonardo Da Fuckin' Vinci probably would've ended up working in Tesco's these days... so there..

11:36 PM - June 23, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Train People

Getting a train to work everyday, I saw people. The same people, day in, day out. Polish Girl. Lopsided Man. Little French. Bicycle Blob. These are all people I used to see on my daily commute.

And then there were the ones I'd see coming home... I got to know these guys. Not the morning folk, because I'm not a morning kinda gal. But the Evening Dudes... Kade, Ben, Sarah. They worked around the corner from me, and we'd chat and laugh most evenings on the train back to Reading.

Sometimes I'd notice that a Train Person was absent, and I'd wonder where they were. Greebo Kev was one of those people. Occasionally Greeb would appear on the platform, breathless, clutching his beaten-up backpack just in time for the train. Other times, he simply wasn't there at all. I found out that Greeb worked with the Evening Dudes, and that his wife was heavily pregnant. Eventually, Greeb stopped catching the train altogether, and I found out a month or so after I stopped noticing his absence that he'd found a new job in London or something.

For some reason, it worried me that I didn't notice he wasn't there anymore. More recently, I'd been startled by the appearance of Bicycle Blob in the evenings. It's kinda hard to miss a 20stone man with a ponytail, and a bicycle slung over one shoulder, and even more difficult to not feel your eyes drawn to the huge gap he left when he wasn't there, yet somehow I managed the latter.

Now I won't see any of those people again, and I wonder to myself: Did those people have a name for me? Will they miss me, wonder where I went and what I'm doing now?

It's kinda sad, really.

12:47 PM - June 23, 2008 - comments {17} - post comment

Recommendations, anyone?

I'm heading off into town this afternoon to spend my book tokens, and I don't know what to buy! I've still got five books I've not read (Stephen King - 'Duma Key'; Dean Koontz - 'Strange Highways'; Clive Cussler - 'Dragon'; Mark Billingham - 'Death Message', and 'Lifeless'), but I'm in need of a pick-up and shopping for books is the only way I can get one at the moment that doesn't involve spending my precious little monehs.

So, I thought I'd toss this decision out to you guys. What do you recommend? I read most things that aren't sappy love stories, but I prefer fantasy, horror, crime or sci-fi.

Oooh... I wonder if I can use these tokens online... bum. No, I can't. So, high street bookshops it is. I have £40. Oh, no, wait... make that £35. I just noticed my extra voucher for WHSmith's has expired already. Bastards.

11:28 AM - June 23, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

Billie Piper: Ten years makes a lot of difference!

What with Billie Piper returning to Doctor Who tonight for the season 4 two-part finale, I thought it'd be nice to rewind to 1998 and remind ourselves just how Ms Piper launched herself into the hearts and minds of a nation:

12:00 PM - June 21, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

I Used To Believe...

This morning, I did that personality test that's been doing the rounds recently, but I won't be posting my results, because I don't agree with them. This either means I was lying when I answered the questions, or I'm in denial. The test basically said I had a dual personality, with equal amounts of conflicting ideals in almost every category. I wonder if I should be worried about that.

Then I noticed that the test was hosted by Bored.com, a site I used to visit a lot when I didn't understand my I.T. coursework at school and so went AWOL on the internet. Of course, the first category I clicked on was "weird". Apparently this says a lot about me, as it's the word most of my friends used when asked "What do you think of Nicola?". Again, should I be worried?

Anywho. I spotted a link called I Used to Believe..., leading to a website called just that. It is here. It's basically a site that lists the public's submissions of what they used to believe, whether through childhood innocence, or the influence of a family member, television, etc. It got me to thinking of all the things I used to believe when I was younger.

I believed that:
*If you picked your nose, your head would cave in.
*Toys really DID come to life at night, and they had feelings and could get cramp, so they had to be arranged comfortably at all times.
*The sky was a solid roof on the world, painted by angels depending on their mood.
*The toilet would suck me in if I didn't get out of earshot of the flush before it finished.
*That it took 7 years for chewing gum to make it through your body if you swallowed it.
*That a tree would grow inside you if you ate the seeds of any fruit.
*That I had little men inside my head, sorting out all my bodily functions, just like the little dudes in the Beano comics years ago. Sometimes I even spoke to them.
*That if you put a boy's willy in your mouth, you would get a disease and die.
*That everyone who'd died could see everything you did, all the time.
*That because your parents had the same surname, they must be related, and so you would have to be related to the person you married.

...what did you believe?

10:55 AM - June 21, 2008 - comments {31} - post comment

Two by Two meme

Rules:
1. Use no more, or less, than two words to answer each question.
2. Try not to copy any answers from the person you stole this meme from... in my case, Sarai :D


1. Where is your cell phone? ..................the desk

2. Your significant other?.........................down stairs

3. Your hair? ...........................................pulled back

4. Your mother? ......................................in Spain

5. Your father?.........................................with Mum

6. Your favorite thing?..............................rubber duckies!

7. Your dream last night?.........................hot sex

8. Your favorite drink? .............................sourz cocktail

9. Your dream/goal?.................................creative goodness

10. The room you're in?............................the boudoir

11. Your ex?..............................................utter dick

12. Your fear?...........................................pink balloons

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?..mentally happy

14. Where were you last night?.................in bed ;)

15. What you're not?.................................a liar

16. Muffins?...............................................double chocolate

17. One of your wish list items?.................Australia again

18. Where you grew up?...........................Sea Mills

19. The last thing you did?........................eat chippehs!

20. What are you wearing?.......................blue jeans

21. Your TV?.............................................flat screen

22. Your pet(s)?........................................ginger kitteh

23. Your computer? .................................no speakers

24. Your life?............................................needs work

25. Your mood?........................................got horn

26. Missing someone?..............................oh yes

27. Your car?............................................what car?

28. Something you're not wearing?...........a jumper

29. Favorite Store?...................................the internet

30. Your summer?....................................coming slowly

31. Like someone?...................................how lame

32. Your favorite color?............................deep blue

33. Last time you laughed........................this morning

34. Last time you cried?...........................this afternoon

....y'know, it's harder than it seems....

7:24 PM - June 19, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Need Lemonade!

I've got a mad craving for lemonade... give me lemonade!

*goes searching for lemonade*

...wh-wh-what? There's no lemonade? But how can this be??

*cries*

*fashions a crude sign and sits huddled against a brick wall*

6:54 PM - June 17, 2008 - comments {23} - post comment

Time Travel and the problems it creates.

I've been reading a book about people who are accidental time-travellers. Something happened in the place they are and now they keep jumping through time, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days, and in one case, for 8 months.

A scenario often put across in the story is: If you went back in time and killed your grandfather, that action would surely cancel out your existence, thus making you unable to go back in time and commit your murderous deed. But by that happening, your grandfather would live, and then you would be born, go back in time, kill him, not be born, save him... and so on.

So, what I'm getting confused about with time travelly stories is this: If you were to go back, and cause or change a major event in history, wouldn't you already know it was going to happen, and by knowing that, deliberately try to not intervene, thereby causing it to not happen? But then, you'd then know it didn't happen, and so you'd be less cautious about things...

Also, wouldn't travelling forwards in time be impossible? What with time not being linear, and the amount of possibilities there are in life... I mean, take this example: You go forward in time to 2018, and see yourself 10 years older. You'd have to KNOW that nothing would happen to you while you were there, and that you'd get back to your own time fairly quickly in order for you to actually be able to be in the future as an older you.

Gah... my brain hurts.

5:40 PM - June 17, 2008 - comments {40} - post comment

Not. Crazeh.

Just because you hump a guy's leg who you haven't seen in weeks (the guy, not the leg, duh...) while crying "HORRRNN!" at the top of your voice, in front of a friend of his who you've never met...

...and just because you meet a guy called Steve and then meet another who looks similar and so you call him Not Steve even though he told you his name...

...and just because you meet a girl called Samera and then freak out a little because you thought she said Samara and then laugh because she freaked out a little too when you called her Samara and now she thinks you're slightly awesome (her words)...

...and just because you feel the need to apologise for the humpage to the humpee, only for him to tell all your mutual friends about it who laugh at you (in a nice way) and then roll their collective eyes and tell said friend that it's not unusual to be humped by you every now and again...although the "HORRRNN!" thing is new...

...and just because you start laughing like you're going to pee when you're in the middle of telling Gay David his new blue braids look awesome, when you get a text from someone saying "Gay David's got blue braids... he looks like the Motley Jew"...

...does NOT make you crazeh.

11:41 PM - June 16, 2008 - comments {15} - post comment

Rant.

Girls (and some boys), you know when you buy something new and you get all excited because there is this tiny being of newness in your bag? And you know, just KNOW, that even though you didn't try on said shiny goodness, it'll fit, and it'll make you look all gorgeous and scrummy?

Well fuck that.

In the bum.

With a randy tiger.

I bought a bra (slight gape-age - apparently I'm not "full figured" enough to wear a bra made for full figured women... despite it being my size!), some knickers (cut into my legs a bit, even though they're supposed to be for fatties), a t-shirt (too tight over the boobies of doom... stupid boobies), and some trousers (Arse took one look and went "uh, no mate, no thanks... not having those squashing me into oblivion!").

That makes a total of a whopping 0/4. But, because I am unemployed and therefore low on cash, I will keep the gaping bra, and I will keep the slightly tight pants, and I will keep the boobie-restricting t-shirt... and only the arse-hating trousers of GAY will go back to the shop, to be exchanged for a size which I swore I would NEVER reach.

Baby, does my bum look big in this?
Big? It looks flamin' HUUUUGE!
...*thwack*

So... big. Fug'n hyooooj.
*blergh*
This was supposed to just be a regular blog of talky talky BOOM (yes, boom not doom)! But instead, I mope and I moan and I stamp my little feets and I bring the house down with my considerable bulk.

I'ma go eat a chocolate bar. Or maybe a hundred chocolate bars. See if I can't get so fat I'm visible from space.

4:31 PM - June 13, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Don't like Hilary Clinton? You'll love this...

I know this is a recycled toy, but I just love the face Clinton's pulling in it...*click*

For the curious, there is another one of these gidgets floating around, with George Bush's face on the same bikini'd body. Quite disturbing image, I can tell you. Find it here.

9:16 PM - June 12, 2008 - comments {21} - post comment

Sandstrom gets the Horn. Or: Me, yesterday.

10:47 AM - June 12, 2008 - comments {30} - post comment

Posting a Secret. Warning: slight TMI.

PostSecret has done wonders for me. I know it's kinda perverted to read other people's secrets, but I console myself with the knowledge that that's exactly what they made the site for. Revealing secrets.

So when I saw, on their Facebook group, a photo of someone's secret postcard and an invitation to post your own secret in the comments, I caved. I sent in three secrets. Three separate pieces of information that nobody in the world but me knows. No-one. Not even my two biggest confidantes.

I was a little upset when I didn't feel the relief I thought I would at having revealed three of my deepest secrets, until I got a message from a random girl in America who'd read one of my "confessions", and felt the need to mail me and tell me that she, too, had suffered from the same thing but was over it now. It felt good to know that it IS something that can go away.

I won't reveal that particular secret, because it's something I'd rather everyone didn't know. But I do want to tell you all something else. Something that's been bothering me since I was 17 years old, and something I've tried so so hard to figure out for the past six years, with no luck.

I don't know who took my virginity. I spent almost eight months convincing my first boyfriend that it was, indeed, him, even though he suspected it might've been someone else. I even convinced myself, for a little while. But ever since he gave up on the subject, I've had nagging doubts.

Six months or so before I started going out with C, I was at the party of a friend's boyfriend, K. Everyone was very drunk, and a friend of K's had his eye on me. I'd seen him before, a couple of times, and I thought he was cute and whatever, but I was in a very insecure stage of my teenage years, and I was positive that he would never be interested. Anyway, it turns out he was. We kissed, and cuddled, and petted in that weird, kinda gross way that inexperienced teenagers do, and he asked me if I wanted to go upstairs with him. At first, I said no. But later on, when everyone was passed out on the living room floor, D took my hand and told me not to worry, that he'd look after me, that I was gorgeous and he'd wanted me from the moment he saw me. I melted. He'd said everything I'd wanted to hear, and I followed him up the stairs. Let me reiterate here that I was very drunk, and so was he. We stole into a bedroom, and he started to take my jeans, and then my knickers, off. In the dark, through the drunken haze, and through the tingling pain from being seriously, SERIOUSLY inexperienced, I still don't know to this day whether or not we had sex. I remember holding on to the back of his boxer shorts, but I have a vague memory? idea? hallucination? of having BOTH his arms around me, even through that pain.

I just don't know. When C and I first had sex, it didn't hurt as much as I'd been told it would for a first time. I just put it down to his experience, and the months of foreplay before "it" finally happened.

It haunts me, to this day, that I can't say for sure what happened that night at K's house. Seen as I went back downstairs afterwards, there's no point in asking D, because he claimed he couldn't even remember the next morning whether or not I'd accepted his invitation. I saw him again, at K's house the following week, but he barely recognised me, and I left the house in tears. I still bump into him from time to time, and he always has this embarassed look in his eyes that says "I know I should remember you, and for a really good reason, but I just don't".

So there's my secret. I feel better having told people that I know, rather than complete strangers, and so I invite you to do the same, if the mood takes you.

If you'd rather post anonymously, that's understandable, but please make a name for your comment, just so that there isn't so many replyees all named 'Anonymous'.

11:30 AM - June 10, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

France, and win.

I'm back! Miss me? Go awn, you can say it, I don't mind.... everyone was getting fluffy over at pd's t'other day by the sounds of it... :P

So, France was... French. Very French. And slightly Belgian, what with us being in the north-eastern part, close to the Belgian border. I ate far too much rich and delicious food, drank far too much rich and delicious wine, and spent far too long taking in the rich and delicious countryside. Seriously, if you're going to take a holiday in rural France, take a car with you. When the nearest village (and shop) is 6 miles away, you start to feel the sting of boredom.

There aren't many holiday snaps I'm afraid... being in the middle of the country there wasn't much to take snaps of. I do have some of the ramparts we visited (fans of Monty Python's Holy Grail, yes, we did do the French soldiers thing), and some of the scary French cows who came running (really running! I've never seen a cow run before) over to see us every time we walked past, but I can't be arsed to load them because they're boring.

Sadly my holiday was nowhere near as exciting as Slayer's recent trip to Cancun, and I didn't take France by storm as much as I took it slowly and steadily, over a few bottles of wine and a nice chat. Next Friday we're hitting our local rock club again - I need to get all the pent up energy out of my system!

