D'Arc vs. Jahve

Sometimes, this is what happens when Dante and I talk on MSN...

Snoogins says:
are you there God, it's me, Steven Seagal's fading career

Coconut says:
God is too busy for *insert name here*, please leave a message.

Snoogins says:
can you imagine the feelings Jeanne d'Arc must have felt, standing on the stake and getting that message

Coconut says:
gutted

Snoogins says:
indeed

Coconut says:
still, doesn't quite disprove the belief, so she should be ok

Snoogins says:
yeah, but I'd be crossed. "God, please take this pain away" - "You have reached God Incorporated. The person you are looking for --- God --- is not available at the present moment. Thank you for praying."

Coconut says:
so all those paintings of her going serenely into the fire are complete bullshit. God was out playing golf with those angel fags, and poor Miz d'Arc was left to burn in agony.

Coconut says:
she could so sue him

Snoogins says:
exactly

Snoogins says:
enter Lucifer, Abaddon & Oblivion, attorneys at law

Coconut says:
the defense calls God to the stand... put your hand here please sir. Now, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, uh, yourself?

Snoogins says:
Objection!! The idea is that he has someone higher to answer to if he lies. That's humbug!, shouts Oblivion

Coconut says:
Lucifer smiles. Fine... do you swear to tell the truth, blah de blah, so help you... Me? *flaming torches shoot higher in the courtroom*

Snoogins says:
*the orb of light that is God shines more bightly for a moment, for affirmation*

Coconut says:
hang on, how come you get to be God and I have to be Lucifer? SURELY it's the other way around...

Snoogins says:
good point...

Snoogins says:
I AM DECEIT, DEATH AND LUST!!! KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!!!

Coconut says:
Ahem, the Forces For Good would like to remind Mr Lucifer that glowing orbs cannot kneel.

Snoogins says:
Now, as we were saying, do you God, if that is you name, admit to promising to guide and protect our client, the maiden Jeanne d'Arc?

Coconut says:
*God pulses once, for yes*

Snoogins says:
And in doing so, did you promise that while liberating France from those English dogs, you would allow no harm to come to her?

Coconut says:
*a whining noise as God sorts his mic out* Um, well, -technically-... You see, I can't be held responsible for accidents caused in the work place. I'm just a deity, y'know.

Snoogins says:
A deity who claims omnipotence, yes?

Coconut says:
Well yes, but... If Miz d'Arc had read the contract from the start she'd've known that... *orb raises and dips, in an orbish shrug*

Snoogins says:
My client was an illiterate peasant. You exploited her position as a pleb, and didn't bother to mention some of the clauses in your contract. Nice job, by the way, we call that the Big L where I come from. Where was I... ah, yes. You got my client to sign a contract by misleading her, and making her think she's all special and what not because she can hear the voice of God.

Coconut says:
*the orb flashes red in anger* Now listen here sonny Jim, I can cast you out of here just as easily as I cast you out of heaven, you ungrateful bitch.. I give you a whole fucking domain to play with and this is how you treat me? Is it my fault her retarded community hadn't discovered the written word properly? Jeez... I'm fucking GOD, man.

Snoogins says:
And yet, divinity, it seems, does not come with manners. Bitch.

Coconut says:
I don't NEED manners. I'm God.

Snoogins says:
Your honor, we request God's last statement be stricken from the minutes on the basis that he's being a twerp.

Coconut says:
Your honor, I request that little whiny bitch be stricken from the court on the basis that I AM YOUR GOD, BITCH!

Snoogins says:
I sense someone is having delusions of grandeur.

Coconut says:
Oi. Parting of the red sea, burning bushes, impregnating virgin girls in their sleep... pfft. What have YOU done in the last few thousand years?

Snoogins says:
I created FOX News network.

Snoogins says:
Oh, and Tom Cruise's career... all me.

Coconut says:
Women. Tits. *licks finger and swipes the air* Oh yeah.

Snoogins says:
Breast augmentation, porn, tattoos, lesbians. *smacks own ass* Booyah!!

Coconut says:
Uh... uh... damnit! Damn you to hell, Lucifer!

Snoogins says:
Already did that, you old sod.

Coconut says:
*mutters to self* Fuckin' wiseass...

3:35 PM - July 3, 2008 - post comment

Reading this again, on a blog, makes it even funnier than it was a moment ago. There is absolutely no sense in that. And best of all, when I sent you the first message, I actually had something in my mind, but it got lost as soon as my mind started drifting in to this oddity.

We is so funny.

dantesinferno - 4:08 PM - July 3, 2008

*hi-fives Dante* Yes we is.

Twist - 4:15 PM - July 3, 2008

How come Twisty's a better speller when she's not omnipotent?

;p

Now listen hear sonny Jim...

bebbet - 4:16 PM - July 3, 2008

Because I wasn't paying attention, and I'm frankly miffed that you got that far without seeing the other glaring typos.

*wriggles uncomfortably*

No. No good, I have to go back and change them all... Rectification is called for!!

Twist - 4:23 PM - July 3, 2008

I think she's still in God-Mode...

dantesinferno - 4:24 PM - July 3, 2008

I keep seeing God as the Juggernaut in that awful dubbed YouTube video... "I am you God, BITCH!"

Twist - 4:26 PM - July 3, 2008

Haven't seen that one.

dantesinferno - 4:28 PM - July 3, 2008

YOUR, DAMNIT!!!!!

Please sir, I'd like to be let off from spelling. I've been omnipotent recently and it really plays havoc with your ability to type properly.

Twist - 4:30 PM - July 3, 2008

Eee hee hee!

WelshPixie - 4:31 PM - July 3, 2008

ya'll are weird O_o

sarai - 4:33 PM - July 3, 2008

That was just the one that stood out :)

Besides, it depends on which half of the Bible you're going off. He spent the bulk of the first wandering around aimlessly, asking everyone who they were and what the smeg was going on.

bebbet - 4:35 PM - July 3, 2008

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgAPF...=rec-fresh

"Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me... I'm the juggernaut, bitch!"

Twist - 4:35 PM - July 3, 2008

Bebs, why do you try to ruin our fun?

Twist - 4:38 PM - July 3, 2008

I'm not, I'm just providing ammunition for the case for the prosecution >; )

bebbet - 4:57 PM - July 3, 2008

That was fantastic. I could see this as a movie, a la Dogma. Could you imagine sitting in that courtroom...lol.

texican - 5:08 PM - July 3, 2008

You just know God and Lucifer are gonna end up in a bitch fight.

Twist - 5:17 PM - July 3, 2008

Or in bed together. One of the two...

bebbet - 5:24 PM - July 3, 2008

Now there's a disturbing thought...

Twist - 5:33 PM - July 3, 2008

LMAO - just watched the vid. That was the crumiest, stupidest, funniest thing I've ever seen!

bebbet - 5:35 PM - July 3, 2008

Who was the judge? In my mind, it was Michael.

dantesinferno - 5:40 PM - July 3, 2008

George Carlin...

texican - 5:46 PM - July 3, 2008

Not applicable. He would have been the most vocal in there.

dantesinferno - 5:47 PM - July 3, 2008

You just love Michael. You want his demonic little babies.

In my mind the judge was a terrified little man, suddenly feeling the urge to pee as a proper, real angel appeared at one shoulder, and a demon at the other.

Twist - 5:47 PM - July 3, 2008

Hey, I've no problem being judge. Just hand me that burning blade and I'll lay the smack down.

I said order, you atagonistic bitches!

bebbet - 5:55 PM - July 3, 2008

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