The one photo I will share with y'all is one of the t-shirt Tom got me for Christmas, which belatedly had it's first outing yesterday, at my brother's 18th birthday dinner:

10:49 AM - June 9, 2008 - comments {26} - post comment

Last Day, France, and... no, that's it.

Yesterday was my last day at work, and I pretty much told Boss-bitch that she could go rot in hell. She avoided all conversations about my leaving, and even refused to stand up and join the crowd when pretty much the entire company filed into our department to present me with chokits, book tokens and cards. Whore.

So... I'm unemployed! Yay! I'm off to France in about 15 minutes (and I'm not even dressed... argh!) for a week, and then I'll look for a new job,

See y'all later!

8:04 AM - May 31, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

KNEEEES!

A recent challenge from pd saw Bebbet and Tex show off their favourite items of clothing. Well, I say clothing... Bebs' was sunglasses, and Tex's was a hat. So I decided, in the interests of actual clothing, to show you my knees.

Yes, my wonderful, screwed-to-all-hell knees. Oh, and a skirt that I love:

9:01 PM - May 29, 2008 - comments {52} - post comment

So, I Quit My Job...

No, this isn't one of those bad jokes that starts with some banal saying, and ends up with three thai ladyboys doing dreadful things to a pineapple. I really did quit my job, last Wednesday.

*does the ditzy not-blonde face* I like, so totally meant to mention it, but it like, completely slipped my mind!

No, really. I was seriously frelling DOWN last week. Hence all the comedy videos. The bitch (read: Boss) pushed me too far on Wednesday. She called me stupid, called me an idiot, childish, rude... I snapped. I told our entire Systems department that I wanted to, and I quote, "wring her fucking neck", and then "rip her scrawny little throat out". I may have frightened the very timid little nerdy bloke sat less than three feet away from where I was stood, eyes bulging, foaming at the mouth, and barely controlling the urge to morph into some awesome acid-green monster of doom.

I went straight to the Managing Director, cried and bit my lip and was totally miserably upset (for real, srsly) and told him I wanted, no, needed to quit because she was making my life miserable, and he got mad, and went down there and wrought hell on her scrawny ass. Or so I hear. He sent me home (less than two hours after I got there - score!), and THEN did his very own Hulk impersonation.

I also managed to wrangle it so I only have to work two weeks' notice, instead of four (Nicola 1, Bitch 0), and now I'm being all smarmy and stuff. Woo!

Had an interview with an agency, because I DARED to apply for a job online that they'd put up, so they wanted to sign me up to them so they could get the bonus for sending me to this position. The woman was lovely (and cute), and she told me I'd be perfect for the position I'd applied for, as I had waaaay more experience in that kind of working atmosphere than most of the other candidates she'd spoken to. Double Woo!

So. Could be a new job (and plenty more moolah) on the cards for lil ol' Twisty in the near future. Until then.... roll on Friday 30th!

EDIT/P.S.: I want to thank Bebbet for his supportive, uplifting, and hilarious phone conversation on that fateful Wednesday. Cheers man, I needed that.

8:32 PM - May 21, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

Why I Love My Man, part four.

I'm playing GTA San Andreas, on the PS2. I'm kickin' some guy's ass.

I hear muffled giggling behind me.

I think "heh, he's just impressed with my ass-kicking skills".

I briefly wonder why, when you kick it, it all of a sudden becomes an 'ass' rather than it's usual form; 'arse'.

He giggles some more.

I turn around, and see him standing there, with my black cowboy hat on, casually riffling through my undies and flinging pair after pair of my knickers onto his head.

I stare, and ask; "Um... WHAT are you doing??"

He stares straight back, flicks a pair of bright orange pants onto the hat and replies, completely deadpan; "Buckaroo."

7:21 AM - May 16, 2008 - comments {16} - post comment

"They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is..."

5:40 PM - May 14, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

Never Put A Blanket Over An Owl.

I first saw Ross Noble ooh, ages ago, as a support for Jack Dee's live TV show. He made me wet myself laughing. There was actual wee in my pants. Only a little bit mind, but it was there. He was bangin' on about how old ladies in supermarkets sort of orbit you while you're shopping... I can't explain it, because it was so funny I could hardly breathe.

Anywho. Today I was reminded of Mr Noble by our very own Bebbet (who has a similar accent, in case you were curious), and so I went a-searchin' for giggle clips.

And I found this, and nearly died of laughter:

10:26 PM - May 13, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Why I Love My Man, part three

I poked him in the stomach and he groaned theatrically, claiming he might shit the bed if I did that again.

Then he started singing, in a tiny little voice, to the tune of Nelly Furtado's Maneater:




"She's a man-eating oompa loompa, oompa loompa... oomp... a... loomp...


*pause*



....little orange bastards."

11:25 AM - May 10, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

Why I love my man, part two.

He: Euch... argh... blerh....

Me: o_O

He: Pleh.....

Me: *giggling* What??

He: My mouth... it tastes like bum.

Me: Do you KNOW what bum tastes like?

He: Yeah. My mouth. Right now.

Me: *more giggles*

He: I feel like someone's had their ringpiece pressed against my lips all night...

Me: *laughing* Blowing the Ass Trumpet??

He: Eurgh.... Stalies.

Me: Stalies? What the fuck?

He: It tastes like stale farts smell.... y'know, like, when you fart and it smells like it's been in there for two weeks, like...

Me: ...festering? *guffaws*

He: Arrrrgleh.... Stale fart mouth.... *giggle*

Me: *giggling my voluminous ass off*

He: Staaaaaaaalllliiiiiieeeeees.... stale fart smell....

Me: *shaking with mirth*

He: STALE!


*long pause*





Sometimes, they smell like off milk.

10:00 AM - May 10, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Unidentified Drunken Injuries.

There are random blurry photos of my inebriated friends on my phone.

Blood is smeared across the bathroom floor, and all over my big toe.

The lock is hanging off the bathroom door. Again.

I can't put any weight on my right foot. The arch of it feels like it'll explode if I do.





All in all, a pretty good night out!

9:57 AM - May 10, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Hayley Williams' hair is made from sex.

12:57 PM - May 9, 2008 - comments {16} - post comment

Cartoons of the 90s

Pd started an interesting discussion about old cartoon theme songs, and I felt kinda sad that I didn't recognise any of the shows people were on about. Does the five or more years they all have on my age make that much difference? Apparently so... theirs all seem to be 80's shows.

So... here are some of MY favourite cartoon theme songs, from the 1990's.

11:27 AM - May 5, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

Why I Love My Man

He belched really loudly earlier and then proclaimed, in a half-proud, half-bemused tone:

"That tasted like Christmas decorations smell."




I adore him.

3:30 PM - May 4, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Eye of DooM!

I think my eye is dying.

It really hurts.

Like, really.

REALLY really.

I feel like I'm being raped in the eye socket.

I don't know what happened to it... I just woke up yesterday after a serious drinking session Friday night and it just ached like a motherfucker. I think there's an alien in there, living behind my eyeball.

Yeah, aliens. Living in my eye and storing the data for their invasion. I should put on some more clothes.

Seriously though, it's killing me. I can't see straight out of it, and every time I touch it my head pounds like wardrums.

*stares* My eye is taking over my body. I'm gonna become some kind of... creature, with a massive eye.

PD! What did you do?!? She told me on Facebook the other day that I was just a massive pair of eyes on legs. She's cursed me! This pain isn't aliens, it's my eye growing massively obese and stretching out my socket.....

...can giant Eye-creatures still copulate? *gasp* Do I even have the MEANS to copulate once my eyes take over my body???

*prods her eye* Ouch. Fuck....

10:39 AM - May 4, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Twisteh Adventures!

Thursday could not pass fast enough for me as I counted down the hours until the Big Trip! Ok, so it was only Blackpool, but I love getting away. Away from home, away from work, away from Reading...

Tom and I piled into his sexy little car and drove off into the sunset... literally. I had to keep my eyes closed until the sun was almost down. Being only little, the stupid sun visors actually do NOTHING to keep the light from glaring into my sensitive eyes. Warm car, snuggly seats, closed eyes... I slept. Bah. We got to Tom's parent's house at around midnight and just went straight up to bed, but not before I took some pictures of our room:

Yes, that's a life-sized Indiana Jones figure, and a cardboard Cyberman cut-out in the window. Further details on this shop and it's merchandise can be found here.

Apparently, this is one of the original props used in the films...

I tried to persuade him to smile, but he wasn't having any of it. And yes, I was quite inebriated when I took this.

Tom (right) with Richie, the guy who insisted that his hair is "not ginger... it's Autumn Fox!"

Tom with Helen, his ex-girlfriend and the barmaid we told to 'surprise us' whenever we went to order drinks... which was how we ended up having cherry sourz, vodka and lemonade cocktails.

Terry (right) and his friend with an extremely forgettable name. Friend had awesome boots that I forgot to photograph, but he kept trying to set me up with Terry for some reason.

8:58 PM - April 29, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Octopus Thoughts

Shh. I'm still technically not here.

Octopus sex. I know, I know... "ew! gross!". But bear with me.

I know there are people in the world who get their kinks and thrills from rubbing up against tentacular beasties, but I've never really thought about it properly before today.

I can kinda see the attraction to the sliminess of it all, and the suction cups, but... ack.

I mean, is it not really cruel to the octopus involved? From the pictures I've seen before now (don't look so disgusted - I didn't LIKE them), all the octopusses have looked to be severely dead. The latest one was even cut open and draped over a baby doll, so it looked like the girl who's tits were covered by drooping tentacles was holding a half-baby, half-octopus... thing.

Surely this is cruelty to animals. I mean, killing a sea creature so that you can pleasure yourself with it's carcass? Even if the poor thing isn't dead, this is a horrible practice. Octopusses (octopi??) are intelligent creatures, about on the same level as dogs!

Don't even get me started on dog sex. Yes, you. You know who you are.

I just.... I mean, I have an open mind. I don't have a problem when it comes to a lot of bizarre sexual fetishes, but exploiting an animal for your own perverse (and just because I say perverse it doesn't mean you're a pervert.... I really hate explaining that) needs is just wrong. Especially when, like an octopus, said animal can't fight back. Dogs can bite, horses can kick, but octopusses? They squirt ink at you. And from what I've learned, that's part of the enjoyment.

But then, I once saw a Japanese porno where a man forced a woman to let him insert eels into as many orifices as possible. She was crying, really crying in what looked to be complete horror and misery.

You Japanese folk, you are seriously fucked up.

10:23 AM - April 25, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

We're off to see the wizard!

The wonderful wizard of... uh... Blackpool. Who isn't really a wizard at all, but just Tom's Dad. His Mum, too.

Ok, so we're off to see the Parents, the wonderful Parents of Tom.

I'm back in... *counts*... 3 days? Monday. I'm back Monday.

So don't miss me too much, those of you who haven't disowned me for not watching Star Wars.

*pulls a face at Bebbet, Dante, and Ogre*

5:48 PM - April 24, 2008 - comments {26} - post comment

Baby Out! (NSFW)

Tom was browsing the news on The Register this morning when he came upon this marvellous little gem:

Hospital authorities in the Philippines are none too pleased with three doctors and a nurse who extracted a 15cm spray canister from a male patient's rectum in a "rowdy" operation, footage of which subsequently popped up in three-minute video on YouTube

Health Secretary Francisco Duque III has ordered an investigation into the unnamed quartet from the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Centre in Cebu, AP reports. The 3 January video shows the medical staff "laughing, giggling and cheering", and at one point features a hand holding a mobile phone moving in to capture an additional close-up of the action.

As a doctor "gingerly" pulls out the canister, one wag shouts "Baby out!" to loud cheers. The man left holding the baby then sprays its contents on the onlookers.

Although the hospital has, following a probe, recommended "filing administrative cases against the four personnel, with penalties ranging from reprimands to dismissals for violating a code of conduct and ethical standards", the country's Health Department makes the final call.

The hospital explained in a statement that while the successful operation "may have prompted the cheers", it conceded they were "excessive and inappropriate and some acts were already in violation of some hospital policies".

As well as the four direct participants in the video, the procedure was observed by a fourth doctor and three other nurses - subsequently "sternly warned" - and a group of nursing students from a local school. The clinical instructor in charge of the students was banned from the hospital, while one of his charges is under investigation for allegedly publishing the video on YouTube.

The subject of the footage, an unnamed 39-year-old, is unimpressed with the hospital's handling of the outrage. His lawyer, Guiller Ceniza, said: "We are not satisfied with the proceedings conducted by the hospital. All the while we thought that they were conducting an administrative proceeding... to impose sanctions but what turned out was merely a fact-finding inquiry."

Pending the Health Department's ultimate decision on the fate of the four accused, Ceniza's client next week plans to file a suit "seeking the revocation of the licences of those responsible and a civil suit for damages".

In case you're wondering just how the poor bloke got a 15cm spray canister up his back passage in the first place, Ceniza explained he'd indulged in a New Year's Eve drinking spree and one-night stand with a male partner and was "too drunk to remember how [it] ended up in his body". ®

Running through some of the comments (most of them ass jokes, although one person left the immortal line "Boom Chicka Wah Wah", which had me pissing myself), it was established that the "anal retentive, no fun, YouTube police" had taken the video down from their site. However, a link to the video on totallycrap.com was provided by one Anonymous Coward.

There's not much to see for the first minute or so, but after that it all starts to get a lot more interesting... watch at your peril! (Unfortunately I can't embed the vid, so you'll have to click over to totallycrap in order to watch this. I'm betting curiosity is gonna make you...)

[center]http://www.totallycrap.com/videos/videos_spray_can_in_ass_doctors_laugh_the_movie/[center]

10:10 AM - April 20, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Twisted Minds

Why is it, that in every horror or crime story, whether it be book, film, TV, whatever, the bad guy is always "ill". Or has some kind of issues with his/her parents. Or has suffered an awful childhood at the hands of the childcare authorities. Never are these people sane, ordinary folk.

I don't know why authors and scriptwriters always feel the need to place their killers apart from "normal" society. Why they're always sick, depraved beings.

Even in real life, killers are described by judges and prosecutors up and down the land as sick. Ok, so killing isn't good. But soldiers kill, and I'm sure there's a bigger percentage of those who get a kick out of taking another's life than you might think. Are they sick? Noooo, they're soldiers, so it's ok. *shakes head* That never made sense to me.

I'm not saying here that serial killers should be let off because all they did was give in to their urges, I think they should be locked away because their urges are obviously harmful to the rest of society. I guess I'm just saying that the Powers That Be needn't always try and dehumanise these people.

I think I should stop there. People are gonna get on my case for this enough as it is.

8:33 AM - April 19, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Lily The Pink

My Dad used to entertain us for hours with silly little songs from his youth, or bedtime stories improvised from radio shows he listened to. I loved to hear him sing 'Five Jelly Fish' for hours, and we could never go to sleep without hearing the latest story about Wiggly Park and it's insectile inhabitants.

But one of my favourite "Dad" songs has to be Lily The Pink, by Scaffold. Lyrics are under the video... which isn't actually a video, but just audio with a picture.

8:53 PM - April 17, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

Dickheads Galore

I don't get why people I work with seem to think that I'm some kind of special-school reject, some air-headed slip of a girl who couldn't understand them even if they drew a pretty picture.

Yes, I'm twenty years younger than most of the fusty old gits in my department, and the ones surrounding it. Yes, I stuff envelopes for a living. This does NOT make me retarded. It does not mean that I can't grasp the Systems Manager's brand new shiny piece of shit scanning system.

I get it. I can grasp the thing in both hands and use it, better than him, but that does not stop me thinking that it's a waste of time. The department in which it's supposed to make the most difference (mine, coincidentally) is the one it gives the most problems. It takes more time and more people, and therefore more money, to do the same job. Yet he can't hear this argument, because he's deafened by the fanfare of his Baby. He also can't seem to see me, because the pound signs generated by the big fat bonus he's getting from the MD for creating this ultimate slice of cack are clouding his vision.

Tom's just starting to do programming, and when I described the system to him he laughed. "What a piece of shit," he said, "I could programme a better system than that!"

How old, how technically minded, and how much of a kiss-arse does one person need to be in order to get their point across? He's just not fucking listening. My Boss isn't much better, either. She agrees with me behind his back, and yet when they both thought I was out of the room, I heard them discussing my "stupidity" and "selfishness" regarding my argument. Apparently the selfishness comes from the fact that this scanning business means I have to do more work. I couldn't give a flying fuck about how much work I have to do - I'm already weighed down with a ton of shit I shouldn't be doing anyway, so I probably won't even get a chance to use the scanners. My concerns are for our deadlines. In a few weeks we have a mailing starting that requires us to mail 10,000 letters a day. Ordinarily, that's no problem. Hell, even on our old system we could get it done. With the scanners? Every letter has to be scanned, and we've timed it to a rate of 500 letters an hour. I'm at work for 7hours, and I have other daily jobs that can't be ignored. The Boss is there for the same time, and also has her chores. We have two PCs in the room, one of which is ALWAYS in use for other jobs. You work it out.

So yeah. I'm angry. I told the condescending arsehole to piss off yesterday, and he acted all indignant, telling me I couldn't talk to him like that. I pointed out that he had no authority over me, making us equals as colleagues, and as such I could talk to him in any way I pleased. That made me feel a little better.

7:10 AM - April 16, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

This is the way I like to hear Metallica...

...covered by someone else!

It may've been said before, but I'm not a Metallica fan. For some reason they just grate on my nerves something chronic.

That said, they do write some pretty good songs, which sound awesome when covered by other bands. I want to share two such covers with you today, by bands who do usually do something very different to Metallica.

First up, Apocalyptica. Four Finnish blokes on cellos. I've never heard the genre sound so good. It just... turns everything you expect from Scandinavian metal bands completely on it's head, and still rips an amazing sound from the universe. It's intelligent. I love it. I also love their cover of Enter Sandman...

8:38 AM - April 13, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Gots Lurgy, and Shiny New Phone of Joy

Don't come near me... I'm sick. *retch*

I got sent home from work Wednesday when, in a strangely caring mood, my boss decided that I couldn't possibly continue working after throwing up half a dozen times in an hour. She even took me to the train station so I wouldn't miss my train...

I almost wish she hadn't bothered. Only a minute away from my destination I succumbed to the bug and hurled violently all over myself. Well, actually I hurled into a plastic carrier bag, which then split and poured gooey warm vomit all down my leg. Got a good enough mental image yet?

So yeah... the last two days have been full of me running back and forth to the bathroom, hanging my head over the toilet bowl and trying to be sick. Seen as I'm avoiding food like it's the plague (it really feels like it is), I haven't got all that much to chuck. So my options are basically thus:
1. Eat food to avoid weakness and earth-shattering stomach growls, only to have it all repeat on me within the hour, or...
2. Eat nothing, feel even more sick, dry-retch over the bog, and generally feel like shit.

Tough choice, right?

On a slightly happier note, my new phone was delivered Wednesday, and I've been toying with it ever since. HAPTIC touch buttons are difficult. They sense the presence of your finger and vibrate to let you know your touch was registered, but they were set so sensitive that all I had to do was brush my finger lightly over them and they cancelled all my settings. So I played about a bit getting the sensitivity right, and I think I'm done now.

Oh, and it's a Samsung. I love Samsung. A Samsung U600, to be precise:

10:14 AM - April 11, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

Another New Song Fixation

I really like this song. It reminds me a little of Hoobastank, but I like it nonetheless.

The song is called "Stop and Stare", and it's by One Republic. Enjoy.

9:09 PM - April 8, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

Freaky Weather

Friday: Fluctuating between mild and cold, drizzle to heavy rain.

Saturday morning: Mild. Calm. Bright.

Saturday lunchtime: Monsoon season comes to Reading. Absolutely pissing it down.

Saturday afternoon: HOT. Jumpers off, sitting in the sun.

Saturday evening/night: Cold. Light rain, breezy.

Sunday morning:

9:16 AM - April 6, 2008 - comments {17} - post comment

The Grindhouse

Remember some point last year when everyone on here was raving about Grindhouse, a double-feature movie made by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez? I fully expected it to be a straight-to-DVD thing over here, and so when a mate of mine said he'd got the first feature, Planet Terror on DVD I went over to watch.

'Twas Awesome.

THEN, yesterday, I got a text from a friend. Grindhouse, 10pm, our local cinema. Get in!

'Twas FUCKING awesome.

I... shit man, words just fail me right now. If anyone remembers how excited I got when 300 was released, then you'll have an idea of how buzzed I am right now.

Highlights?

Planet Terror:
*Abby (Naveen Andrews - Sayid out of Lost) collecting the testicles of people he has killed.
*Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan) using her machine-gun-cum-rocket-launcher leg to hurdle over a ten-foot wall.
*Rapist #1 (Quentin Tarantino)'s genitals melting and droping off as he suffers the side effect of not taking his gas... after being speared through the face by Cherry's wooden leg.

Death Proof:
*Pam (Rose McGowan) getting thrown around in Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell)'s stunt car like a ragdoll.
*Zoe (Zoe Bell playing herself) holding on for dear life on the hood of a white 1970's Dodge Challenger, as Stuntman Mike tries to ram the car off the road.
*Kim (Tracie Thomas) shooting Stuntman Mike in the arm, and him squealing like a stuck pig.

...there are so many more, but I don't want to spoil it for y'all. If you like action, horror, all-out gore, cheesy lines (Cherry, after snapping off her wooden leg in her would-be rapist's eye, turns to El Wray [Freddy Rodriguez] and says "I broke my leg.."), and comedic "missing reels", then these two films are for you.

Make an effort, English people, to go see this at the cinema. It is SO worth it. For some reason it apparently completely fell on it's arse in cinemas in America, so we've got it rather delayed.

No words. Seriously. Just go out there, and see this movie. Even if you have to beg, borrow or steal to get there.

8:45 AM - April 6, 2008 - comments {19} - post comment

The thieving, conniving bastards! *fume* !!EDIT!!

I overslept today, and boy am I glad I did!

As I sat, bleary-eyed and tousle-haired, to eat my Shreddies in the living room, and interesting piece of financial news caught my attention. I almost always half-hearted listen to the news as I eat my breakfast, but it never really sticks in my head as having being digested. This morning, however, was an exception.

As far as I could gather in my half-asleep state, and from the brief going-over the piece got by the BBC's financial expert, our kind and bounteous government are abolishing the lower tax bracket. Now I wasn't really aware of this, but apparently up until now everyone who earns less than £35K a year only paid 10% in tax, whereas those who earned over £35K paid 20%.

As of... whenever this comes into play, EVERYONE will be made to pay the higher rate of 20%. I don't pretend to fully understand the implications of such a move, but even to me this sounds like REALLY bad news. Hell, especially seen as I'm earning the minimum wage for my age bracket in this country. Those of us who earn the least, are set to lose the most in this new scheme. Personally, if I've worked it out right, my pay will be decreased by £100 ($200) a month, after tax. I can barely afford to live on what I earn as it is, without it being knocked down even further.

I swear to all and any gods that might be listening, this had better be a really fucking extravagant April Fool's prank. I can't seem to find anything on the story online, but I asked Tom (who browses a LOT more news sites than I think is healthy) and he seems to think it's true.

Bastards.

2:28 PM - April 1, 2008 - comments {17} - post comment

He's Baaaaack....

...and how excited am I??

10:47 PM - March 31, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Payday Shopping Trip of Mega Joy!

Today, the lovely Thomas and I went into Camden in London to do some serious shopping. He needed clothes, and I had money to burn :D

So, I really wasn't surprised when I fell in love with some boots in the very first shop we went to. *grin* But, being a good girl I decided to traipse around the delicious shops ALL day to see if I could find anything else I'd rather spend my hard-earned moolah on.

I got a chicken tikka take-away, and a cup of fresh lemonade, but it did not quench my thirst for the Gorgeous Boots of Great and Powerful Joy.

Yeah, I went back and got them. Wanna see?

9:47 PM - March 29, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

SupaMeme! Stoled from pd

1. If you're being extremely quiet, what's it mean?
That I'm probably quite upset or angry about something, and I don't trust myself to talk without crying/throwing a rage.

2. If someone hit you, what would you do?
Hit them back, always. Even if I'm outnumbered, and likely to get REALLY hurt. I can't help it - I won't be beat on.

3. Do you still have feelings for your ex?
Yes. I feel sorry for him. I pity the poor bastard.

4. Last time you laughed?
Yesterday, when my Dad made one of his "deliberate misunderstanding" comments about the news.

5. Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
Just now, on MSN.

6 Are you wearing any clothes that don't belong to you?
Nope. ALL mine.

7. Would you ever date your best friend (of the opposite sex)?
I almost did once, but no. It'd be REALLY weird.

8. Have you ever received sexy pictures from someone?
Oh yeah. Lots of 'em. I sent some back, too...

9. Do you regret anything from your past?
There are two things:
1: Yeti. I will say no more.
2: Begging off sick one particular day. That'll stay with me forever.

10. If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
I'm not a revenge kinda gal. I like to see them get bit in the arse by karma.

11. How do you react when people cry around you?
Badly. I'm terrible with people who are conveying huge emotions. I just tend to pat them and say stupid things like "it'll be ok, don't worry..." and look gormless.

12. Do you bump into someones arm if you want to hold their hand?
Haha, yeah I do actually. I'm so lame that way. Paranoia prevents me from taking the initiative in situations like that.

13. Last argument?
I don't remember the last argument I was actively involved in, but I was kind of in the one at the pub on Wednesday. A question in the quiz was mistyped and it meant that 3 out of the 4 teams got the answer wrong. Of course, the team that got it 'right' wanted to ignore the typo, whereas everyone else wanted the question nullified.

14. Would you ever strip for money?
No. I probably wouldn't for art, either. I have a serious body issues, so no. No no no.

15. Do you have a crush?
So deep it'd smush even the glowy fish that live at the bottom of the sea.

16. Do you know how to belly dance?
Yes, but I'm not very good. I dissolve into giggles whenever I do it, remembering the girl I learned with and her horrified expression when she found out we were going to "porno dancing" classes.

17. What are you listening to?
The Cardigans - 'Lovefool', on the radio. When the station doesn't decide to cut out, that is.

18. Last meal?
I just had luncheon meat and tomato ketchup sandwiches, and a green apple.

19. Last nap?
The last time I cried. I always fall asleep after I cry... it's weird.

20. Do you own a planner?
I own one... but I don't usually use it. I write everything down on my wall calendar.

21. Favorite month?
September. Not too warm, but not quite cold yet. And it's MUCH closer to my birthday than any other month. :D

22. Would your parents be mad if you were in a inter-racial relationship?
My Mum'd be ok with it, but my Dad wouldn't be happy. The man is more than a little racist, unfortunately.

23. Would they be mad if you were gay/lesbian?
Again, my Mum would deal, but my Dad's another kettle of fish altogether. He thinks of gay people as lesser beings. I don't think anyone'd be surprised if I told them I was a lesbian, though. Apparently I give off an aura of bisexuality, anyway.

24. What are you doing Saturday?
Tom and I are supposed to be going to London, but if the rain carries on like it is at the moment, we'll probably just go see a movie or something.

25. Sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?
People don't generally do "sweet" things for me. I try to discourage them. The surprise Valentine's card I got last month was very sweet, though.

26. Friend most like you?
A guy I know, Andy. The first time we talked properly he later told one of our mutual friends that it was like "speaking to a twin sister". Although I'm definitely the evil twin, according to him.

27. Kiss on the first date?
If the other person's up for it. I've done a lot more, and a lot less, on first dates in the past.

28. Are you a slut/man whore?
Nuuu. I never had that particular phase.

29. Favorite color?
Green, at the moment.

30. Are you racist?
No, but I laugh at racist jokes. Hell, I laugh at all kinds of sick things. One that tickled me the other day was something my Dad sent me:
After her success in the UK Hide and Seek Junior Championships, Shannon Matthews will now try her luck abroad by taking on current European Champion, Madeleine McCann.

31. Excited for anything?
Yes! Going home! WOOOO! Seriously, I hate my job THAT much.

33. Last time you were confused?
Heh heh heh. I'm in an almost constant state of confusion. Ooh, thinking about it, I was confused this morning when I read one of pd's answers to this very meme!

34. If you could cuddle with anyone right now who would you pick?
My Mister. He's big and cuddly and delicious... *daydreams*

35. Have you ever done something behind your best friend's back and never told them?
Um... no, actually. I almost did once, but I lacked the relevant contact details to tell that poison bitch to leave him alone.

36. Rent a movie or go to movies?
I love going to the movies. I love the smell, the sounds, the over-priced popcorn...
Mmm.. popcorn...

37. Been to Mexico?
No, and I probably never will, unless I come into a substantial amount of money (or an adventure!) that allows me to travel far and wide. And then I'd spend most of it in Australia anyway.

38. Own a gun?
Highly doubtful. I'd probably shoot someone in a fit of passion.

39. Happy with life?
I'd say about half of it is just peachy. The other half could do with a serious overhaul.

40. How old are you?
I'm 22, 23 in October. *hinthint*

41. Do you wish you were older? Why?
Ack. I'd rather not wish my life away. I don't think I've ever really wished to be older. Not even when I couldn't get into any pubs!

42. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Yes, without question.

43. What's one thing you want to accomplish in life?
I want to learn to speak fluent German. I was never allowed to know that side of my family, so learning their language takes me one step closer to them.

44. Do you wish someone was with you?
Definitely. At the moment, I wish anyone was here with me. I'm sat in the office, on my own, bored out of my tiny little evil-twin mind. Mostly I want my man, though. There's all sorts of office fantasies could be achieved this afternoon...

45. Done something today you shouldn't have?
I lied and was mean to someone today. But they totally deserved it. *righteous nod*

46. Do you hate anyone?
Yes, but it's a little futile hating her when I'm likely to never ever see her between now and the day I die. I don't care though, she's still the scum of the entire world.

47. Feel sorry for someone?
Every day, I see people that I feel sorry for.

48. Do you think everything is your fault?
I find it hard to believe sometimes that everything isn't my fault. That's what comes from living with bad paranoia.

49. How are you feeling right now?
I, too, am "ready to fucking rock". On a dance floor. I need to relax, major-league sty-lee.

50. Do you like anyone?
I like lots of people.

51. Do they like you?
Sure. I'm a likable gal. (seriously, these two questions are LAME)

52. Are you single?
Not even a little bit. I love it.

53. Happy about that?
Again: I LOVE IT.

55. Are you eating or drinking anything?
I wish I was tucking into a steaming hot bowl of spicy tomato pasta, but alas. I have only my collected saliva to sustain me for the next two hours.

56. Anything you always wear?
Jewellery: 3 earrings, 6 rings, 1 belly-button bar, 2 necklaces, 1 watch, 1 bracelet. Socks and pants, black eyeliner, and a smile ;)

57. Last song you heard?
Sixpence None The Richer - 'Kiss Me'. Again, on the radio.

58. Where are you?
In my office, in Pangbourne, in Berkshire, in England, in the UK, in Europe, in the Northern Hemisphere, on Earth. Over-explanation? It's been one of those days.

59. Kissed anyone in the past 24hrs?
Yesh. Big, sloppy, sexy kisses.

60. Ever thought you were going to die?
No, never. I've thought I should die a few times, but that was back when I was a moody teenager.

61. Where's your cell phone?
In my pocket.

62. Do you like the way you look?
Facially? It's ok. Physically? Not so much. Too much BIGness going on. But a certain someone doesn't seem to mind, so I guess I don't either ;)

63. What should you be doing?
Working... sorting out stock and getting some overdue letters in the post. Meh. They've waited this long, they can wait two more days.

64. Texting anyone currently? Who?
If I were texting someone right now, would I be able to type this? No. Don't ask such stupid questions.

65. Are you tired?
A little. But that'll change when I get home :D

66. Are you doing this because you're bored?
I'm doing this because it's better than what I should be doing.

67. Needing to tell someone something important?
I need to remember something until Monday so I can let someone know what happened in a situation here at work. But I doubt I'll manage it.

68. Planning on telling them?
Oh yeah, of course I'm planning on it... whether I remember to or not is another thing entirely.

69. Do you watch porn?
Sometimes. For the entertainment value, more than anything. Honest... *shifty look*

70. Do you watch it with your boyfriend/girlfriend?
I did once, years ago, but the video we rented was just so badly done that we laughed instead of... whatever else we were going to do.

7:17 AM - March 28, 2008 - comments {3} - post comment

Pd overload, and A World Gone Mad

I have 43 blog alerts.

26 of them are from pd.

Girl, do you REALLY have nothing better to do???

In other news, I heard on the news today that six common cold and virus medicines for children under the age of 2 have been permanently removed from shop shelves.

Why?

IN CASE THE CHILDREN OVERDOSE.

Seriously.

I mean, I know we apparently live in a "drug culture", but I'm fairly sure our toddlers are safe from shooting up.

Also, videogames are set to get cinema-like ratings, to prevent children from being exposed to extreme violence and adult situations. But porn on the internet, war documentaries, and the British media(!!!) are going to stay un-censored.

I'm so glad to know we've got our priorities straight.

12:52 PM - March 27, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Creepy Sleepy

My parents bought me a beautiful pair of really expensive white gold, star-shaped studs, each set with a real diamond, for Christmas last year.

I never EVER take them out, for fear of losing them. And also because they're a bitch to GET out. The star-points are, well, pointy. And the backs are really small. And I know you shouldn't start a sentence with 'and' but it's Sunday so I don't care.

So when I woke up this morning, brushed my hair back from my face and DIDN'T see that reassuring sparkle in the mirror, I was petrified. GONE! I thought. STOLEN RIGHT OUT OF MY F***ING EARS! was the next.

And then I looked at the chest of drawers next to the bed.

Sitting on top of my DS, happy as you like, were my earrings.

Apparently, I'd woken up in the middle of the night and REMOVED MY EARRINGS. Taken them out, layed them neatly on the side, and gone back to sleep.

Creepy.

8:47 AM - March 23, 2008 - comments {16} - post comment

I found my glasses!

Last night I went out with some girls from work because one of them was leaving, and I would like to personally thank the gods of Vodka and Sourz for not damning me with a hangover this morning. Oh, how I love being young. ^_^

So, what with it being a bank-holiday today, I woke up nice and early (8:30am). I can't do lie-ins, unless I'm being ripped apart from the gods of Hangover, so I like to get up, eat, mooch about the house a bit... oh no. After I'd finished my breakfast this morning my mother decided it was a marvellous day to empty some boxes of mine that have been sat in the loft for almost two years. They've been there that long, why bother? was my argument, but Mummy Dearest wasn't having it. So down they came.

I'm actually quite glad now that I DID open some of those boxes, because not only did I discover the photo-CD's of my trip to Australia, and my last day of school, as well as all my missing jewelery (and there's a LOT of that), I found my glasses! Huzzah! I haven't had an eye test in over two years, and I've been noticing recently that things seem to be a bit blurry when I look at them. So imagine my joy when I slipped on my snazzy maroon frames that I could see again! *does the happy dance of eyeball joy*

And so, because I'm feeling a little vain today and I promised Bebbet once upon a time that I would take a pic of the glasses if I ever found them, here is a picture of speccy moi. Enjoy.

I don't smile often in pictures - I get chubby hamster cheeks and stuff...

12:29 PM - March 21, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

Devonion Adventures

Our Devonion Adventures were somewhat delayed Friday morning when Tom discovered that he had a humungous crack in one of his wheels Thursday night, and that the only garage he could take it to that would repair it without emptying his bank account would take their sweet-ass time about the job. So, instead of leaving at 10am Friday as planned after picking up my brother and his girlfriend, we eventually set off at 3:30pm, full of chips and giggles.

Jack suggested I make a cheesy CD for the four hour journey, and I think I surprised even him with what I was able to dig up. I won't embarass myself by revealing the playlist, but let's just say that my brother and I have an appreciation for awful 90's pop music!

It took Tom almost three hours to lose his marbles over the cheesy music of doom, but he entertained himself (and us!) with his road Tourettes, and by insulting BMW drivers by calling them after various animal ladyparts (ie Badger's Quim, Fox's Box, Pigeon's Minge...).

We arrived, eventually, and booked into our luxurious, warm, glowy... four-berth caravan! Woo! Seriously, it was cold, and wet, and dark. But we didn't care, for we'd been on to Tesco and had mucho alcoholio. Cue drinking until the small hours.

Saturday - rain! Huzzah! So we go to Exeter, and get all squished and cramped in the medieval underground passages. Twenty five minutes down, how many more to go? Dinner was had at 'Tiger Bills' - a grill bar that is also a Thai restaurant. Very bizarre, and very delicious.
Saturday night went past pretty much the same way as Friday - vodka and beer and sourz - oh my!

Sunday - rain! Oh, wait, no! It's.... not raining! Off to Paignton Zoo. Take five steps into the "tropical rainforest" experience and get shat on by some exotic bird. Get text from Mum to say being shat on by birds is good luck. Am not sure about exotic birds, but think maybe I should get a Euromillions ticket. Dinner is in the Zoo restaurant - lamb rogan josh with rice for me and Steph, chilli con carne for Tom, and sausage and chips for Jack.
Sunday night... you guessed it! Drinky poos! Accompanied by episodes on't telly of CSI: New York and NCIS. Followed AGAIN by Bulletproof Monk, starring Sean William Scott. Although I think "starring" is a bit of a strong word. Fucking freezing tonight - gas fire on full blast AND extra duvets.

Monday - home time! Chocolate ice cream for breakfast because we forgot during the bone-numbing cold of Sunday night to eat it. Feel a bit sick. Off to Plymouth Aquarium to see some fishies. Not shat on by anything. Get some chips in the cafeteria and then away! to Reading. More cheesy choons on't stereo, and the BMW drivers are now referred to as Belgian Chocolate Ears.

All in all, a good weekend. I got to have some bonding time with my brother, got away from work for two (and a bonus half!) days, and got to share Tom's road Tourette's with other people.

Last weekend was bought to you by:
Jack's mishearing of a song lyric, leading to the phrase "Salman Rushdie wants a piece of the action"...
...Steph and mine's seahorse impressions...
...Tom's 'boys' and their new found escapism tricks...
...A take-away sign that offered 'chick king'...
...Randy peacocks not just showing their plumage to peahens, but also to seagulls, pigeons, giant tortoises...
...Mine and Steph's peahen impressions...
...and The Sun newspaper's mantra of "There's a pedophile in every bush, and a terrorist in every home, so here, have some tits!"

8:12 PM - March 18, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Some Random Twisty Facts of DOOOOOOOM!

I feel really uncomfortable sitting in a seat someone else has just vacated. It's that warmth on the chair that freaks me out. I keep wondering whether they farted and if I'm sitting in their old bum-gas residue.

I have a small lump of bone on the back of my neck which makes me look slightly humpbacked when I wear my hair tied back. No-one has ever noticed it, even though it's quite pronounced, which makes me wonder if it's all in my head...

I HATE being called Nikki (or whatever variation of spelling you can find), and yet when someone called me Nixxi in an email just now I found it incredibly cute. I think I'm sickening for something.

My left ear is lower than my right ear, and it's for this reason that I avoid going to the opticians. I know I'll never get out again without glasses, and I don't like the lopsided look I get when specs don't sit right on my funky-wonky ears.

I have a tall head. This fact was confirmed after I tried on 45,389,263 hats last Saturday.

After reading Deej's post about her first kiss, I thought about mine. And realised that I can remember every "first" kiss with every man (and the occasional woman) that I've ever locked lips with. Weird.

That is all.

5:25 PM - March 11, 2008 - comments {15} - post comment

Four Inches!

I have discovered, whilst on a recent shopping trip to Camden (that's in London, in case any of you Johnnie Foreigners didn't know), exactly how much I need to decrease in size in order to fit into the clothes I want.

I tried on a fantastic pair of loose black and white tartan trousers - I could get them up, but buttoning them and/or sitting down was out of the question. Gap between the button and corresponding hole? Two inches. That means I'd have to drop at least four in order to be comfy.

Then, the jacket of Beautiful Joy. I can't describe it in any way that doesn't make it sound weird, but it was like fake fluffy fur but really soft, and it looked like pheasant feathers - all mottled and cool. It was red and black in colour, and from under the bust to the hem, and around the cuffs, it was black patent leather with buckles of shiny goodness. I fell in love. The scary androgynous man in the shop helped me on with it, and it fit everywhere - in the arms, the back, the boobs... yay! Let's zip it up! Two inches gap. AGAIN.

I bought a leather skirt. It looked great when I held it up against my hips, and it looked like it would fit... the stall had no changing area, so I decided to wing it. Got home, pulled it on... yeah. If I pulled it up to almost my bra, then I could breathe, but my knickers would be on show at the front, and my entire bum would be hanging out. Pointless. *throws skirt on pile of things to try on after the Four Inches of Doom have been disposed of*

I also found a gorgeous t-shirt that fit wherever it touched, leaving me with the disconcerting feeling that I was slightly naked. Needless to say, I didn't buy it, cursing instead my four inches of surplus body.

But I did get a fork that is also a knife AND a spoon. And a Mushroomhead album for only £5.

9:15 PM - March 10, 2008 - comments {11} - post comment

Oh, the humanity!

Today, various people did and/or said various things to me that warranted a sharp slap round the face, followed by a fierce left hook and right uppercut.

First off: The Boss. I won't go into the details, but she did something pretty damned stupid today and then blamed it on me. Then DARED to make jokes about my minimum wage, after casually letting slip that she got a commission from her husband's staircase-making business of £1500. The bitch.

Then I get home, sit down, eat shepherd's pie, and completely ignore whatever it is my Dad's banging on about. Until he rants and raves that he was banging on about it to me (excuse me for thinking that it's courtesy to address the person you're talking to by name, or at least LOOK at them whilst talking), and that I'm typical of all young people for having no attention span whatsoever. I do too have an attention span, and almost all of it was being used to ferret out the peas from my shepherd's pie (in order to avoid mass vomiting on the carpet).

Then it's off to my Mum's sister's house, to wish a Happy Birthday to my cousin. She loves the CD and t-shirt we got her, and as my brother opens his big mouth on how "totally cool" my Uncle's new laptop is (a small notebook thing with Vista), the girls whip out their own lappies and begin the barrage of "we're better than you". Seriously. These girls are eleven and fourteen years of age, and yet they both have their own laptops and wide screen televisions. Daddy makes a lot of money selling Japanese koi carp, and he buys the affection of the daughters he rarely spends time with. Daddy's also a complete wanker, who uses his wealth to belittle my family and our council-owned house. He goes on about how his laptop cost him £1700, etc etc. Then he buggers off to sell fish.

Emma (the fourteen year old) is training to become a hairdresser, and wants to cut mine and my Mum's hair. In a straight line, across the bottom. I tell her there's no point - I'm aiming to get mine cut in a few weeks anyway. I neglect to add that I've been saying that since I last got my hair cut over a year ago. But Mum lets her chop off half an inch or so of her hair, and she's satiated. For the time being. Give her half an hour, and she's tugging at my hair tie, begging me to let her french-plait my hair. Screw it, i think. I'm 22 and I've never had my hair french-plaited - why not? She does the business (I hate every second - I can't stand people playing with my hair), brings me a mirror, and... great. I look about twelve. Even my Aunt reckons I'll have trouble getting into bars if I keep my hair like that.

Oh, and someone who was going to email me back never did, and that pisses me off because I spend time checking my mail only for it to come up with "0 New Messages, You Loser" every time.

Somebody bring me a punchbag! I NEED TO VENT!

10:30 PM - March 6, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Dear Confidante.

Where did you go?
All those times we'd trade secrets into the wee hours, gone like so many whispered words on the breeze.
I used to look forward to our chats, to unloading my stresses and taking on yours. They always felt so much lighter.
Laughing at the way your cigarette smoke would make lewd pictures on it's way to the ceiling, and how you'd forgetfully drop fag-ash on your favourite shirt.

Now I sit here by myself, staring at this blue screen as if its serenity alone could calm the turmoil of heart and mind.

The hours we spent talking about nothing at all, whispering phone calls so as not to wake the household.
The way you made me laugh until I forgot what it was I'd found so uproariously funny in the first place.
The way you cared about every small thing that upset me, like an overprotective brother.

I miss you.
I sit here with my thoughts, and no-one to vent them to, and I miss you.

5:07 PM - March 3, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

Everything Blends.... except Chuck Norris!

Willitblend.com has given me hours of entertainment on boredom-filled days, with Tom Dickinson blending everything from glow sticks to an iPhone, but today I saw the absolute bes Will It Blend? video ever.

We've really been struggling to find something that could challenge the Total Blender's blending capabilities. What could we blend that's stronger than anything we've ever blended? Then it hit us like a roundhouse kick to the face...Chuck Norris!

Will it blend? That is the question...

10:57 AM - March 1, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

Something Ain't Right.

I feel like I'm held together by much-masticated chewing gum. I'm just not sticky anymore. Things are... tense. I'm tense.

I don't think I'm quite with it.
I didn't sleep well last night. I was a rose, opening and closing, opening and closing, and I just couldn't get my rhythm down, couldn't get that pattern going. I had to keep changing colours, which didn't help, and everytime someone else woke up, I woke up.

Make sense? Nope, me neither.

My arms don't feel real. My legs feel a hundred years old, and on the verge of collapse. I had to sit in the loo for five minutes today because I wanted to scream for no apparent reason. I managed to hold it back, though. Good thing, too, else I think I'd still be screaming now.

I'm made of a hundred polystyrene balls, each one flaking off into the wind.
Having an Ugly Duckling day, as well as a "you're not even human, you weirdo" day.

I'm disturbed by the amount of death in the news recently. The Bridgend suicides, and how quiet they're being kept. The "Suffolk Strangler", and the evidence that doesn't quite add up. Mark Dixie and his "I didn't realise she was dead" routine. It should be normal by now - I should be used to hearing this litany of evil day in, day out. But I'm not. And today it just didn't. feel. REAL.

I've been thinking a lot about time-travel, about the possibilities of running into yourself in the future. As far as I can make out, it's pretty slim. Which could describe why today I've had a complete deja-vu overload. I'm in the future, and I've lived all this before. That's why nothing feels real.

*nod* It HAS to be. What the hell else is going on otherwise?

8:37 PM - February 25, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

MY new song fixation! :P

I was just over at Pixie's place, listening to her current song fixation, and I just had to post mine.

8:37 PM - February 22, 2008 - comments {9} - post comment

A VERY strange phone call.

My phone rang the other night, while I was sleeping, and like a fool I woke up and answered it. This is the resultant conversation:

Me: *sleepy* Hello?
He: *heavy breathing* Is this Tammy?
Me: Sorry... who??
He: I'm so hot for you right now... I'm wanking off so hard...
Me: *staring at the phone* ...what??...
He: Ohh yeah... oh I wanna lick you so bad *fapfapfap*
Me: Uh... who are you?
He: Ohhhhhhhh *fapfapfap*
Me: Uh, listen mate, I think you got the wrong number...
He: *breathless* Oh...*fap* oh shit, *fapfap* shit!
*phone goes dead*

Seriously. That actually happened. I don't know who he was (number withheld), and the only Tammy I know is a cat I put down 10 years ago. He sounded Northern... north-west ish, maybe Sheffield or somewhere like that.

How did he get my number? Who the hell is Tammy? And more importantly. what should I do if he calls again???

11:12 PM - February 19, 2008 - comments {24} - post comment

Start Wearing Purple

I first saw Gogol Bordello on Later with Jools Holland, and I thought they were pretty good. Gypsy punk, with accordions and tinkly instruments, and a divine heavily accented vocalist, they were never going to make it in today's music industry, but they were refreshing.

Then I heard one of their tracks whilst in a club a few weeks back, and I was rocked. Well and truly. I think they might even be my new favourite band of the moment. So, I'd like to share with you. Here it is, ladies and gents, the wonderfully off-beat and completely fabulous Start Wearing Purple.

7:01 PM - February 17, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

Valentine Shmalentine

So, yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I made an arse of it AGAIN. Tom and I have been together for two years, and this is our third Valentine's together, so you'd think we'd know eachother well enough to do it right. Do we 'eck as like.

I've always said I don't like Valentine's. I don't like the commercialism, the pressure to shower your loved ones with tacky gifts, the whole pink-ness of it all (shut up Bebbet)... and so when Tom agrees with me, we promise not to make a fuss. Only... I'm female, and so when I say don't make a fuss, what I really mean is "treat me like a princess!", which isn't fair on him because he's only a man, and therefore doesn't understand diddly squat about the complex inner workings of a female brain.

the complex inner workings of a female brain, yesterday

7:46 AM - February 15, 2008 - comments {12} - post comment

Neighbourhood

I was reminded yesterday of this fantastic song by Space. Anyone remember them?

10:15 AM - February 9, 2008 - comments {4} - post comment

Stoled From Deej: A Meme.

Meme time! Yay!

MOUTHOLOGY

Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
I generally don't eat salad, but when I do I just have it plain.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
It's gross, but McDonalds. I think I'm addicted to the opiates in the cheese.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A toss up between Carluccio's (Italian), and Xen (Indian, Japanese and Thai)

Q. On average how much of a tip do you leave at a restaurant?
No idea... sometimes it's spare coins, sometimes I work it out from the bill.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Galaxy chocolate... it's true! I'm so female!

Q. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Spicy chicken, green peppers, red peppers... oh, and lots of garlic :D

Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
Nothing. I don't really eat toast. If I ever do, it's white bread only toasted on one side. Mmmmm....

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A photo I took of the Colosseum I took when Tom and I were in Rome

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
Four. Living room, parent's room, brother's room, my room.

Q. What kind of cell phone do you have?
Samsung E330.

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right handed, but I can do the odd thing with my left better.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
*checks* uh... nope! Everything present and accounted for.

Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Boxes of brochures at work. Those things are damned heavy!

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Yes. Once. Sex game gone... not bad, as such. Just weird.


BULL[CRAP]OLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I think I would, yes. So I could get as much done as I wanted to in the time I had left. But then I don't think that the date of any one person's death is set in stone.

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
As soon as my Mum told me I was almost named either Saskia, Anoushka, or Leoni, I've wanted those names.

Q. What color looks good on you?
A. Blue, sometimes green.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
When I was little I think I swallowed a button... some coins... maybe a Barbie shoe... But since stopping chewing on random crap, I've not swallowed any non-food item by mistake. I may've swallowed some on purpose though. :P

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
No, but I know how to!

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
Nah. I've never been nearly deaded. Apart from in dreams.

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
Yeah, sure. Only if Tom was ok with it though. I don't go around just kissing anyone y'know... that kinda thing breaks relationships.

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
I think it'd depend on whether I really badly wanted the money. If I had no immediate use for it other than spending it on useless garbage, then no. But otherwise, why not? I don't need the little bastards that much.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
No. Unless, again, I desperately needed that amount of cash. Which I can't see ever happening unless I get hooked on smack and indebted to The Mob or something.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
No one wants to see my fleshy butt on the cover of their daily read. I wouldn't pose naked for any amount of cash.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
I don't like hot sauce.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
Only if there was an absolute guarantee that I'd never be caught, and the person in question really REALLY deserved it.

(Question: why do all the dares have to be made for money? I've done weirder things than all of the above for nothing more than giggles. It's not really a dare if you're getting paid...)

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket?
All I've got on is a dressing gown... no pock- oh. There ARE pockets. *checks* I have some crumbs. Wanna share?

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
Carpet all over, apart from linoleum in the hallway, kitchen and bathroom.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Why would you sit in the shower??

Q: Could you live with roommates?
Probably. It's whether they could live with ME that is the real question...

Q: How many pairs of flipflops do you own?
None. I hate them. HATE THEM!

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Not really a run-in, as such. I called them out when I got mugged a couple of years ago. That's the last dealings I've had with them.

Q: Who is number 2 on your top 8
You mean MySpace? A friend of mine in Cairns, name of Timmy.

Q: Last friend you talked to?
I was texting James yesterday, but face to face I can't remember. I don't see people that often.

Q: Last person who called you?
Tom I think.

Q: Person you hugged?
Tom in bed this morning.

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone?
This is getting more and more like a MySpace quiz... yes. I miss everyone I like that isn't here right now.

Q: Mood?
Pre-menstrual. Too much? Fuck you.

Q: Listening to?
The hum of Tom's PC as he downloads... *checks* Viva Pinata, an old tv show called Lexx, and a collection of Stephen King movies.

Q: Watching?
Myself typing..?

Q: Worrying about?
What to have for breakfast. Or, indeed, whether I'm going to get to HAVE breakfast today. Also Deej and Dante, for different reasons. I spend too much time worrying about other people.

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning?
In real life: The bathroom.
In my dreams: Through the Stargate with a mix of SG-1 and the Atlantis team, only to fight a rabid girl with a baseball bat and get myself shot. Then we ate chickens that had swallowed tiny little Orcas.

Q: What do you want to do right now?
Eat breakfast, and possibly have some hot hot lovin'.

Q. What's the last movie you saw?
New movie: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. Don't bother, it's crap.
Old movie: Independance Day. It was on telly.

Q. Do you smile often?
Everyday, at the penis-plant in my bathroom.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
Most of the time. Sometimes I'm psycho-bitch-from-hell, but that's only on REALLY bad days.

7:14 AM - February 8, 2008 - comments {0} - post comment

Thoughts For Today

I'm listening to my mother make a bed in the next room, as she's watching some medical drama. I think a nurse just got stabbed or something, because she's groaning and screaming in a terrified way (the nurse, not my mum), but I can only hear it over the creaking of the bed as my mum tucks in the sheets. It sounds like some freaky porno.

My hair looks like crap today, and I was conscious of it all day. I felt like a tramp, and I didn't like it. I hate people seeing my hair when it feels horrible. It's a bit shallow, but I usually have nice hair.

I ate some nummy pancakes today, and I think they contained tiny pearls of wisdom. I know they weren't tiny pearls of anything else, because it is practically impossible for a woman to put tiny pearls of something else in anything. I only mention the wisdom thing because I just spoke (well, typed) the following words to Dante:

8:41 PM - February 5, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

If you like it so much, why don't you go live there?

Tom has introduced me to a fantastic little Internetual gem this weekend.
Of course, he showed me it weeks ago but I don't think I was paying attention, so I claim the discovery as now.

"spEak You're bRanes" (their spelling, not mine) is the title of a website run by a man dedicated to highlighting the morons, idiots, and all-round dickcheeses of this country (and occasionally out of the UK, too) who will insist on posting their mindless views on the BBC News website's 'Have Your Say' section. And he posts some amusing responses, too.

The "About" box reads:
A collection of ignorance, narcissism, stupidity, hypocrisy and bad grammar.
All the comments quoted were found on the BBC "Have Your Say" site. Yes, people really have written them. On purpose as far as I can tell.

The site:
www.ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com

And for all those people who would complain that not EVERYONE who writes in to Have Your Say is a complete moron... BBC: Have Your Say. Click any article's link in the center column to read the comments.

(P.S. Dante... enjoy!)

7:14 AM - February 4, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem

*Warning: I'd like to say there are spoilers, but there can't be a single person out there who doesn't know what to expect from this film*

Do you like your films...
Lacking a storyline?
Shot in almost pitch-blackness?
Filmed by a cameraman in the severe grip of Alzheimers?
Then this film is for you.

Basic plot?
Predator crash lands, dies, some facehuggers and hybrid Alien/Predator escape. Breed. Alarm goes off on Predator homeworld, Damage Control comes to investigate. Lots of flashy, shaky-camera action. Director forgets to tell anyone to light the set. Aliens and Predator battle it out all over town, and some humans that very inconsiderately live in said town get in the way quite a lot, and are annihilated by the monsters.
Oh, and at some point some survivors make a mad dash to the hospital, to "Get To Da Choppah!". Then the Government (who "don't lie to people!", according to one dappy bird), nuke the town, incinerating the monsters in their final death-scene battle. End of film.

There was a rather amusing bit of dialogue towards the end, where those people in Da Choppah manage to escape the nuclear blast, only to crash land and get surrounded by military types:
Hero: You nuked our town!
Military Type: We were just following orders...
Hero: Oh, right. Well, my brother needs a medic.

.....Because all that anger and rage would just dissipate once you found out they were Only Following Orders, right? And of course, even though those orders meant they wiped out your town, there's no chance of them killing you four survivors, is there? Apparently not.

Oh, and some government bloke gave part of Predator's shoulder-cannon to a Ms Yutani. Apparently that part's important.

So... Basically it was rubbish. There was lots of gore, not that much of it was visible in the complete blackness. It would appear that the producers spent their money on fake-blood and special effects, rather than plot and dialogue. Meh. Some of the people I went with really enjoyed it, so who am I to judge?

I'm me, that's who. And this film is bollocks.

8:58 AM - January 29, 2008 - comments {13} - post comment

Tuesday Observations

Clouds are trawling across the sky like the dirty exhaust fumes of giant sky machines. It feels like summer, and looks like rain. I'm sure that's a song lyric, but I don't know why.

Jeremy won't be havng a brother or sister any time soon - his sibling-to-be is proving to take longer in his/her formation. Considerably more painful, too. There will definitely be a scar.

I've been playing The Longest Journey for five hours, and have only just figured out how to make April run, and not walk *slaps head*. The graphics are annoying me, but I love the realism in the character's interactions with eachother. Still can't quite figure out why there are so many references to the 20th and 21st centuries, when it's set in 2209.

My guts are not thanking me for the manic romping session Tom and I enjoyed last night. I feel like everything south of my stomach has been excavated by a rusty JCB. Still, it was worth it.

I randomly threw up on whilst walking through town today. It wasn't much, and I was easily able to hold it in my mouth until there were no people and just spit into some bushes. It's just weird though, that I should hurl for no apparent reason.

The knickers I chose to wear today were far too tight, and caused all kinds of majorly uncomfortable problems whilst walking. But they must have made my bum look good through my jeans, because a random girl grabbed my arse as she walked past earlier on. On getting home, I quickly exchanged style for comfort.

Back to work tomorrow. I REALLY don't want to go. Still, only two and a half days of the grind before I get another few days holiday.

1:35 PM - January 22, 2008 - comments {10} - post comment

Scabs!

I have an unhealthy fixation with scabs. It's... well it's disgusting, really, but I don't particularly care. I don't eat them or anything gross like that, but I will get extremely itchy fingers if I see someone with a big scab on them somewhere. I'll want to pick it.

See, I told you. Disgusting. It's bad enough to pick one's own scabbies, let alone getting your fingernails underneath someone else's. Luckily enough (or not, depending how you look at it), I have eczema. Which means I have an abundance of itchy, dry skins cells which, if scratched at too hard, turn into big scabbies. Yay!

Yeah. Disgusting. I try not to pick them, because then they spread, and it's bad enough having scaly shins, without other areas making me look like the demon offspring of Godzilla, or something.

Anyway, the point of this was that I got mortally wounded by a door on Tuesday, and yesterday I deemed the resultant scab ready for plucking. Imagine my joy and wonderment when the whole thing came off in one big strip! Woo! Unfortunately Tom wouldn't let me keep Jeremy (the wonderscab), and I can't share a picture of the dreaded wound either, because I have a wonderfully shitty phone camera. So you'll just have to take my word for it. *nodnod*

9:23 AM - January 20, 2008 - comments {15} - post comment

I Are The Omega Beast!

Your Monster Profile

Omega Beast You Feast On: Fried Twinkies You Lurk Around In: Las Vegas You Especially Like to Torment: Dentists

What's Your Monster Name?

1:24 PM - January 19, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Boredom, Internetual Failure, and Hard Gay Cooking.

Is anybody out there??

*listens for echoes*

Ok, I'm seriously bored. Seriously. Bored. Lacking in conversation... apart from Dante, who is currently saving my addled little brain by talking to me over MSN.

Lacking in a stable internet connection. Been trying for the past three hours to create a new design for my page, only to discover, after all my hard work, that converting what is a lovely picture in an unfortunate shade of pink into a lovely picture in a deep and gorgeous shade of purple is NOT going to happen, because Photoshop is GAY! GAY I TELL YOU!!! *breathe...*

On the subject of gay, Tom just showed me this video, and I almost wet myself with both laughter and slight embarassment. This kind of thing would never happen in England. Ladies and Gentlemen, please enjoy some Hard Gay Cooking:

12:56 PM - January 19, 2008 - comments {18} - post comment

Quote Of The Day

I finally finished season three of Stargate Atlantis last night, and started on season four. Somewhere in the middle of all that lot, the following quote tickled me so much that I've been giggling over it all day.



Lt. Col. John Sheppard to Dr. Radek Zelenka and Dr. Rodney McKay, arguing pointlessly as the city of Atlantis is attacked by a Replicator satellite:

"Why don't you two just make out and be done with it?"

5:06 PM - January 15, 2008 - comments {19} - post comment

Don't Miss Me

I don't know when I'll next blog, so this be a warning to y'all.

I've had a seriously awful time the last few days, and I've sunk so low emotionally that I actually had that horrid thought of "what if I just wasn't here anymore...?". If it was an ego-based mood, I could deal. Y'know, the one where the big scary monster hunts you for hours until he finally finds you and delivers the long and tortuous death, followed by eating. But this... is just like everything's switched off. There's a big scary monster still, but it doesn't really care who/what it kills and eats. I feel like plankton.

So, I'll still be around everyday to comment and stuff, but I might be a little quiet on the blogging front.

Take care.

7:36 AM - January 14, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

Ark Of Truth. Or: Yay!

8:35 AM - January 13, 2008 - comments {6} - post comment

Clicky clicky CLICK!

There isn't a subject to this post, but I DO like the sound this keyboard makes when I type. I used to sit and stare in complete wonderment whenever the teacher at my primary school typed anything on a computer (back in the days when the type was green on black, and you had to call up the C:/ and everything), watching her fingers fly across the keys like a wizard or something. I thought she was just magic. It doesn't stop being magic, even if you know how it's done.

I read Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett this week in four hours. Four hours! I know I read fast, but that's a record even for me. OK, so it's not a long book, but still. It usually takes me at least a fortnight of lunchbreaks and train journeys to read a book, and this one was all done and dusted in just two days! Bonus! At this rate, I'll have finished the trio of books I got from Bebbet for Christmas by next Wednesday. Three down, eleven to go... I think people have cottoned on to the idea that I really do ENJOY reading. My family isn't overly... what's the word? Damn, I can't remember. But it means that we don't generally go in for the whole Knowledge thing. My Dad went to Grammar school, but that's about the extent of it. My 10 year old cousin and I are the only readers at all. Seriously. Her 15 year old sister actually laughed at me when I asked her the last time she read a book for fun. She's only ever read ONE book in her whole life, and that was for school. I can't understand the mentality of people who don't like to read. There's far much more imagination in books than there is in television.

I'm very aware of my breasts today. I don't know if it's just the t-shirt I'm wearing, but they just seem to be more... there. Like some kind of mountainous uprising overnight. They've gotten in the way more times than they generally would in a day, and they've also been more helpful than I would ordinarily find them. I'm a little worried that they might be trying to take over my body. Luckily for the rest of me, I don't own any tops that are cut low enough for them to have the attention they apparently crave. I think it's because I went bra shopping on Saturday last week, and discovered that I'm not the size I thought I was. No. It would appear that my norks have actually grown, a bit. I'm filling the cup completely where I had a bit of a gap before, and according to the woman in the changing room who gave me a bit of advice, the wires are supposed to go quite far under your arms, which actually means I need to go up a cup size. I'm up a back size too, but that's because I'm getting fat. Ok, FATTER. So, I've managed to go from a 36D to a 38DD. God, that's frightening written down. *shudder*

So that's my typing, my books, and my boobs. I think that'll do for now.

*wanders off to find some cheeeeeeesecake*

5:12 PM - January 11, 2008 - comments {15} - post comment

More Bizarr-o Dreams

No less than four times last night, I woke up with the horrible body-wracking feeling that I'd overslept. My alarm is due at 06:30am. I woke at 05:30, 05:32, 05:34, and 05:36. UTTERLY convinced I was late. So when the alarm finally did go off, I rolled over and went back to sleep. Woops.

But before this, was the Curious Incident of the Stud in the Living Room.

When I was thirteen years old, I had a healthy crush on a boy in my class who was considered by most of the girls in my year group to be a complete and utter stud. Dark complexion, dark eyes, floppy brown hair... he melted us all. Unfortunately he was never interested in me, something I just couldn't understand back then. I've since looked back at the photographic evidence, and it's painfully obvious now. Yowch. I've definitely become better looking with age. Anywho. This guy. He was in my class until he dropped out at 16, and I had a crush on him for most of that time. So imagine my surprise when he turns up in my dream last night, professing to have been madly in love with me all through school, to the point where he had to leave in order to be able to deal with the sheer strength of his unrequited feelings for me.

I was more than a little gobsmacked. I was also a bit miffed that he seemed to be perpetually sweaty, like one of those Diet Coke guys straight off the building site. It was doubly weird that Tom was in the room when he said all this, and didn't appear to be bothered in the slightest. That's just not Tom-like behaviour. I told Kenny to stop being stupid, that we were just kids then, and to go back to his room (since when he had a room in my house, I do not know). He did so, and came back with twelve red roses for me. I set them on fire and for some reason this made him smile, all misty eyed. He left. I tried apologising to Tom, who still didn't give a rat's arse what Kenny had said to me, and then went to Kenny's room with the intention of apologising for burning his roses.

On getting there, he ushered me into his bed, turned off the light and left the room, never to return. Confused? So was I. That was when the urgent wake-up calls started. Strangely enough most of them seemed to come from this faceless guy who I somehow knew to be Birdsnest.

I'm thinking of taking a tranq before bed tonight, in order to avoid more freaky dreams...

9:36 PM - January 8, 2008 - comments {5} - post comment

Officially Old?

When I was ikkle (yes I know I'm still ikkle... I mean ikkler than I am now), this time of year always bummed me out in a big way. Christmas was over, the presents were no longer new and shiny, and all the decorations had to come down. Dusty baubles and limp tinsel, pine needles all over the floor. Sometimes I even cried to see the big Santa go back in his box.

So when we took our decs down last weekend, why didn't I care? Maybe it was because I didn't actually have an active part in the stripping of the festive cheer, or maybe because I'm just too old to enjoy Christmas the way I used to. I know at 22 I'm younger than most of you who'll read this, but I feel like an old Scrooge.

This thought upsets me. I've already lost Easter (just an excuse to buy a lot of overpriced chocolate), and it's been a couple of years since I got properly excited about my birthday. Yes yes, I know I bombard this place with reminders and jittery posts, but I can't remember the last time I was actually sick with excitement. And no, Bebbet, painting the toilet cubicle with a technicolour yawn last year does NOT count.

Even Santa managed to get away without a frown even crossing my face.

Am I too old for Christmas?

5:15 PM - January 8, 2008 - comments {8} - post comment

...and we're back!

A big ha-ha to everyone who jumped ship in the last couple of days. I was goaded into joining Vox this morning and no sooner had I completed the registration info than I received an email from Birdsnest. A simple four word statement, purely reading "EFX2 is back up". So I officially have a holiday home, but like a lot of real-life ones it is largely unfurnished, and more of a showboat.

I'd also like to shake my fist in a frustrated manner at EFX, for swallowing my thoughtful and in-depth post on why I blog during the interval. A piece that was posted a full 24hours before we went down. Bastards.

I'm glad we're back on though. I'd started to get blogsweats, and shaky hands.

8:19 PM - January 6, 2008 - comments {15} - post comment

Doin' my Duty for Meme and Country

So this old chesnut is going around again, with a few tweaks here and there. You know the score by now: Add your name to the comments, and I'll fill in the following about you:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavour of pies to throw at you.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to me.
5. I'll tell you my first thought of you.
6. I'll tell you what colour you should be to match your persona.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. I'll determine whether you're air, earth, fire, water.
9. I'll tell you what your nickname should be.
10. I'll tell you what cartoon character you remind me of.

I'm likin' the last question, especially because of the strange but flattering characters others have given me: Jessica Rabbit, Lara Croft... and for some reason, Amy Wong (the Martian girl from Futurama, in case you didn't know). Go me!

7:12 AM - January 3, 2008 - comments {14} - post comment

The Holiday That Was...

...Christmas and New Year with Twisty!

I lost myself completely over the holidays in various evil Nintendo devices of doom, so I apologise for my tardiness and thank all of you chatty bastards for the reams of posts I've had to catch up on (especially Manon [or 'lil pd' to some] who apparently needs to post ALL THE TIME *mockingly shakes fist*). The evil baby-killing, brain-frying waves that emanate from the Nintendo Wii have had me in such a arm-numbing trance that I seem to have left my blogging mojo upon a shelf to die.

*cradles sick and diseased mojo, crooning softly* I'm so sorry little guy, it's just... the colours were so pretty...

So what've I been doing? Well, all sorts really. After Christmas Day festivities were over and done with my Dad and I got down to the serious business of shopping at B&Q (big UK hardware store) for paint and shelving and other bedroom decorating equipment. I had to rescue him from the clutches of several low-priced sheds (all men over a certain age harbour a strange and deep-rooted desire to own at least two sheds, and fill them with middle-aged male nonsense) that were clamouring for his attentions, and bring him back to the task at hand, which was to carry some lovely big tins of bright green paint for his darling daughter.

As a result, I've FINALLY (after almost two years of living here) decorated my bedroom to MY taste, and have only got an extra bookcase or two to shop for. Yay! Bright, or what "B&Q FUNKY COLOURS MATT" calls 'grasshopper' green walls, maple furniture, burgundy curtains... gorgeous, no?

After that came New Year's Eve, which saw Tom and I roll ourselves down to the pub to meet a coupla friends, and on to a club we spend most Friday nights "partying on down" at, during which the Night of the Secret Piss was born.
Night of the WHAT?? I hear you cry! That's right. Secret Piss. The story starts with Tom trying to take a piss in the toilets only to be interrupted by some weird bloke who kept wanting to talk to him while they were both holding their cocks (not eachother's, I hasten to add). Darling Thomas turned to said weirdo, held his finger to his lips (I hope he washed his hands first, dirty bastard) and whispered "Shh! It's a Secret Piss". He was tickled by it enough that he decided to approach all our friends in the same way, telling them all to "Shh!"... Of course, the next sensible (read: drunken) step to take was to photograph him and different friends in the "shh!" pose, followed by accosting any random bugger that walked by and getting them to pose for the camera. The result? A veritable plethora of photos of people shh-ing, loaded onto Facebook for general consumption.

...and that brings us up to date. I'm back at work after ten days off, only to discover my boss has done NONE of my daily 'chores', so I've got to play catch-up for the next coupla days because she's a lazy bitch. I've also bitten the bullet and am in the process of cleaning out my wardrobe. It's heart-breaking to watch the pile of clothes going to Oxfam grow taller and taller on my bed, but I keep telling myself I'll feel so much better when I'm done. I'll also be cold and naked, by the looks of it.

*clutches onto a pair of too-small tartan trousers* NO! I won't let you go!

I WILL lose weight this year, and I WILL get back into some of my favourite stuff. I WILL!

Oh, and I fully intended to smush all the photos into one big collage-y thing, but I couldn't be bothered sifting and resizing, so there. Ner ner to you.

Happy New Year everyone!

9:08 PM - January 2, 2008 - comments {7} - post comment

To All of You This Season...

2:07 PM - December 25, 2007 - comments {4} - post comment

Castle Insania

The following is a dream I had yesterday, in which I was sent completely batshit by a ruined castle. Analysis, please?

Swirling mists obscure the castle proper, making the ruined structure seem whole again, it's crumbling stonework seeming only hidden, and not vanished. I know it like I know the colours of my eyes, every wall and archway, ever climbing staircase. Creeping through the gloom, I skirt the limestone walls, one hand on the cool surface, the other held to my side, gleaming treasures grasped in my fist. My heart races, my run to the castle has left me breathless, but I am not ready to rest just yet.

Faint music reaches my ears as I round the partial archway into the courtyard. The orange glow of the hog-spit is the first thing I see, the beast slowly turning over licking flames, its skin crisp and golden. Dancers and gymnasts criss-cross the worn square, trailing silken colours like rainbows in their wake. On the periphery of my vision I see my friends gathered around me, hands outstretched as though to bring me to them. I let my treasures drop to the flagstones, wincing at the clang and clatter that reverberates around the enclosed court. I am led away, a willing captive.

I am scowling in the mirror as my costume is tightened for the second time that morning.

Later in the day and I am slowly going mad. The colours of the castle walls make my mind ache, and I revolve continuously in the courtyard, much to the amusement of those gathered. The lines I haven't said whisper across the stage as desperate prompts, but I'm not listening. I'm watching the walls growing, rebuilding, the ancient cracks fading, the colours becoming more vibrant, more real. I'm running, and I know they are chasing me. Insanity appears to hit me like a brick to the face and I'm completely within it's thrall as I dash through the gardens, scattering groups of revellers. Beer and wine soaks my period dress, my hair is flying free of it's clasps and ribbons. Fear is upon me.

I wake laying in the grass, treasures in hand. I see the castle ahead, the mist gathering menacingly about it's broken walls. I feel myself walking back to the courtyard, and my mind screams the warning I failed to heed first time around. Something within the walls of that castle has driven me to distraction, and I try to flee it once more, but it's pull is too strong, and I am sucked in again and again, running until my entire body seems to explode in the summer heat.

8:21 PM - December 18, 2007 - comments {43} - post comment

Christmas Meal of Absolute Joy!

After mentioning my Christmas meal with Tom and his parents in my last post, I just HAD to elaborate. Oh gods. Oh divine and blessed gods, to bestow upon us lowly mortals such a gift of deliciousness. Let me bless you all, in turn, with the menu of divinity. Dishes in white signify my personal choices.

11:01 PM - December 16, 2007 - comments {7} - post comment

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas...

...or at least it WOULD be, if only my Dad would get off his gods-damned high horse and stick a couple of flamin' drawing pins in the walls.

"Can't put things on the walls, it'll ruin the paper!!!!" *clutch heart, faint, die*

It's PAINT. A couple of fucking pin-prick holes at the top of the walls is not going to turn our front room into a bombsite! So, decorations now amount to a couple of hanging things (they're allowed, because there were already nails in the walls), some old tree lights strung from a floor lamp, and the most gods-awful, shittiest tree I have ever seen.

Now I'm used to shitty trees. We never had much cash when my brothers and I were growing up, and we had the same crappy old fake tree for YEARS. Then my parents saw sense, chucked the abomination, and bought real trees for a coupla years, even though the cat climbed up them and knocked them down a few times a week. There were coloured lights, baubles, lametta, crystal reindeer and all the tacky beauties of Christmas past hung on our tree. I even made a star out of holographic wrapping paper and a cereal box.

So, this year, I was all excited about putting up the tree with my folks, getting the Christmas CDs out and having a little celebration... but NO. Tom's parents wanted to take us out to dinner (oh gods, what a beautiful dinner), so I left the decorations up to the parents.

I get home, stuffed full of the most gorgeous dinner this side of the pearly gates, and smile. Bells in the hallway, cards strung around the door... a real grotto. Enter the living room... what? Where are the decorations? And what the hell is that rubbish old thing in the corner? Oh? Your new Christmas tree? What a fucking load of pap. They've only gone and bought an ugly as sin fibre optic tree. Fibre fucking optic. The devil's Christmas tree, in all it's gaudy glory. There aren't even any fucking baubles! "They're too big" exclaims Mother. Big? BIG?? We've had smaller trees than that monstrosity before now, and they've always been a fine size! What, did they mutate over the last twelve months into head-sized baubles of doom??

I'm disgusted. And to top it off there are no other decorations in the room, other than a 12" tall Santa in a white robe. Plus the two things on already-existing hooks. No tinsel around the picture frames, no lights on the tree (other than the shitty ones already spazzing out on there)... I swear, I'm never going out for dinner on Tree Day again. EVER.

10:30 PM - December 16, 2007 - comments {6} - post comment

Trace Memory

This is the danger of having a Nintendo DS Lite: cute games. Fortunately for the companies that produce said tidbits of frustrating joy, I'm a big fan. I recently spent an entire weekend completing Hotel Dusk: Room 215, and thanks to Tom legally acquiring (read: downloading onto an M3 DS Simply card) a veritable plethora of gaming delight, I'm now on to it's sister-game, Trace Memory.

Truth be told, I've already completed this game once. But I didn't get the "good" ending, the ending in which my ghost-friend "D" gets all his memories back and passes on from haunting the place he died for 57 years. Yes, it's that cute. So I'm playing it step-by-step the way the walkthrough tells me to, because it's annoying me that I didn't get the ending I wanted. I got all attached to "D", in that sad way I have.

The following is from IGN's review of the game, the total of which you can read here.
"Trace Memory follows the story of Ashley Robbins, a 13 year old girl who's been living life under the impression that her father's been dead for 10 years. The day before her 14th birthday, however, she's faced with a shock of shockers: not only is her father alive, she's been invited to meet with him on a mysterious island. When her aunt goes missing after landing on this island, the adventure begins."

It's a very basic, very linear point-and-click experience. It doesn't challenge in the same way Hotel Dusk did - there's no "punishment" for doing things wrong in-game, the dialogue is strained and at times exceedingly annoying, and despite forcing the player ("gamer" is a little strong for this) to backtrack through the mansion in order to pick up previously unavailable items that are now pivotal to the continuity of the plot, it barely lasts five hours straight. In fact, in the walkthrough I read, the guy who'd written it managed to do it in half that time.

But none of this is my point. My point is this: I love it. I'm far too OCD to be playing these devil-may-care games. I need something that tells me what to do, and when to do it. Puzzle games. Point and Click. Platformers. Simple, yet challenging. I can't even play sodding Super Mario because I get all anal about exploring every damned section of the level, only to die once the time runs out. I thought maybe I could do RPGs, get myself into NeverWinter Nights or Guild Wars or something, but nooooo. So much to explore! So much to see! I'd never get anywhere.

So here I am. Hopelessly addicted to a dying genre. Luckily for me Nintendo seem to like cutesy, puzzle-filled games. THIS is why I didn't buy a PSP.

8:10 PM - December 11, 2007 - comments {12} - post comment

A Sporking Accident, New Shoes (kinda), and Christmas... BP.

Today I found a spork, and by some miraculous coincidence that did not at all involve me being in any kind of blind rage whatsoever, nearly embedded it in my boss's brain.

Because I'm in a happy mood today, a happy go lucky, sappy go fucky mood that does not revolve at all around wanting to maim, kill, and/or desecrate. Neither am I in any kind of physical, mind-numbing pain. No, not me.

Blogging has taken a little back burner to other, more important things... like playing Rayman on my DS, and FINALLY finishing Stargate SG-1 after watching it back-to-back, original-film-to-season-ten, over the last two years. And shoes. SHOES!

I've went shopping, and almost bought myself some shoes :D Purty shoes! They're going to be my BP shoes. Wanna see?

8:44 PM - December 4, 2007 - comments {21} - post comment

The Twisty Guide to Solving England's Problems.

There's been an amazing amount of completely idiotic solutions floating around the English media recently, and all of them come directly from our farcical government. It astounds me that the men and women who run this country can be so thick when it comes to "what's best for the people".

So I took a walk. Walking helps me think, and be creative. Most of my best ideas come from my journey to the train station every morning, which is a pain in the arse because I can't exactly write them down on the move. I should get a dictaphone or something... Anyway. Below are the current problems (or those that I can remember since this idea came to me), followed first by Government solutions, and then by mine.

Problem: The Amount of Children and Teenagers Getting Drunk.
Government Says: Raise the price of alcohol! Then the kids can't spend their pocket money on it!
Twisty says: No, the kids can't spend their pocket money on it. So they'll nick money (or indeed the booze) from someone else! There's a little thing that could prevent underage drinking from happening... it's called EDUCATION. Instead of raising the price, and therefore making the goal more attractive, how about you educate children from a young age (I'm talking about 10 years old here) in schools about the dangers of alcohol consumption. And not in a fire-and-brimstone, thou-shalt-never-let-a-drop-touch-your-lips way, but in a scientific, balanced way. Let them know how much is too much, what it does to your body on both a short and long term basis, and stop wrapping them up in cotton wool.

Problem: Underage/Teen Pregnancies are On The RIse.
Government Says: Make the morning-after pill readily available over the counter for girls as young as fourteen!
Twisty Says: NO! Again, it's down to education. Sex Education is sorely lacking in England's schools. Two classes lasting less than an hour each, five years apart, does not constitute a leson learned. You have to get in there young, when kids are most impressionable, and teach them properly. Don't be afraid to tell them about their bodies - they're gonna go through it eventually, and they'll be talking to their friends about it for years. Explain fully, and do so over a longer period of time.

Problem: Drug use is on the rise.
Government Says: Ban it! Ban it ALL!!!
Twisty Says: You fucking hypocrites. Half of the MP's in power have taken drugs in the past. So tell your kids what they are, and what they do. Again, abstain from the "just say no" routine, because it only encourages them to try it. As a child, did you yourself not immediately do everything your mother told you not to? If it's banned, it's bound to be more alluring. So we're back to education. PROPER education, not those pansy half-hour sessions again. Show them what drugs can do to them, both in a sense of their immediate effects, and also the long-term effects on their bodies. Explain that, for example, if you take LCD then yeah, sure, you might have a good trip. But not only might you have a bad one aswell, but you could spend the next twenty years having flashbacks. Don't glamourise drugs - kids' imaginations can do that no matter what you tell them. Make the gritty truth your standard.

...and that concludes today's lesson. Basically, there needs to be something set up on the curriculum that will educate children in the ways of the world. But of course, it will never happen. Do you know why? That's right... religious parents, and stuck up gits. Good Christians abstain from sex, so why do they need that kind of education? Good Muslims don't drink, so there's that out the window. And every parent "knows" implicitly that their kid is never going to take drugs. "It's call common sense, dearie." Oh yes, common sense it is, but if YOU don't tell your kids these things are wrong, and answer them honestly when they ask you why, then I'm afraid they ain't gonna have ANY "common sense". Stop being afraid of your children. They are the future. If you want to go and fuck up the human civilisation, then please feel free to continue along your blind, merry way. Don't wrap children in bubbles and safety blankets - the more "protected" they are, the more at risk they become in later life of doing something stupid... and why? Because Mummy and Daddy never taught them right from wrong.

8:35 AM - November 25, 2007 - comments {13} - post comment

Guess The Flyer!

A leaflet of some description just dropped through my letterbox, and my father initiated the "Guess the Flyer" competition.

Mum says pizza, Dad says kebab. I went for JFC, our local chippie-cum-chicken take away place. But lo! When Dad went to fetch said flyer from the floor, we were all wrong!

For God himself had decided to spam us! I bet the council don't tell him off for wasting paper. It was an advert for a Gospel night down the community center. I don't think I'll be in attendance, funnily enough.

7:16 PM - November 22, 2007 - comments {4} - post comment

Life, Love, and Fatness.

I'm determined not to make this into yet another post in which I whine and bitch about my seemingly endless weight gain, so I will say only this:

I am eating less.
I am eating healthy.
Ok, healthier.
I am exercising.
...and I am gaining weight. Yes yes, muscle weighs more than fat blah blah blah. What muscle does NOT do, however, is force you to go up a dress size, and hang a spare tyre stolen from a fucking tractor, around your waist.

*calm, deep breaths*

Tom and I celebrated our second anniversary on Sunday, yay! I'm as surprised as anyone when I wake up to him every morning (well, most mornings), and he's not kicked me out. It would appear that after a rather shaky start, my grasp on what kind of man makes decent boyfriend material has finally worked out. He doesn't cheat, he doesn't lie, he doesn't steal my money to fuel his drink/drug/gambling habit, he isn't obsessed with an ex of any kind, and he adores me. The same goes for me to him. *gushes*

On Saturday we went to London, and took loads of pictures. Despite the fact that I live only half an hour away from the capital on the train, I've never done the sight-seeing bit. But seen as London's a big place, and we can only keep our hands off eachother for so long in a day, we're doing it in installments. Saturdays adventure took us to Westminster, the London Eye, Tower Bridge, and a little corner of Hyde Park. Photos will be posted when he gets them off his camera. We had dinner in a lovely Scottish steak house (no, not the Aberdeen one... we couldn't quite afford that), and I enjoyed a gorgeous beef stroganoff while he had a big ol' steak with pate. The whole thing was a little spoiled by the fact that our bill was served to us without even as much as a whisper of the word "dessert", but nevermind. He can always take me to an ice-cream parlour THIS weekend. :D

12:58 PM - November 20, 2007 - comments {14} - post comment

Meme Demented - a Meme. Obviously.

The latest meme from the stronghold that is Periodically Demented. Please shield your eyes, ears, and other bodily cavities. I'd like to apologise in advance for all the bad language. I've had a bad day.

1. You’re just about to gorge on your Christmas Day meal. How many children in third-world countries will die of malnutrition and water-borne diseases while you eat?
Probably not as many as The Sun would have you believe. Oxfam give them dinner, anyways.

2. You rule the world. How long will it take before you order a missile strike?
As long as it takes someone to walk past me whilst chewing really loudly. Then I'd order the entire missile-bearing, um, planes and stuff to go bomb the shit out of their house. Fuckers ought to learn to eat with their fucking mouth closed.

3. What sort of roadkill would you most like to smell like?
A deer. Especially if I was hit with one of those big-arsed trucks that kinda flames a little around the exhaust. Flame-cooked venison smells delicious. Therefore I would smell delicious. And how freaked out would people be if I walked around smelling of deliciously cooked, tyre-beaten deer? They'd try to eat me, and I'd have to buy a shotgun.

4. In less than one word, tell us all about yourself.
Retar-*claps hand over mouth*

5. Did your parents ever look at you like they were sorry for getting drunk that night?
Sometimes, they play The Song That They Got Randy To, Which Resulted In My Conception. At times like these I pretend I'm a test-tube baby.

6. Complete the following sentence. “ ... “
...said Mrs Gregorovitch, as Gordo the Magnificent again thrust his malformed, tea-stained, and slightly radioactive penis in the general direction of her prize carrot, Oliver.

7. Do you think a Dalek could beat a ninja? Why?
Yes, a Dalek can beat a ninja. Because althought Ninjas are the strongest creatures in the world, and clearly born with a lesser brain capacity for learning from pain, the Daleks have frickin' laser beams. Not attached to their heads, mind, because then they'd look like they had huge phallic face attachments, which'd be a bit gay. Also, Daleks can detect human heat and stuff, so even if a Ninja is hiding, the Dalek would find it's tiny ass and beat it down.

8. What is your most annoying habit?
Giving far too much information. Whether it be about books, movies, or the intimate workings of my bowels....

9. If you could be any infectious disease, which would you be and why?
I'd be a new disease. Something both seriously infectious and contagious. I'd be spread like Syphillis, and like Glandular fever, through close-quarters touchy-kissy-act-of-lovemaking stuff. And, seen as I'd gone to the trouble of being SO catching, I'd leave some serious physical side effects. So, people'd see one of my victims with like, their lips hanging off and some huge growth spurting from between their legs and be like "Wow, that Twist Disease is really fuckin' brutal, eh?!".

10. Do you think bent big toes are really ugly?
I think all toes should be shot on site. In fact, I'ma do that. I'm gonna get me a sniper rifle, and everytime I see a bare naked toe I'm gonna train my crosshairs on the bitch and blow it right off.

11. If Julia Roberts did the biggest smile she possibly could, do you think the top of her head would fall off?
I'd be too busy running away from the suction capability of such a huge void to take much notice to be honest. And now that her neice is on the scene, I give it less than a year before the entire world has been sucked into their collective lower intestinal systems. They are aliens. Aliens! ALIENS, I TELL YOU!

12. Keith has just asked you to take over as Head Honcho of efx2. How long will it take before you crash the whole place?
If I last sixty seconds, it'll be a gods-blessed miracle. But before I accidentally explode the place, I might take a few pot shots at some annoying/boring/random blogs.

13. If you could delete the most boring blog in efx2, would you start with your own?
An ultimate act of sacrifice during war, my blog would go up in flames to show those bloggers what it means to be... uh... not quite the full ticket, I suppose.

14. Without naming names, who is your favourite blogger?
Y'know, the one who writes about the stuff... that one.

15. Imagine how you’d feel if someone liked you.
Liked me? Like, liked me? Really? Wow. Incredible. I don't think I've ever imagined being liked before. Wow.

16. Do tapeworms really eat tape?
No, they eat the inside of your arsehole, and the iddy biddy bits and pieces that float around in your large intestine. I'm not sure if that's true, but apparently that's what it feels like. They wriggle and writhe around in your guts like happy little gnomes, making you shit all over the place and wriggle and writhe yourself until they make their slow way out of your bum.
Ooh. Imagine, if one got caught on something, and you just had this huge long white thing squirming around hanging out of your arse.

17. Would you prefer to be a redneck or the bullet that killed one?
I'd like to know what it feels like to be completely brainless for a day. Although I'm not so sure I'd want to experience the feeling of being sexually attracted to my mother/sister/cat.

18. Is Sylvester Stallone really the American Shakespeare?
Are you kidding me? Americans can't even speak English properly, let alone have their own Shakespeare.

9:06 PM - November 13, 2007 - comments {7} - post comment

(Possibly) Breaking News!

A little birdie has spread a rumour that the gorgeous and talented David Tennant will NOT be returning as the Doctor after the current (fourth) series of Doctor Who.

7:52 PM - November 11, 2007 - comments {22} - post comment

Design in the Works

...or rather, there WAS a design in the works, until the PC I'm working on decided "NO! I don't like that... fuck you!" and lost all the info. Dick.

It was good, there were strawberries and stuff. Rah.

Instead, enjoy some lolcats:

8:55 AM - November 11, 2007 - comments {5} - post comment

10 by 7 - a Meme

Another filler-meme, until I get back on my blogging feet. Stolen from the lovely Dante.

TEN THINGS
1. Are you single?
Nope, and I like it that way.
2. Are you happy?
I'm not suicidal. I think that's good enough for now.
3. Are you bored?
I'm rarely bored. My brain keeps me from going there.
4. Are you sad?
I'm... apathetic. Near enough.
5. Are you Italian?
I'm nowhere near soft enough to be Italian.
6. Are you German?
A little bit. My Granddad was German, and I'm proud.
7. Are you Asian?
Definitely not.
8. Are you cool?
I'm a little warm, actually. I actually really hate the term "cool". It doesn't mean anything.
9. Are you Irish?
I... don't think so. I'm a little Scottish, possibly, and there's a chance of some Romany blood floating around in there.
10. Are your parents still married?
Yup. Eleven years and counting.

TEN FACTS
1. Birth Place:
Reading, England.
2. Hair Color:
Naturally: A maple-syrupy brown. Currently: Dyed a little darker, and a tad redder.
Question 3 has taken a leave of absence. Please enjoy a snack from the lobby.
4. Hair style:
About six inches past my shoulders, layered from nose level.
5. Eye color:
There's a U in colour, you illiterate American fags. My eyes are bluey-greeny-grey.
6. Birthday:
October 1st.
7. Mood:
Apathetic. Still. It won't have changed in so many questions.
Question 8 has run off with Question 3. Question 9 is said to be mortified.
9. Where do you live?
Reading, England. It looks like I've not moved in 22 years, but I have. Lots.
10. Lefty/righty:
Righty.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
Question 1 is in the Bahamas with it's secretary. It leaves a wife and two young digits.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe in Blind Panic at first sight. It eventually turns into Nervous Sweating, which later becomes Love.
3. Why did your last relationship fail?
Because he stuck his dick in everything that moved, and I met Tom.
4. Have you ever been hurt?
By a man/woman for whom I had significant feelings? Or just in general? Yes to both.
5. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
With a sledgehammer. It was immensly satisfying. He broke mine first, it was only fair.
Question 6 has had a sex change, and now goes by the name Tits McGee.
7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
Yes. Like Dante said, you don't go around telling your best mate's girlfriend/boyfriend that you want to shag them.
8. Are you afraid of commitment?
Commitment just happens. You can't be afraid of the course of nature.
9. Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Yes. Many someones.
10. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Um, isn't the idea that it's a secret?

TEN THIS OR THAT
1. Love or lust?
Depends on the situation. Love, mostly.
2. Hard liquor or beer?
Liquor, if I can have a choice of mixers.
3. Cats or dogs?
Cats. They're not constantly seeking attention, but they always know when to come have a cuddle.
4. A few best friends or many regular friends?
Besties. Ew, that looks like beasties. Best friends, is what I mean to say.
5. Television or Internet?
Internets. You can has telly on them. Nyah.
6. Pepsi or coke?
They are both evil and must die. I'm a secret lemonade drinker...
7. Wild night out or romantic night in?
One can lead to the other. I refuse to choose.
Unfortunately, Question 8 is unable to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone.
9. Night or day?
Day. Although, everything looks better at night.
10.IM or phone?
Phone, for teh win.

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
1. Been caught sneaking out?
I never had to sneak out.
2. Been skinny dipping?
They're very nice with a chili-chocolate dip.
3. Done something you regret?
Even better: Done someone I regret. *Shudder*
4. Bungee jumped?
I'm a little dubious about trusting my life to a length of elastic.
Question 5 has had to leave the country for a while, following an incedent involving kiwi fruit, a length of rubber hosepipe, and the Swedish national football team.
6. Finished an entire jaw breaker?
Several times, the false advertising bastards.
7. Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt?
Yup.
8. Wanted an ex bf/gf back?
For an entire five minutes, because I was randy. Then I found something else to play with.
9. Cried because you lost a pet?
Well that's just careless. I cried when my pet died, but that's understandable.
10. Wanted to disappear?
Indeed.

TEN PREFERENCES
1. Smile or eyes:
Eyes. Smiles are deceitful.
2. Light or dark hair:
Dark, although there are the occasional blondes that hit the spot.
3. Hugs or kisses:
Kisses, always. Whether they are from friends, family, or the one you love, they rule.
4. Shorter or taller:
What is? And what is it shorter or taller than? Men should be taller than me. Women should be around the same height.
5. Intelligence or attraction:
Intelligence is attraction. Really, someone needs to spend more time thinking these through.
6. Romantic or spontaneous:
Romantically spontaneous, and spontaneously romantic.
Nobody knows the whereabouts of Question 7. It went down the shops for some milk three weeks ago, and hasn't been seen since.
8. Hook-up or relationship:
Relationship = unlimited hooking-upness.
9. Smelly feet or smelly breath:
Breath - can be dealt with easier, and doesn't linger on your carpets.
10. Play the guitar or into sports:
Guitar, most definitely. Unless he plays rugby...

TEN LASTS
1. Last phone call you made:
A random landline number called me this morning while my phone was on silent. I wanted to know who they were, but no-one picked up.
2. Last phone call you received:
My mum, calling to let me know she was on the way.
3. Last person you hung out with:
Tom, I suppose. What constitutes "hanging out"?
4. Last person you hugged:
Tom. He's squishy and yum.
5. Last person you tackled:
Mykle, but it was more of a hip-barge.
6. Last person you IMed:
Bebbety Spaghetti.
7. Last text message you received:
From Pixie, offering hugs. They are much appreciated :)
8. Last person(s) you liked:
I take it this is "like" in a "I totally fancy you" way. It's been Tom for the past two years now.
9. Last person you missed:
After reading Dante's answer to this, I remembered a friend who died in a traffic accident on the way to Uni for the first time. I miss him.
10.Last person you kissed:
Tom... again, yum.

4:26 PM - November 10, 2007 - comments {10} - post comment

Pass Me The Noose

So, Wednesday was probably the worst day of my year, so far.
If I'm honest, I'm not yet back in good spirits, either.

I had to go to the doctors about something that's been troubling me since I was about fifteen. I won't say what it is, because I'd rather the whole world and his dog not know the ins and outs of my health. Suffice to say it's been niggling away at the back of my mind for about seven years now, and I've had enough. I want something done about it.

I told the doctor, and she asked me that, if it's bothered me that much, why have I not mentioned it before? I told her that until now I'd been going to the hospital about it, but because of recent departmental changes I have to be re-referred by my GP. She nodded, and smiled that annoying "Yes, I'm your doctor, but I really don't give a shit" smile. I gritted my teeth and gave my own smile back. Y'know, the "I don't give a fuck if you don't care, you get paid enough to fix me, so damned well do it!" one.

She basically told me that my... disorder (it's not the right word, but I can't think of one more appropriate) is, medically, a grey area. If it's "pronounced" enough, then there's a chance the NHS will fund an operation to fix it. If it's not... then it comes under vanity and shallow aestheticness, and I have to live with it. Or go private, which I can't afford. Basically, because it doesn't negatively affect my health in any way, and I can live with it without ill effect, it's not automatically their problem. Screw my mental health and happiness, then.

I broke down. I couldn't help it. I just sat there, in the doctors office, and cried my little heart out. I can't even tell you how it felt, because I don't want to tell you what it is I went about. I was upset, I was angry, I was humiliated. I've not perked up since.

I'm a fairly forward, open kinda girl, and there ain't a whole lot about me that people don't know. But this... I can count on one hand the amount of people in this world that know the details, and there might be another handful that know it's there, but have never asked. It's not life-threatening, it's not detrimental to my health. It IS physical, and I DON'T want any questions. You're not going to get any answers.

A couple of people have asked why I've not posted for a while. I'm in a constant funk, and as such haven't been online all that often. I apologise for not reading up on your latest news, I'm a little busy feeling sorry for myself right now. It's horrible, and I hate myself more everyday for feeling this way. I'm selfish at the moment, and I don't want to be. At the same time, I don't care. I'd quite happily sail off into oblivion.

*sits, dejectedly* Now you know what's up with me.

Also, if anyone out there can tell me why my HTML tags (bold, italics, links, etc) aren't working, I'd appreciate it. It's fucking me off.
Oh, and if anyone else knows what this trackbacks thing is about, can you tell me? I've tried clicking the link on the post left by the CLs, but it comes up with a blank page, and I can't find any leads to it from the dashboard.
Thanks.

3:39 PM - November 10, 2007 - comments {16} - post comment

ATTENTION: Trackbacks Need To Be Disabled.

Attention Blog User: There has been a recent outbreak of spam that is sneaking past our spam filters and using the Post Trackback feature. This feature, if enabled on your posts, will allow spam to get in and post comments - those of which no one wants. Since Keith is currently offline and not available, us Community Leaders have taken it upon us to find a temporary solution until Keith can do something. Here's The Fix: You need to go here: http://www.efx2blogs.com/manager/tra...ttings.php and make sure "Trackback Default for New Entries" is set to 'Trackbacks Disabled' in the drop-down menu and also, "Autodetect Trackbacks?" is set to 'Autodetect Disabled' in the drop-down menu. This will disable trackback on all new posts you make. *** If you are apart of multiple blogs, you will need to select specific blog in which the problem is first in the blog control panel.... and then click that link for the settings to appear. *** For previous posts that have been attacked you must Edit that post and just below the Post Edit Box you should see a link "Advanced Post Options" - click that and you should see an option for "Allow Trackbacks?" and make sure it is set to 'No.' -------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for your participation in this matter and helping us alleviate the problem. - The Community Leaders (leaders.efx2blogs.com) THIS POST CAN BE DELETED.

8:14 PM - November 9, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

I'm Finally Here!

Ok, it's taken long enough, but I am FINALLY here! Yay!

Big huuuuuuuuuuuuge thanks to LazyBoy for verifying me, and sorting out that annoying little password issue.

Hopefully I'll get to grips with this place soon enough, there seems to be plenty of places I can go and teach myself from.

In other news: It's my birthday on Monday! Woop!

Nothing more to report right now... I can't be all that bothered, and I have e-invites to send out

10:19 PM - September 25, 2007 - comments {8} - post comment